Deadly Weapons

When you hear about a film that involves a big breasted woman going around killing people by suffocating them with her boobs, two things come to mind.

1-What were the film makers smoking when they made this film?
and
2-Where can I see this?

This is definitely something you should experience for yourself, but I'll try my best to pass it on.

This movie stars Chesty Morgan, who used the fake name "Zsa Zsa", but we know it's really Chesty cause Zsa Zsa Gabor only wished she looked that good naked. My introduction to Miss Morgan came from the John Water's movie "Serial Mom" when the perverted best friend is caught whacking off to a Chesty movie. I never caught the title to that movie, so if anybody out there knows it, send me a line.

And the funny thing about "Deadly Weapons" is you know the main concern on everyone's mind is Chesty killing guys with her giant tits. But one person, either a real stupid guy or just some script girl, said "But WHY is she killing people with her boobies?" Realizing that the person won't shut up, Doris Wishman quickly whipped up a stupid plot that leads up to Chesty killing people with her Morgan's. As a result, we have no idea what the fuck is going on the first 50 minutes of the movie. (At the 50 minute mark is when the suffocating with the boobage starts, I kept track.) So I'll do my best to relay the first 50 minutes that don't involve killing with mammories.

During the credit sequence, Chesty is dancing in front of tiny mirrors rubbing "herself" up and down and all over. This goes on for about 15 minutes, give or take an hour. Hilariously, there's a credit that reads "A Hallmark Release". Now we know what they were all about before making cards.

The film then starts with three obvious thugs busting in on some middle age guy's room. This is where the vague plot begins because we don't know who the guy is and why we should care if they beat the shit out of him. The obvious leader of the gang, Larry, rummages through the guy's drawers (I mean dresser drawers, you pervs) and picks up something we can't see, to keep things as vague as possible. The thugs leave the old guy to cry on his rug.

Larry returns to his home and looks through a small book that's generally used to keep phone numbers. I think we're suppose to figure out that this is what he took from Middle Aged Guy, but it's not too clear. Anyway, Larry dials a number and some guy named Batty (maybe Batti but it's funny to think his name is Batty and people just assume he's batshit insane) answers. Yet again, vague plot going on here where Larry tells Batty he knows about "the deal" and he'll keep quiet if Batty pays him 10 thousand dollars. Batty is like "I don't know what you're talking about, homie" but Larry isn't having any of that and says to get the money ready by tomorrow and hangs up.

Then we meet Chesty's character Crystal. She's sleeping in bed when Larry walks in and starts fondling her. I'm hoping this is part of the script, otherwise Chesty could have a lawsuit on her hands. Despite this movie starring Chesty Morgan and being about her boobs, we don't see any sex, which is a good thing, trust me. But sex is assumed and we jump to the next day.

To waste more time, we watch Chesty take a bath and this goes on for about 20 minutes. Larry calls Batty to get the money and Batty agrees and that is the last we ever hear about Batty and his secret deal. To give you a heads up now, we never find out what deal this is, who Batty is, and what this has to do with anything that's about to occur. Yet again, plot filler, which is fine cause the breast killing scene makes it all the more enjoyable if you ask me.

Larry states he has to leave town for a few days and tells Chesty to hid the small book somewhere safe. I guess her bra isn't an option. Then we find out that Chesty is a (you ready for this?) advertising executive! Yes, she's in advertising. People in advertising, I bet you wished your co-workers looked like her, don't ya? Hell, it makes me wanna get into advertising. But I have a theory on why they chose this as her profession which I'll get to in a minute here.

Larry leaves and teams up with some goofy looking asshole with the worst mustache in any movie I've ever seen. Mustache guy is Tony and they're meeting with their Boss, whom we never see. This is suppose to be the "Shocking surprise" part of the film but any idiot with a brain and good hearing can figure out who the Boss is. The boss sends Larry and Tony on some vague mission.

After some more scenes of Chesty roaming her house with her boobs flopping around (not a complaint mind you), we see some guy dressed like Inspector Clouseau going up 70 flights of stairs, and every flight is filmed. This movie didn't skimp on anything. After reaching floor 69 (WOO!), Tony and someone who I thought was Larry (more on that in a minute), come out of nowhere, beat the shit out of Clouseau, asking where "it" is. The guy says something about a drawer and Tony kills him, Julius Caesar style!

Chesty meets up with her dad and his voice kinda sounds familiar...hmm...well, let's just be surprised together at the end, huh? And after sitting at his table for 5 seconds, Chesty insists she must leave. So the whole point of her seeing her dad was so we could figure out...

Nevermind.

Chesty is back home, working on her "advertising" when Larry calls. He says they're going to Hawaii together to spend the rest of their days together forever. Now, we all seen enough movies where we know what's gonna happen obviously. There's a knock on the door and Larry answers it. And we enter Confusion City.

Tony and some dude with an Eyepatch walk in, asking Larry where that "it" is. Hmm, it just occurred to me, maybe they're referring to those E-bay ad's where everybody had an "IT". Anyway, Larry is as confused as I am on where the hell this came from but instead of explaining it, Tony and Captain Hook (As Tony calls him) kills Larry. I should point out that Larry just put the phone on the table to answer the phone, so Chesty is hearing the entire thing.

This scene cracked me up because Hook is looking DIRECTLY at the phone (With his good eye of course) four times while Tony stupidly says out loud where they're both going to hide out and the fact that Tony calls him Captain Hook. It's then they leave the apartment and Chesty does what I call "The LaBamba Cry of Agony", named after the film "LaBamba" when Richie Valen's brother goes to the bridge and screams out "RICHIE!!!!!" Except, of course, she screams out "LARRY!!!"

Wonderbra Twin powers activate!

So now it's obvious what must be done, but it takes a little while longer for it to click in Chesty's head. She spends about 5 minutes moping around, exposing her cleavage, and having a zillion flashbacks, one of them including Larry in his underwear!! UGH!! It's later that night in bed when she realizes what she must do. And that is to hunt down his killers and avenge Larry's death!!

