Boy, did you guys pick a doozy for me.
In case you forgot, this was the final winner in the 3rd Screener Poll, which ended in a tie. And from that tie, this was the winner. And my god...what a fuckin' winner it is. This movie ended an hour ago and I spent this whole time wondering how the hell I was gonna put what I just saw into words. Comprehensible words at that.
I'm gonna warn you right now that this review is NOT going to make any sense because this damn movie doesn't make any sense. To give you some rough idea how disjointed this movie is, imagine this.
Picture a writing seminar taking place and 200 wannabe writers show up. The guy hosting the seminar tells the 200 people "Ok everyone, pretend you're writing a horror movie. The main character is a male. GO!" And all these people write their horror movie. Then when it's over, the host grabs one page from each script, puts it together and goes "Here's you're god damn movie!" And that movie is called "Murder Set Pieces".
To give us a hint on what we're in for, the movie opens on a random scene of some blood covered basement. But nevermind that cause we then focus on two little girls, Jade and Megan, walking to our main character's car. He's never given a name so I'll name him Sven for the sake of this review, cause that's the actors name. (Which is weird cause the character is German but isn't Sven a Swedish name? Eh, what do I know?)
Sven says in a growling voice "You're late" and he puts on the weirdest German accent. I don't wanna just come out and say it's fake, cause I'm giving Sven the benefit of a doubt that he was actually trying. So Sven is taking Jade and Megan home cause he's dating Jade's sister Charlotte and Megan is Jade B.F.F.
When Sven drops Megan off, he cranks the creepy meter to 11 and asks Jade how school was and what her favorite subject is. She says history and he goes "Yes. History is important." Then he goes on a weird tangent about his camera (cause he's a photographer, you see) and saying how pictures and cameras never die. Jade is just sitting there going "....help?"
They arrive at the salon Charlotte works at and mindless bantering happens between everyone but it's all very unimportant so let's just jump to the next random thing. Sven is driving and he picks up two prostitutes. Then we go to a hotel and they're getting it on with each other when Sven comes in and kills one of them. The other chick doesn't notice until she touches blood on the bed sheets.
We get images of a kid on some railroad tracks and some lady standing there. Then that ends. I'm telling you, this movie is just full of random images.
Charlotte and Jade are driving to Sven's for dinner and Jade says she doesn't like Sven cause he's weird. Well, I'm kinda weird too, but I'm sure my fiancee's sister likes me enough. But on the other hand, I'm not a murderous German.
Oh, that's another thing I wanna mention now. Even though we saw Sven kill the prostitutes, from this point on in the movie, we don't really see him kill anyone. He's just about to, then it jumps to him sleeping or driving, so I had the sneaking suspicion that he was dreaming the murders or something. I'll get more into that later.
So they're all having dinner now and Sven is eating some meat super extra ultra bloody, like they needed to telegraph the message that this dude is kinda not balanced right. Jade asks why he eats bloody meat and Sven goes on another weird ass tangent about how blood contains iron and women have an iron deficiency and that's it ironic they need blood to live but they spit out blood every month.
On that wonderful note, Jade gets up to go to the bathroom but instead she sneaks into his bedroom and there she finds a picture of some dude with Hitler. Well, three guesses who happens to walk in at this moment? Hitler! And he's an old man!! No...wait. Actually, it's Sven. And he tells Jade that his grandfather served Hitler and fought the bad guys in World War II. Jade says "But...wasn't he German?" Yeah Jade, that was a smart thing to say.
Suddenly we jump to Sven just roaming around Las Vegas (Did I forget to mention this takes place in Vegas? It takes place in Vegas.) and he wanders into a casino where Andrea is playing the slots. Sven puts a coin in her machine and hits a jackpot. With this move, Andrea falls for Sven and lets him photograph her.