By the way, I shouldn't have to point out how gratuitous the nudity is in this movie. It's like Chesty takes her top off any opportunity she gets. This scene is a good example. She takes her top off and paces the living room coming up with her "Kill Bill"-like plan.

Chesty finally takes action and flies out to Las Vegas, where she heard Captain Hook is staying. She gets the idea to try out to be a stripper cause she overheard Tony saying that Hook has a thing for strippers. So that's a good idea, we should just jump to that...

No. First, Chesty is in her room in Vegas and calls the clerk to ask if (I swear I'm not making this up) Mr. Hook checked in. Now, I know that she doesn't know Tony called him that cause of the eyepatch but come on! He called him Captain Hook for cryin' out loud, doesn't mean that's his last name. Then Chesty wastes more time looking the paper for a stripping job. She finds out and goes to apply.

Well, the process involves the strip club owner, who looks like Mike Ditka, saying she doesn't get the job cause she has no experience. But he changes his mind when Chesty shows him the goods. And of course we get a 20 minute scene of Chesty stripping.

"Damn! I thought The Fridge had big ones!"

While Chesty is stripping, I'm gonna point out that from the moment she left her house, she keeps having internal monologues about how "she must be crazy for doing this" and "this isn't right" and "What am I thinking?" I understand having some doubts right away, but you're already in Vegas and you're stripping, you might as well go through with it. And as to my theory about her having the ad job, it was probably some lame attempt to let us know she can afford to just get up and fly to Vegas on the fly. Yeah, maybe I'm giving this movie too much credit.

After stripping once and getting hit on by Mike Ditka, Chesty goes back on stage and there she spots Captain Hook. Wanna hear something funny? While she's dancing she says out loud for everyone to hear "CAPTAIN HOOK!" Now, how he didn't hear that and figure something was up and leave is beyond me. But he stays and requests a private dance from her.

They go to his room and...ohh! Here we go!! The great suffocating scene! She slips something in his drink, the something nestled in her boobies, which I'm surprised is still there cause she just spent two hours shaking them left and right on stage, and gives it to him. While he's having some kind of effect to the something, she takes her top off and climbs on top of him, boobs in face, and this goes on for a glorious 5 minutes. Finally, he stops moving and he is dead.

Ahh...that was great. The movie could've just ended right there and I'd be happy. I know, we still have Tony to deal with, and the "surprise" ending, but I wouldn't care. I'd just fill in the blanks myself. But no, we got about 25 more minutes of boobage and hilarity.

Chesty flies to Miami (information she pumped out of Hook before smothering him) and checks into the hotel Tony is staying at. This isn't too complicated cause she spots him right away. And he's with his girl Eve, who isn't too bad herself, but she's no Chesty. Anyway, Chesty meets up with Tony at the pool and figures out it's Tony.

Later, Tony and Eve is at possibly the smallest bar I've ever seen. It's almost as if Doris Wishman filmed this scene at her private bar in her basement...hmm...nah. She's a talented film maker and wouldn't DARE to think to do something as cheap as that. Anyway, Tony and Eve is at the tiny ass bar and Chesty walks in. She keeps bumping her boobs into him cause of the size of the bar and her chest and whatnot. For some reason this pisses Eve off and she storms off.

Eve is so pissed off that she decides to leave. And for some reason they have separate rooms. I've never heard of a mobster letting his girl have a room to herself, but what do I know? Anyway, Tony stops Eve from leaving to wherever it was she was gonna leave to and they're about to have sex when Eve does something totally stupid. She says she knows Tony killed Larry.

Well, ok. I'm sure Tony is gonna handle this ok. I mean, Eve is his girl, I'm sure he can trust her in not telling anyone or blackmailing him and-oh he strangled her with his necktie. Nevermind.

Tony goes back to his room and there Chesty is waiting. Instead of stating the obvious things such as "How'd you get into my room?" "Who are you?" "Why are you following me?" "How in the holy hell do you get those thing in a dress?" He just jumps on top of her and kisses her. I guess murdering people turns Tony on. (I forgot to mention, when he came back from killing Larry, he got it on with Eve.)

Before he can give it to Chesty, he says he's gotta catch a plane. She goes "Want a drink?" And then almost the same exact thing as last time with Hook happens. Pill, drink, feeling woozy, topless, and finally boobs in face. But this is done...from another angle. Oooh!! Ahhh!!! Weee!! And with that Tony is dead.

That's pretty much the entire movie. I can just stop right here and-

What? Oh. The Boss. You haven't figured it out? I mean, there's only one guy left alive. Ohh, ok.

Chesty returns home and goes to her Dad's place. She tells him that she's going to the police to turn in that book Larry told her to hide. Dad wants to know where it is and she says it's in a safe or something at her place. He insists he comes with to the police but says to wait until morning. Not seeing ANYTHING wrong with ANY of that, Chesty says "ok" and goes home.

That night, Chesty is sleeping (topless as usual) when she hears something. She gets up to check it out. The Boss is going through her things and-

OH MY DEAR LORD! THE BOSS IS HER FATHER!! I totally didn't see that coming!! Holy shit am I ever surprised!! I thought it might've been maybe a character we haven't seen before!! WOW!! Dad/Boss asks where the book is, but Chesty just remains silent (Using the Jack Bauer trick, are we?) and calls the police, which takes about 5 minutes for each number. That's cool cause it gives Dad time to shoot Chesty right in her Chesty area. While going back to look for the book, Chesty pulls a gun out of her ass (or possibly tits, who know what she keeps down there, maybe her keys? The holy grail? That'd be a new twist on "The Da Vinci Code") and shoots Dad right in the ass. Seriously, in his ass. And this kills him. Chesty pulls herself to Dad and it had me thinking she was gonna put her boobs in his face, making this really incestual, but no, in an ironic turn, she puts HER face in HIS chest and...dies. I guess. The end.

What a wild ride huh? Now, you probably already glanced down to see how many stars I gave this. Before you think I gave it that many cause this movie is about boobs and Chesty getting naked every 2 seconds, I just wanna say, that's only part of the reason. The other reason is because this movie is so god damn goofy it's hilarious. Let me put it this way, any scene that doesn't have Chesty in it is hysterical. Any scene where Chesty has to "act" is just downright funny. And everything else from directing to editing to simply blocking is just so fuckin' looney. This is possibly, the best B-Movie I have ever seen. It has everything. Thank you Doris Wishman.
If you're still alive.

-Jason

Fantastic Four (1994)

We have no one to blame but the stupid copyright laws for this movie. Without really getting into it, the studio that made this movie had the rights to the Fantastic Four name and characters but they kinda sat on their asses and never made the movie. They learned that if they didn't start production on the movie soon, they would lose the rights and Fantastic Four being a household name (Citation Needed) they didn't want that to happen.

Not knowing what else to do, they called Roger Corman, yes THAT Roger Corman, and asked him how they can make a big flashy movie for cheap and quick, something he is an expert on. Corman came in and over the course of a few weeks, they put together this movie...which was never suppose to be released to the public. Yes, that's the punch line to the whole thing. They were just going to film the movie, say it was filmed, and hold on to the rights just a bit longer until Jessica Alba was old enough to act. Or something like that.

Of course, comic book nerds being comic book nerds, they somehow got their hands on a copy of this movie and soon began bootlegging the shit out of it. The copy I got, which was given to me by a friend, is probably a 8th or 9th Generation copy. I'm going by how crappy the quality is and how I couldn't see shit throughout the movie.

In other words, this is going to be a fun review.

Like all movies, the credit sequence occurs in space. Well, photographs of space anyway. Once the director's credit ends, we go to a classroom where a hyper science teacher is excited cause some meteor....thing called Colossus is about to make its way by Earth. In the class is Reed and Victor. They're excited by the meteor for a different reason: they want to harness the power to do...something. Hey, regular folks like you and me weren't suppose to see this so why explain anything?

Reed is staying at a boarding home run by Mrs. Storm. Her kids Sue and Johnny are roughly around the age of 12. I mention this to point out how creepy some scenes are later in the movie. I wouldn't doubt if Chris Hansen had something to do with this movie. "Why don't you have a seat right there, Mr. Corman. What are you doing?"

(That previous sentence is only funny if you ever see any version of "To Catch A Predator". If you haven't, I apologize for the lame joke.)

Reed and Victor go to a laboratory and start using some machine to harness the meteor. It flies by and every looks like a Pink Floyd Laser Show. "The Wall" indeed. But you'll never believe this! SOMETHING GOES WRONG! GASP!! Not in a superhero movie! Things always go as planned! Something starts malfunctioning and Victor is blasted by some of the Laser Show. Ben shows up kind of out of nowhere and pushes Victor out of the way of the laser, but it's too late. He's burnt to a crisp.

Two guys with heavy generic accents tell Reed Victor is dead and they wheel the body away. Turns out these guys are friends with/work for Victor and they call him Your Highness. So....Victor is a king? I know, I know, they didn't HAVE to explain anything. But it's still fucking annoying.

Ten years later (I know cause of the helpful title card), Reed is so old he's got streaks of white in his hair. He and Ben are going to fly into space to look at Colossus up close and continue the work he and Victor tried to do. They need two more people and for no reason, they get Sue and Johnny, who I think are just barely 18 at this point. (Ok, if they were 12 at the beginning of the movie, they'd be 22. Plus I don't know if Johnny and Sue are twins. I mean they look the same exact age. I never read any of the comics so if all of this was explained I don't know.)

Mrs. Storm looks at them four leaving and she shoehorns in the line "Look at you...The Fantastic Four!" Oh great, now she'll be asking for royalties on the name. They all prepare at Reed's building, which the address is 4444. God, I want to punch somebody right now. They're waiting for a special delivery of a huge hunkin' diamond, which two shadowy figures are watching closely.

One shadowy figure is poking his head out of a sewer and he looks like The Leprechaun's retarded brother. The other shadowy figure is really hard to hear, but he's cloaked in green. More on him in a bit.

The diamond arrives and it's gonna be used to keep the spaceship cool, or a laser cool, or something. While the diamond is being delivered, Ben bumps into some blind chick, who falls and breaks a statue. The chick is upset about this but Ben immediately falls in love with her. She feels his face and says "See ya later....well not 'see' but you know...." and she awkwardly walks away. The Leprechaun's Special Brother also spots the blind chick and he too falls in love with her. Man, I didn't know blind chicks were in. Excuse me, I'm gonna go poke my girlfriend's eyes out.

She wouldn't let me. So nevermind.

Reed places the diamond in one of those laser alarm systems you only see in movies and they leave to prepare for their mission. The Leprechaun's Special Brother breaks in, climbs over the lasers, CAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT 5 INCHES ABOVE THE FLOOR, and steals the diamond and replaces it with a fake one. Man, the platform the diamond was resting on wasn't alarmed? Reed's a dumbass.

The muffled green guy, Doom, sees all this somehow and he says "well I only wanted it so Reed's mission will fail but nevermind now". Well I think that's what he said. It sounded more like "Hurrmph murph mrrgh Reed purgh." The reason he's muffled is cause the actor is wearing the iron mask that Dr. Doom has but they didn't put in a voiceover so you can't understand what he's saying.

Again, no one was really suppose to see this. I know, I know.

The next day, they all get into their space ship and fly into space to check out this meteor, which I guess flies by every 10 years. The fake diamond doesn't do shit, which causes the meteor to put on the Laser Show right in front of their eyes, and the ship explodes.

Somehow they don't die but they land safely to Earth. Reed and Johnny wake up and find they don't have any scratches on them. They then hear Sue's voice but don't see her. Ben shows up and he appears to be unharmed. Sue starts appearing and Johnny sneezes fire. This startles them both, which causes Sue to trip. Reed goes to grab for her but his arm suddenly extends on it's own to reach for her. Confused, they just wait for help to arrive.