After a ten minute scene of Andrea taking photographs, Sven leaves the room and looks at his little razor thingy he carries around. This made me think of the musical "Sweeney Todd", where the title character sings a sorta love song to his razor blade. And it made me wish I was watching that instead of this piece of shit.
We abruptly jump to Jade and Megan talking and Jade is saying how much of a bad boyfriend Sven is cause he won't fuck Charlotte (Jade really says this by the way) and Sven is outside her school taking her photo. Yeah, that isn't suspicious at all.
Ok now I gotta admit something here. I started to watch this movie one day, but I had to stop it. Then tonight I started to watch it again but I decided to start over again to refresh my memory. So all of that was the first 20 minutes of the movie that I watched twice, which is why I'm able to remember everything that happened. Now we're getting into the parts I haven't seen before and since the major randomness begins, I'm not sure if I'm gonna present it in the right order. So bear with me here.
So we're thrust into the next scene which involves another prostitute walking into a hotel and Sven is sitting there. He tells her to take her clothes off. And you're probably wondering where all the Boobie Shots are. Well, every chick in this movie, that's over the age of 18, is naked in this movie, so if I took a Boobie Shot of every Boobie I saw, I would have to charge you guys $8.99 and free passwords to other sites. Anyway, the chick gets naked and Sven jumps up, grabs her, a throws her into a bathtub. We assume she's dead but they don't show her die. Instead we get more of Sven lifting weights and black and white images of....something. Tons of more random images are thrown at us, including some kid in front of a fireplace molesting a Barbie doll. I wish I was making this up.
Then Sven pulls up to some house and holy shit it's Gunnar Hansen, better known as the dude who played Leatherface in the ORIGINAL "Texas Chainsaw Massacre". How he got roped into this movie is beyond me. Anyway, Gunnar invites Sven into his house where there's a giant swastika flag hanging in the living room. Hm Leatherface was a Nazi. That explains a lot. After spending 10 seconds in the living room, Gunnar calls Sven in and on the bed is one gun. Sven looks at it, puts the clip it, and points it at Gunnar, who speaks in German.
Oh, I forgot about the German. Everyone talks German in this movie. No, not all the time, but at times the characters just randomly speak German. So Gunnar speaks German and I couldn't help but notice how big of a dork Sven looked during this scene. This totally had me convinced he wasn't really a serial killer and this was all in his mind or was a dream or something.
Another random thing that I totally don't get which means the movie is really starting to slide downhill happens. Gunnar (Ha-ha he bought guns from Gunnar. Hahaha...I hate you movie) says "She's waiting in the other room with her panties off. For an extra 500 bucks, I'll run to the 7-11 and buy some beer...and drink it there." And end scene. Who the fuck is she? What the hell was he talking about? My brain hurts.
Sven visits a strip club and next scene he's fucking some girl. I'm gonna guess the girl is from the strip club. Then Sven is covered in blood. If he killed the girl he was just fucking we don't see a dead body or even him killing her. But he gives a weird monologue where he talks to someone, which I suspect is really himself in a mirror. I don't really remember what he says but it wasn't important. Nothing said or done in this movie is important.
After Jade and Megan talk about Sven on the playground, which states that he hasn't seen Charlotte in awhile. This is what little plot this movie has: Sven and Charlotte's dating habits.
I hate to tell you this but...there's more random scenes. This time Sven is taking pictures of two chicks topless under a tree. We get this scene for 30 seconds and...that's it. But thankfully the next scene is one of the best scenes in this movie, and for this movie, that's saying a lot.
Sven goes to a porno shop and he goes up to clerk, being played by Tony Todd, who's first line of dialogue is "elephant cage cleaner". Believe it or not, this is explained. But I love this bit of randomness that I won't explain it. So nyah! Anyway, Sven goes up to Tony and asks if he has a snuff filmed called "The Nutbag". Tony spends 10 minutes not knowing what a snuff film is and saying the word "degenerate" roughly 60 million times. Then suddenly Tony knows what a snuff film is and goes to kick Sven out, when Sven pulls his blade and is about to kill when....