I'm not sure why they didn't just start walking. They said themselves that no one knows where they are and everyone thinks they're dead. So staying there isn't really doing any good. Somehow, Doom knows they're alive and he sends some people to pick them up dressed up as the military. Wait...how does Doom know where they are? Whatever.

It's later that night when the fake military show up and by this time Ben has turned into a walking rock sculpture. I'm not sure why his conversion took so long, but everyone freaks out when he shows up. Reed calms everybody down and they go with the fake military guys.

Meanwhile, The Leprechaun's Retarded Brother, who's called The Jeweler (is he a character in the comics? I have my doubts he is) shows up at The Blind Chicks, named Alicia, house to kidnap her and make her his Queen because, according to him, she's shunned by outsiders. I don't recall this ever happening but whatever.

At the fake military base, a nerdy doctor examines all four of them individually, so there's four times the jokes! HA! Ben falls on his ass cause he broke a chair! Johnny suddenly lights on fire! Sue vanishes! Reed extends his arm to the doctor! Oh hilarity! The nerdy doctor reports to Doom about their powers and Doom want to take all their powers and give it to himself so he'll be super powerful! But he needs the diamond.

Doom sends some of his goons over to the Jeweler to get the diamond but The Jeweler plans on giving it to Alicia so he refuses their offer and he sends them away with a warning. They report back to Doom and he wouldn't give it up so Doom has to go and get it himself.

The Fantastic Four, meanwhile, is bored waiting for something to happen so they decide to break out of this joint. When some guards come in, they knock them out and sneak out. Soon, an alarm is tripped and they come face to facemask with Doom. He explains he needs them for evil purposes but they're not gonna stand for this, so Doom leaves and lets his goons take care of them.

This is the first instance they work together and Ben shouts "It's clobberin' time!" and they start fighting all the goons. Reed tells Johnny to make an escape so he uses his flames to burn a hole in the wall. Cause that won't take forever.

Sue's power is kinda funny. She can only turn invisible but everyone treats it like she transports someplace else. She's still there, you just can't see her. But that doesn't stop the bullets or the bad guys from running into each other. Ben gets impatient and tells Johnny to stop being stupid so he can make the hole his own damn self. They all run out and the funniest scene happens next.

Doom walks in, not knowing what just happened, and he goes "So my friend are you ready to-" then he notices all the goons are knocked out and The Fantastic Four have escaped. Doom goes "Oh...uh...right!" and sheepishly walks out of the room. Hilarious.

The Fantastic Four get back to the 4444 building to figure out if they can reverse the effects themselves, mainly for Ben's sake. He's all depressed that he's the only one that can't blend in with the rest of society. So he does the next logical thing: leave the building and run around in New York City, where everybody looks at him, screaming.

Eventually, one of The Jeweler's goons finds Ben and tells him he can go home with him cause he'll fit right in. This movie is so dark at time I can't ever tell if the goons are all deformed or what. They act like they are. The goon takes Ben to The Jeweler's lair. The Jeweler is trying to woo Alicia but she's not having any of it. The goon tells him about Ben and The Jeweler leaves to check Ben out.

The Jeweler (god, every time I type that, it sounds stupider) welcomes Ben and tells him he can stay as long as he wants. But soon, Doom comes knocking on The Jeweler's door, demanding the giant diamond. The Jeweler uses Alicia has a hostage, which gets Ben's attention. Alicia, who doesn't know that Ben is now The Thing (you know, they never really call him that in this entire movie now that I think about it) recognizes his voice and blurts out "I love you, Ben!" This softens Ben and he transforms into a regular guy. Doom is like "Ha ha ha, I have you now!" or "fah fah fah mur hur dur!" and shoots at Ben, who runs away. Doom takes Alicia and the diamond. The Jeweler, thankfully, is never seen ever again.

Ben gets all angry and transforms back into The Thing. Meanwhile at 4444, Sue has made laughable stupid costumes for everybody while they figure out who Doom is. While they were escaping, Reed found some paper with a bunch of numbers written on it. Johnny wants to know how someone else could know about harnessing the power of the meteor cause the only people that knew was Reed and Victor. Once Johnny says Victor, Reed goes "Oh yeah...Victor's last name is Von Doom. DUH!!" You're just NOW figuring that out! God! That'd be like if my friend Bill got disfigured in some freak accident, he vanished for ten years, then showed up in a mask calling himself "The Szany" and I went "Hmm...don't know you, dude!" Jeez.

Anyway.

So now that they know Doom is Victor, Doom appears on Reed's monitor. It's never explained how he did this but what he does is fuckin' hilarious. The entire time Doom talks, he mimes out what he's saying with his hands. When he tells them they have 12 hours, he actually uses a finger to air-write the number 12. I guess even they realized nobody could understand him in that damn mask and told the actor to do this. Anyway, Doom is going to blow up New York City in 12 hours. That's the plot.

Ben shows back up and tells them "it's clobbering time" for the 5th time in 10 minutes (he said it during the showdown with Doom at The Jeweler's a bunch of times) and they suit up and get into the flying car they suddenly have and fly 10 minutes out of New York City to Doom's giant evil looking castle. Where the fuck is this castle suppose to be? On Ellis Island? Just sitting in the Atlantic Ocean? The hell, man?

They land in Doom's castle and walk right up to the laser (god this movie fuckin loves lasers) to destroy it, but Doom puts on some force field that prevents them from moving. Doom appears, tells them they suck and that he's going to blow up New York City and kill Alicia anyway. Reed, despite not being able to move, manages to extend his leg out of the force field and kick the laser until it blows up.

Doom, who I think is secretly a giant pussy, activates some OTHER laser to blow up, I don't know, the moon. Makes just as much sense. Then Doom runs away while some left over goons fight The Fantastic Four. Guess what Ben yells out? Yep.

Johnny somehow knows that he can fly using his flame power, so he flies to stop the laser from hitting whatever, while Reed, Sue, and Ben stop the goons. Reed goes after Doom and they're standing outside. Oh, I can see this coming a mile away. Reed says they were friends once but Doom blames Reed for disfiguring him so go fuck off. Then Reed says "Ok, you're a jerk anyway" and punches him until he falls over the ledge and is now hanging on. Reed has a change of heart and tries to save him but Doom says "You suck, loser" so Reed says "Alrighty" and drops the fucker. That was easy.

Johnny manages to catch up to the laser and stops it somehow. Actually, it just merely explodes in the air. I love movies where no thought is put into it. With the day saved, Reed and Sue confess their love and soon are married. Ben and Alicia hook up and I hate to turn into Brodie from "Mallrats" but how do you think they fuck? Granted, they did show he turns to normal when she says "I love you" but do you think maybe his dick...eh I better not even go there.

The movie ends on a stupid note when Reed stretches his obviously fake rubber arm out of the sunroof of the limo and wobbly waves goodbye to everyone. And surprisingly enough, it ends there. No Doom waking up and laughing. No The Jeweler vowing revenge. Nothing. I was surprised, honestly.

Ok, I was hard on this movie. I know no thought was put into this movie for the reasons I explained earlier. So despite that, it was a fun watch. It's funny to see Corman's touch on a flashy project like this. It's funny to try to understand what the fuck Doom is saying. And it's funny to see the foam suit of The Thing get all squishy anytime he talks. If you can find a copy, get it and watch it with some friends. It'll be a good time.
Oh and it's clobberin' time. In case you didn't know.

-Jason

The Galaxy Invader

This review of "The Galaxy Invader" has been bought to you by CheesyFlix.com! CheesyFlix.com, the home of horrible movies!

Wow. I dunno what that was about. Sorry about that, you guys. Anyway, "Galaxy Invader". For those of you familiar with "Mystery Science Theater 3000", you might know this movie already. If you recall in the episode "Pod People" during the opening credits, they show a totally unrelated movie with some green guy and oily people. Well, THIS is THAT movie!

And judging by this movie, they were better off with "The Pod People". Oddly enough, neither movies has anything to do with pods, or people from pods. There is a round thing, which I GUESS could be a pod, but that's a bit of a stretch if you ask me.

Almost immediately I realize we're in for a ride when I saw the words "A Film by Don Dohler", then every other name in the credits was Dohler. Two Dohler's appear in the movie, and Don himself did just about every other damn thing himself. He wrote, directed, came up with the story, and quite possibly provided the drugs to the "actors" in this movie himself.

The movie opens with a car driving in a field. The car no doubt belongs to a Dohler and probably has the license plate DOHLER on it. And why this car is just driving in a field is a mystery, because we're distracted by a cartoon meteorite crashing nearby. David, who was driving the Dohler-mobile, gets out and investigates.

He then immediately calls Dr. Tracy, some professor dude in some college that David went to. Since Tracy is all into UFO's and aliens, David calls him up and tells him he found one. The problem is the town David is in, Harleyville (I guess this is where the motorcycles are made?), is six hours away from Non-Hickville, where Dr. Tracy lives. Tracy tells David to wait for him on the side of the road while Tracy drives there. Yep, wait outside for six hours, ok pal? Thanks.

Then we're introduced to The Montague's. No, we didn't switch over to Shakespeare all of a sudden. Carol, the middle child, is demanding eggs from her mom Edith. Carol is teased by older brother J.J and younger sister Annie. Joe, the father, demands to know where Carol is going and we find out a whole shitload of things about Joe within the first five minutes of meeting him.

1. He's a drunk.
2. He has a T-Shirt with giant ass holes in them.
3. He likes to occasionally threaten to shoot and kill his own kids with a shotgun.

Number 3 comes into play when he finds out Carol is dating Michael, some dude Joe don't like. Joe picks up his gun (Wow, someone turned the Jimi Hendrix song into a movie) and chases Carol out of the house and into the woods. There, Carol meets Michael, who promises to take her away from shotgun welding fathers.

Thankfully, we go back to David, who seriously was waiting off the side of the road for 6 hours. Dr. Tracy pulls up and they go search for this meteorite that landed.

Now we're introduced to the alien. He is stumbling around the forest and he breaks into a random house, killing the dude and the chick inside. This gives us the impression this alien is evil, since the dude and chick didn't do anything to harm the alien.

Back to Joe hunting for daughter. J.J is sent to calm Joe down and they both find the alien, just standing there. Joe shoots at it, which makes it run away, but not before dropping this round white thing that looks like a giant golf ball. Joe and J.J pick it up and take it back home cause they're stupid crackers.

Dr. Tracy and David are roaming around the forest, looking for the spot the alien landed in, when they get tired and hungry. Even though David saw where it landed and was there IN HIS CAR, he doesn't know where it's at. But they call it a day and head back into town.

Joe calls his friend Frank and Frank's skanky girlfriend Vicki to look at the giant golf ball from outer space. Joe wants to sell it but Frank tells him they'd get more money if they capture the alien, alive, instead. Joe likes the idea but they're gonna need help. So they go to the only place one needs to go when you need help to bring in an alien from outer space alive.

The local bar! Joe and Frank swagger in saying they need men, and men only, to go on a "special secret hunt" out in the woods late at night. Maybe it's just me, cause I'm not a drunk redneck who hunts, but this sounded like an open invitation to a gay orgy. Maybe that's just me. While Joe and Frank are at the bar, the alien comes up and knocks J.J out and steals back the giant golf ball. I guess he had a match set up with Tiger Woods. Back at the bar, we meet tons of people whom I'm convinced are real bar patrons in some backwater town somewhere. Frank continues to brag about getting a shitload of money and a few of them agree to join in on the orgy.

So later that night, all the volunteers show up and Frank tells them what they're hunting and they instantly believe him and go off to hunt. Meanwhile, our two plots crash together when Tracy and David go into the same local bar to get some food. Yum, dysentery. They overhear Vicki talking loudly about capturing an alien and David tells Tracy where Joe lives, since that is where they were hunting for the thing.