God, I love this and hate this simultaneously. How is that possible?
The porno store gets robbed. Two masked gunmen run in and hold the place up. One guy goes he doesn't wanna hurt anyone but then starts shooting everyone in sight. He goes to shoot Sven but Sven pulls out the gun he got from Gunnar (ugh) and shoots both robbers. Tony is ever so grateful and offers to find that snuff film when Sven shoots Tony. And that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, randomness at it's best. But don't worry, the worst is yet to come. Then the best again. Yeah, this movie jumps around like that.
More driving, more walking, all done to very generic metal music. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Systematic Downer! He picks up some chick who I thought was Charlotte but I'm not sure. And next he throws a wig out his window and either he says "It's a wig" or "You're a pig". Honestly, either one makes just as much sense.
More driving, more Charlotte upset that Sven is gone (poor little plot, he's so desperately trying to get the coach to put him in the game but he keeps getting benched), and I swear to God Sven plays with a jack-in-the-box and the little jack looks like Sven.
And we're in Sven's little torture chamber where he's talking to a chick hanging upside down. He looks at his tools and finds a box. He opens it and it's some Nazi medal thing. He gives another weird ass monologue and holds the medal thing like he's a priest in "The Exorcist". Oh and he does the monologue in German too. And here is the worse jump in continuity. The girl in the chamber was hanging upside down but now she's sitting tied up in a chair. Maybe he has two girls in this chamber, but we only focus on one this entire scene. So I dunno. Any event, he puts on some fake teeth and bites the shit out of the chick sitting down.
After 900 more random images and pictures, Sven is visiting a psychic. Why? I don't know. This whole movie is like upcoming scenes for a sitcom called "The Murderous Adventures of Old Sven". So, he's at a psychic. But Sven is acting like he doesn't wanna be there and gives a "whatever" attitude the whole time. The psychic reads the Tarot cards and points to two of them, one of them the death card but the other one looks like it says "The Dick" and the image does indeed resemble a dick. The psychic doesn't say what it means and kicks Sven out. Sven wants to know badly, so badly that he strangles and kills her. We do kinda see this but it isn't shot very well. I still suspect it's a dream.
And now it's off to...some girl's house. I have no fuckin' clue who this chick is. But she's mad at Sven for being late. At this point, I'm crying cause I don't know what's going on and I'm thinking I'm losing my mind and maybe this lady was introduced but I forgot it or something. But no, watching it back again (yes I had to watch it AGAIN. Things I do for you people) she's just introduced all, say it with me, "randomly".
The random girl yells in German and big surprise Sven kills her. He walks into a kids room and...this scene ends. I guess he killed a kid? I really don't know. But I'm glad for once I don't know. I already hate this movie, I don't need to be disturbed.
And now here is the worst random scene ever place in any movie at any given time. This scene is so random that I don't know how to describe it properly. Basically, Sven is asleep on a lawn chair outside and he starts having a nightmare. About 9/11. Like news footage of 9/11 happening.
Yeah...I don't know either. Seriously, what the fuck does THAT have to do with anything? Maybe he was in New York on 9/11 and that caused him to be a murderer? I don't know, why do I care? Just shut up, Jason and finish recapping/reviewing the movie.
After the 9/11 scene, Sven is outside Jade's school just watching her. Jade tells Charlotte but she doesn't believe her and gets pissed off. Whoa! This....is a plot!! HOLY SHIT!!! WE FOUND A PLOT!!!!! AHHH!!! I'm so excited!
Aw fuck, it's over. Now Sven is walking and he spots from trick-or-treaters and they do the right thing and avoid him. Later that night, Charlotte and Jade are watching TV and there's a news report about the disappearance of Megan. I thought to myself "Nah, it can't be THAT Megan. Wouldn't they actually show this news report or this happening?" But only in a GOOD movie would they do that. Instead, we get Jade telling Charlotte that Megan is dead and it's her fault. Charlotte gets a phone call and...she doesn't talk. Jade sneaks into some other room and climbs up on top and find a key. What the hell is this key? You're not gonna believe this.