Tracy and David show up in record time to witness the rednecks shoot at the alien, who is shooting back with the giant golf ball and a plastic gun that looks like it was bought in the toy section of a dollar store. A few of the drunk bar patrons die but Frank eventually sneaks up on the alien and ties it up. Tracy is all upset about this and they follow the hillbillies back to Joe's place, where they put the alien in the garage.

Joe and J.J check out the toy gun and giant golf ball and finds out that the golf ball powers up the gun and causes it to shoot lasers. Joe is more then ecstatic about this and has dollar signs in his eyes.

Early the next morning, Tracy and David break into Joe's garage (the prequel to Joe's Apartment) and untie the alien. The alien realizes Tracy and David are friendly and want to help it so he doesn't kill them. But Frank pulls up and wakes Joe up. Realizing they don't have much of a choice, they just run out of the garage, with the alien following the. Frank gets his gun from his car and the chase is on!

This intermission of the review is bought to you by CheesyFlix.com! If there's a cheesy movie you're looking for, whether it be crappy sci-fi movies, horror movies, even drama's and swashbuckling, CheesyFlix.com is your stop!

Damn. That's so weird. Sorry about that, you guys.

Ok, anyway. Carol joins in on the Save The Alien cause and steals from Joe the alien's gun and golf ball. She meets up with the alien and gives the gun and golf ball back. The alien is grateful. Soon, everyone is running in the woods and suddenly it turns into the ending of "Reservoir Dogs". Frank shoots Tracy, the alien shoots Frank, and Joe shoots the alien. David takes off and Joe grabs the alien's gun and golf ball back.

David meets up with Carol, who insists her boyfriend Michael can help them. Why he's their only hope is beyond me, but whatever. Michael comes up with a plan to get the gun and golf ball back, give 'em back to the alien, and send the alien back to space. And they proceed to...wait till the next day to do this. No, I don't know why but whatever. However, it does give us a chance to see a weird scene in the movie.

Carol is sleeping and she hears a noise. She decides to check it out, giving the movie about 10 minutes of padding because all the action packed stuff happened up front. Suddenly, she sees the alien and instead of going "Oh hey, I remember you, I helped you earlier in the day" she goes "AHHHH!!!" into the alien's face, which scared it and caused it to run out. This confused me cause isn't she helping the alien out? Why is she screaming at him and scaring him away?

Anyway, the morning arises and Joe wakes up to a empty house. Everyone is meeting Michael to go over the plan and another thought occurred to me. J.J is in on this plan, but I thought he was on Joe's side. I guess J.J is one of those stupid people that goes along with whoever's around him.

Hitler: I think I'm gonna kill a bunch of Jews.
J.J: Ok.
President Roosevelt: NO! Killing Jews is wrong!
J.J: Ok.

While the family is plotting against Joe, Vicki visits him to see what happened to Frank. Joe offers her a drink but she declines, worried about Frank. I guess she missed his daily beatings or something. Instead of telling her that Frank is dead, Joe decides to rub his body up and down on Vicki, while she screams out "No!! NO!! NO!!!!"

In other words, Joe tries to rape Vicki. I was just trying to put it nicely.

Vicki manages to escape, but Joe grabs the toy gun and the golf ball and kills Vicki. Joe hides the body and passes out again. While passed out, Michael, David, and J.J sneak up on Joe and steal the gun and the golf ball and run out. Michael, David, and Carol decide to give the gun and golf ball back to the alien, while the rest of the family tries to stage an intervention on Joe.

But Joe wakes up angry and it's here that I realize that he talks like Jimmy Stewart, if Jimmy Stewart was a drunk redneck. It's quite funny and I spent the rest of the movie just laughing at everything Joe said. Joe decides to do what he does best and grab his shotgun and threaten to kill Carol.

Michael, David, and Carol come across a hole and stops running, which is where Joe catches up with them. The alien shows up but Joe shoots him with the toy gun and golf ball, killing him. Michael is tired of Joe's shit, and decides to beat the living shit out of him once and for all. But Joe, despite being a scrawny drunk, gets the advantage on Michael and starts to choke him. Edith, who is also tired of Joe's shit, picks up the shot gun and through 2000 edits and camera angles, hits Joe upside the head, causing him to fall into the hole, which turns out to be a FUCKIN' CLIFF!!!! WHAT?? Who puts a cliff in the middle of a forest??? The fuck?

But Joe is dead, the alien is dead and....that's about it. I'm willing to bet to be ironic, they buried Joe and the alien together, and pour a whole case of Pabst Blue Ribbon all over the casket. It seems fitting.

Normally, I'd stop there and give my final thought but I gotta mention the ending credits real quick. Literally the entire thing is peppered with the named "Dohler". I guess film making is a family effort with them or something, with Don doing most of the work. Then to top it all off, we seriously get a credit for "Hat provided by". Just...wow.

This movie is something else, and that something else isn't very good. But it's good for a few laughs. This entire movie is just horrible but the use of real bar patrons is always good. One thing I left out was the scene were J.J punches Joe. I just can't describe it, you need to see the beauty of this scene yourself. And if you want to see this movie for yourself, might I recommend going to Cheesyflix.com? CheesyFlix.com! The home of Cheesy Flicks!
Man...what the hell IS up with that?

-Jason

Death Bed: The Bed That Eats

Normally I would make a big long opening paragraph about the movie I'm about to review, either about how I stumbled upon it, or the impact it had on the world, or just preface it with something like "this movie is so god-damn horrible I almost killed myself." But no need for none of that here. As you all know, I ran a poll asking people to vote for which movie I should review first and this was a landslide winner with FOUR votes. Four? Come on, people. We can do better then that. I know more then four people read this site. But whatever.

And the reason why this movie wasn't reviewed first is also made famous. So famous it has a name, being "The Big Netflix Fuck-Up of 2008". But thankfully, this little forgotten movie, made famous by Patton Oswalt (who by the way added the word "people" to the title), found it's way to me and now I am here to present this to you, all four of you reading this.

Well, first off. I noticed on the DVD the option to hear an introduction by writer/director/master genius George Barry. I had to watch this so I can lay eyes on the man who thought of, then filmed, a movie about a bed that eats (people).

The intro was kinda dull. It was just George telling us that he made the movie but couldn't get it shown anywhere and it just sat on his shelf for a couple of years until the 80's rolled around then he was able to get it distributed for a cheap price on VHS (remember those? Just kidding), then...he forgot about it.

That's right, the guy who created DEATH BED, forgot he made a movie titled DEATH BED. If that was me, I'd be talking about it until I was 110 years old, through my feeding tube.

"I made Death Bed, ya know?"
"That's nice, Grandpa. Tell me about it while I pull this little plug here..."

But whatever. Anyway, flash forward to whatever year George got the Intarwebz installed and he was just going through some movie sites when he stumbled upon a site that reviewed Death Bed and he realized that people were pirating the movie. George was like "Aw hell nah, bitch!" and decided it's time to bring this baby to the DVD market.

And that's about it. He said "If you're watching this, then it's too late to turn back", which isn't true. I could've easily stopped my DVD player, threw the DVD away, and frolicked in a meadow somewhere. But seeing as it's January and I'm in fuckin' Indiana, I'd be freezing my ass off. So Death Bed it is!

The movie starts with the most exciting thing impossible! Blackness!! And we're treated to this for exactly a minute!! Then around the 30 second mark, we get to hear someone eating apples! What a lovely way to start a movie, huh?

Finally, we meet the titular object, sitting in a room. We then focus on a painting on the wall and we hear a narrator. This narrator turns out to be this dead ghost or something that sits behind this painting. He seems to have intimate knowledge of this bed and points out that the bed is snoring.

That's right, the bed acts like a human. It snores, it laughs, it burps, it does everything. Then a shot of a groovy 70's couple walking up to this house that the Death Bed resides in. They throw open the front gate, waking the death bed.

Groovy Guy and Groovy Girl talk about how they been walking a long ass time. Sounds like someone took that Proclaimer's song a bit too seriously. Groovy Girl complains about being hungry, so Groovy Guy looks for a way inside the house. We get a thousand shots of locks being locked, which I'm not sure what that was about. Finally, a door opens and the Groovy Couple go inside.

Inside they find the bed and they jump on it. They start making out and Groovy Girl complains about being hungry again. Groovy Guy pulls out their delightful meal and lays it on the bed. What got me was, they seemed to acknowledge that this house has been unoccupied for probably a hundred years. But they have no problem with laying on a bed that's probably covered in dust and bugs and lord only knows what else. Oddly enough, the sheets do look clean. Maybe it's a self-cleaning Death Bed.

After the food is laid out, they make out some more, which gives the Death Bed time to get a little snack. The bed swallows the apples, the wine, and the chicken. We get shots of these objects floating in a yellow liquid that's probably suppose to be stomach acid or something. Then the bed vomits up the wine bottle, the apple core, and the bucket.

Groovy Girl is like "look fucker, I'm hungry!" and Groovy Guy goes to get a piece of chicken and finds only bones. Then Groovy Girl says "It's ok. I wasn't hungry."

...

WHAT?!?! The only lines of dialogue you had, besides "I'm tired", is "I'm hungry". Now you're not hungry? I'm telling you, women are bi-polar or something. Anyway, Groovy Girl, realizing food is out of the picture, is finally in the mood to fuck. So they proceed to do it and the bed curtains close and screams are heard. I was upset that I didn't see the actual "eating" but then the rest of the movie happened.

After the opening titles (which is totally gonna be my desktop wallpaper in a few weeks when I'm tired of my Eternal Sunshine one), the narrator talks about how the bed is pissed off at the house and is making it fall apart and slowly the house just simply vanishes.

Then we get a small history of the bed where the bed is super imposed over images from the 1920's. Maybe the bed is upset cause it lived through the depression. Then we get some newspapers headlines of people vanishing and the mayor getting pissed then the mayor vanishing. How the Mayor knew the bed was responsible is anyone's guess.

The narrator keeps informing us that he's trapped behind this painting, just watching the bed eat all these people and he can't do anything to stop it. It's explained later (kinda) why he can't just talk, he just sits there in this little hidey hole behind the painting and he's been there for an undetermined amount of years.

Back to the present, a car pulls up and there's clearly two people in it, a black chick and some hippie looking chick. But then all out of nowhere a third chick appears. Diane, the black chick, Sharon, the hippie chick, and Suzan (The credits spelled it with a Z. Why? I dunno), the out of nowhere chick. SUSAN (with an S dammit!) isn't feeling good and just roams around somewhere.

Then we're treated to everyone's internal thoughts, as we focus on Susan, talking about how she didn't wanna come here and the ride there sucked cause Diane and Sharon just made fun of her. The making fun of part consists of Diane telling Susan that flowers grow in the country. Man, that is rough. I got called a fat loser for roughly 6 years in school, but being told about flowers is WAY worse, let me tell you.

All three chicks make their way into the little room the Death Bed is in and they make a comment about all three of them sleeping in the same bed. OOOH YEAH!! But Susan, being a killjoy, says she's tired now and is gonna go to sleep, then she can be up all night while the other two sleep in the bed. Damn it, ruin the three-some why don't you. Diane is like "Fine" and she and Sharon leave.

Susan gets naked and the Bed starts going "ooooh". If it could, I'm sure it'd have a giant erection right now. Then Susan gets in the bed and falls asleep. The narrator tells us that the bed is giving Susan bad dreams, which consist of Susan being forced to eat flying roaches and green caterpillars. The Death Bed stuff doesn't bother me, but this fuckin' grossed me out.

During this dream, the Bed takes Susan's clothes off (yes, a bed took off someone's clothes), then slowly starts to swallow her. The thing I been most impressed with this movie is how some of the effects are done. I can't for the life of me figure out how they had the foamy stuff just suddenly appear on the bed, even have it come up through the sheets. So Susan is swallowed but then her skull suddenly appears buried in the ground outside and a bush of red roses appear. The narrator mentions how the Bed used Susan's death to present a gift to Diane and Sharon. Ok.