Jade leaves and goes to a gas station and gets into some dude's car. At first I thought she knew the dude, maybe it was her father. But no. It's some random (I'm beginning to hate this word now, how about you?) dude and he agrees to give Jade a ride.
Meanwhile Charlotte and Sven are having sex but he pushes her off and she walks away. And that is the last we see of her. Did Sven kill her? Did she just simply leave? I don't fuckin' know, quit asking me.
Random Dude drops Jade off at Sven's place and he growls at her to never hitchhike ever again. Um, that's not hitchhiking, but whatever, we're almost done, I'm gonna stop nitpicking. So the key goes to Sven place and why the fuck it was hidden on the top cabinet in Charlotte's place is beyond me. Jade breaks in and looks around. Meanwhile Sven is busy in his torture chamber putting a chainsaw on some chick that looks like Lindsey Lohan, or maybe even Britney Spears. This movie got my attention now.
The final best random moment appears when Jade hears the chainsaw and finds a secret passage way in Sven's closet. Sven hears Jade and opens the door and this exchange happens:
Just like that. Jade runs away but stupidly runs UPSTAIRS and hides under the bed. Sven spends several minutes contemplating where Jade could be and when the coast is clear, Jade leaves her hiding spot. Then I notice she's sans shoes and as I start to wonder why, Sven comes back and this time decides to tear apart his bed. Underneath he finds Jade's shoes. Don't ask why. You shouldn't care.
Jade STUPIDLY (again) hides out...IN HIS FUCKING TORTURE CHAMBER!!! Now would've been a good time to establish if he did indeed kill Charlotte and Megan but nope, just the Lindsey Spears chick and some other chick who COULD be Charlotte but we don't see the face, so how the fuck should I know?
Sven returns cause he somehow knows Jade's in there and she does one smart thing by slamming a door in Sven's face. This stuns him and Jade makes a run for it but he grabs her and is about to do something awful I'm sure to her when she reaches for some scissors and stabs Sven in the tummy. Jade runs but the door is barricaded with a piece of lumber. Jade pulls the lumber off and hits Sven smack in the head with it, causing him to fall down and pass out. Notice I didn't say die. Jade runs out.
|This is seriously the best scene in the whole god damn movie.|
Fuckin' random scene of a kid finding some dead naked chick and we're back to Jade, who is covered in blood and she's walking all slowly down a deserted street. Umm....Sven lived in a NEIGHBORHOOD! You know, with people? Couldn't you have, I dunno, KNOCKED ON THEIR FUCKIN' DOOR?? Well, this is the last time we see Jade.
And now I present to you: The stupidest ending in the whole fuckin' world. We are on a Greyhound bus and I been on Greyhound enough times to tell you they really filmed this on a Greyhound bus. We see a dude in a cowboy hat walk out of the bathroom and sits down. He lifts his hat and....it's Sven. There's a little girl across from him and they do a playful shootout with their fingers and laugh. Some hot chick sits next to Sven and flirts with him. He says "This is my special camera", takes the hot chick's picture and jump to black, cue closing credits.
WHAT! THE! FUCK! No. Wait. Nevermind. I'm glad it's over. Let's celebrate. Let's celebrate by burning this fuckin' piece of shit DVD and roast marshmallows over the fire. Let's reflect on the good times we had before this horrible movie came into our lives. (Simply by you reading this review, this movie has invaded your life. Now you know why I called this "Invasion" of the B-Movies.)
So let's see here. Acting sucked. Story sucked. Direction sucked. Music was ok. I would say writing sucked but when 200 wannabe writers is responsible for the script, you can't be too surprised. Just avoid this movie at all costs, ok?