Sharon goes into the room looking for Susan and the bed gets upset and uneasy. The narrator notices this and is confused. The bed then swallows Susan's stylish 70's suit case then pull out a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and starts swallowing that. I swear, this is easily the best movie I ever reviewed.

While the bed fights upset stomach, nausea, heartburn, constipation, diarrhea, the narrator tells us a little bit about some of the Death Bed's long line of victims it had. And the sucky thing is, this is presented all out of order so we don't get a clear understanding on when all of this started.

The Bed ate a priest, some old lady who liked reading about lesbians, some chick with a brace on her leg, several small children (we don't see it eat the children thankfully), and then for some reason we focus on a sex therapist. Why did I say "for some reason"? The reason is clear: cause he was a sex therapist.

The odd thing is the Bed didn't eat all the people that were fucking on it. The therapist had some chick who he used to spark male patients or something. Then the therapist somehow bought the bed outside to make it more kinky or something. Still no chompin' of the slut. I'm thinking maybe the bed didn't wanna contract an STD or something. But then one day, there was an orgy going on the bed (we kinda see this, but the people are doing their stuff under covers) and the bed decides to eat a buffet.

We then find out that whatever inanimate objects the bed swallows, the narrator behind the painting gets. So he has a large collection of jewelry and shoes and other stuff. Then we FINALLY get to the creation of the Death Bed. If for some reason you're reading this review standing up, you better sit down. This is a fuckin' doozy.

There's this demon, see. It resides in some tree somewhere. Sometime in the 1800's the demon, being bored, decides to turn into wind. So it's blowing around and it finds this chick standing by a river. The demon falls in love with this chick, so he decides to build this bed and turn into a human. But since demons are demons, they have red eyes. The human demon seduced the chick and they started to fuck on the bed, but I guess his demonic wang was too much for her or something cause she died. The demon got pissed off and turned all emo and shit and cried, and his tears are blood. The blood got on the bed, the demon went back into the tree where it stayed for the remainder of this movie, and the blood soaked up into the bed, possessing it.

Needless to say, I paused this movie after this and laid down for a bit.

Oh, and we get a bit of history on our narrator. He was sick in the bed some time ago and he decided to draw (wait for it......) his "death bed" (HA!) which is the painting we've been seeing. The Death Bed eats the narrator but for some reason his soul is sent to the painting of the Death Bed, which is why he's behind the damn thing this whole time. This isn't really explained. There were a ton more stories of people who got eaten but they weren't as interesting so let's move on.

So Diane, tired of looking for Susan, decides to lay down in the bed while smoking. The narrator mentions he hasn't smoked a cigarette in awhile, which made me wonder if he secretly wanted her to die so he can get her cig's. The cigarette touches the bed and I'm thinking the bed is gonna catch on fire and the movie's gonna end, but nope. Diane has a weird dream where she's talking to Susan and she's looking at a book of foil. Then Diane wakes up and tries to get out of the Bed but it starts to swallow her legs.

Up until this point I was seriously gonna give this movie five stars. Everything was just so great, especially the part that explained how the Death Bed came to be. But then it got weird, stupid, and dare I say boring at this point.

Diane manages to pull herself up from the stomach acid of the Bed and then we get a long ass boring scene of Diane crawling from the Bed to the door. This goes on for-fucking-ever. AND it was done in one shot. I think George Barry wanted us to be impressed with this but...I wasn't. It was too long.

Sharon, who thought Susan went to the nearby town (which is never said by name), is coming back after the car died and she hears Diane scream for help. Sharon runs over and FINALLY the Bed does something. It throws one of it's curtains to Diane and drags her back. Sharon is trying to pull her out but she manages to pull off Diane's FUCKIN' finger! The narrator gets the cigarettes but is pissed to find out they're menthol.

During all of this, some dude with big hair is looking for his sister. We had no idea who was his sister but finally it's established it's Sharon. And he isn't given a name in the movie, but his real name is Rusty Russ. So let's just call him Rus.

Rus finds Sharon in the room with the bed and the bed starts doing tricks like throwing up eyes, having them roll around the bed, then swallowing them again. I dunno what was up with that. Rus is like "WTF?" and decides to stab the fucker!

Rus jams the knife into the Bed but it swallows the knife and his hands, leaving only skeletal remains. Rus isn't too freaked out by this, oddly enough, and instead asks Sharon to just pull them off of his body. She does and she throws them in the fireplace for some reason.

Then the narrator tells us that the tree demon is sleeping so he (the narrator) can finally talk to Sharon. Why the demon needs to sleep in order for the narrator to talk out loud is beyond me but whatever. The narrator tells Sharon how to destroy the bed and it's really involved.

She has to drag Rus to this field, stab the floor around the bed, which starts bleeding, then make some figures out of wood outside around Rus. Then the narrator says the only thing that can kill the Bed is the chick the demon boned to death, which is why it was afraid of Sharon earlier, cause she resembles the chick.

I thought Sharon was gonna have to pretend to be the dead chick, but no, what really happens is much stupider then that. Sharon has to kill herself, then the body of the dead chick will arise. No, I don't know why, don't even ask. So Sharon dies off camera and Dead Chick arises, but naked. Living Dead Girl then starts fucking Rus, which makes the Bed jealous or something and starts bursting into flames. The Bed burns to death, and the narrator's soul is finally free from the painting. And with that, the movie comes to an end.

Man. What a wonderful movie. It's simultaneously great and stupid. Exciting and boring. And just overall weird. I'm so glad Mr. Barry decided to put this masterpiece on DVD for all the world to see. And as I stated earlier, the effects weren't half-bad. I don't know if they really used acid to dissolve the chicken and stuff, and what that foamy stuff was and how they got it through the sheets. Frankly, I don't care. It's just fuckin' brilliant.

-Jason