This review of "The Galaxy Invader" has been bought to you by CheesyFlix.com! CheesyFlix.com, the home of horrible movies!
And judging by this movie, they were better off with "The Pod People". Oddly enough, neither movies has anything to do with pods, or people from pods. There is a round thing, which I GUESS could be a pod, but that's a bit of a stretch if you ask me.
Almost immediately I realize we're in for a ride when I saw the words "A Film by Don Dohler", then every other name in the credits was Dohler. Two Dohler's appear in the movie, and Don himself did just about every other damn thing himself. He wrote, directed, came up with the story, and quite possibly provided the drugs to the "actors" in this movie himself.
The movie opens with a car driving in a field. The car no doubt belongs to a Dohler and probably has the license plate DOHLER on it. And why this car is just driving in a field is a mystery, because we're distracted by a cartoon meteorite crashing nearby. David, who was driving the Dohler-mobile, gets out and investigates.
He then immediately calls Dr. Tracy, some professor dude in some college that David went to. Since Tracy is all into UFO's and aliens, David calls him up and tells him he found one. The problem is the town David is in, Harleyville (I guess this is where the motorcycles are made?), is six hours away from Non-Hickville, where Dr. Tracy lives. Tracy tells David to wait for him on the side of the road while Tracy drives there. Yep, wait outside for six hours, ok pal? Thanks.
Then we're introduced to The Montague's. No, we didn't switch over to Shakespeare all of a sudden. Carol, the middle child, is demanding eggs from her mom Edith. Carol is teased by older brother J.J and younger sister Annie. Joe, the father, demands to know where Carol is going and we find out a whole shitload of things about Joe within the first five minutes of meeting him.
1. He's a drunk.
2. He has a T-Shirt with giant ass holes in them.
3. He likes to occasionally threaten to shoot and kill his own kids with a shotgun.
Number 3 comes into play when he finds out Carol is dating Michael, some dude Joe don't like. Joe picks up his gun (Wow, someone turned the Jimi Hendrix song into a movie) and chases Carol out of the house and into the woods. There, Carol meets Michael, who promises to take her away from shotgun welding fathers.
Thankfully, we go back to David, who seriously was waiting off the side of the road for 6 hours. Dr. Tracy pulls up and they go search for this meteorite that landed.
Now we're introduced to the alien. He is stumbling around the forest and he breaks into a random house, killing the dude and the chick inside. This gives us the impression this alien is evil, since the dude and chick didn't do anything to harm the alien.
Back to Joe hunting for daughter. J.J is sent to calm Joe down and they both find the alien, just standing there. Joe shoots at it, which makes it run away, but not before dropping this round white thing that looks like a giant golf ball. Joe and J.J pick it up and take it back home cause they're stupid crackers.
Dr. Tracy and David are roaming around the forest, looking for the spot the alien landed in, when they get tired and hungry. Even though David saw where it landed and was there IN HIS CAR, he doesn't know where it's at. But they call it a day and head back into town.
Joe calls his friend Frank and Frank's skanky girlfriend Vicki to look at the giant golf ball from outer space. Joe wants to sell it but Frank tells him they'd get more money if they capture the alien, alive, instead. Joe likes the idea but they're gonna need help. So they go to the only place one needs to go when you need help to bring in an alien from outer space alive.
The local bar! Joe and Frank swagger in saying they need men, and men only, to go on a "special secret hunt" out in the woods late at night. Maybe it's just me, cause I'm not a drunk redneck who hunts, but this sounded like an open invitation to a gay orgy. Maybe that's just me. While Joe and Frank are at the bar, the alien comes up and knocks J.J out and steals back the giant golf ball. I guess he had a match set up with Tiger Woods. Back at the bar, we meet tons of people whom I'm convinced are real bar patrons in some backwater town somewhere. Frank continues to brag about getting a shitload of money and a few of them agree to join in on the orgy.
So later that night, all the volunteers show up and Frank tells them what they're hunting and they instantly believe him and go off to hunt. Meanwhile, our two plots crash together when Tracy and David go into the same local bar to get some food. Yum, dysentery. They overhear Vicki talking loudly about capturing an alien and David tells Tracy where Joe lives, since that is where they were hunting for the thing.
Tracy and David show up in record time to witness the rednecks shoot at the alien, who is shooting back with the giant golf ball and a plastic gun that looks like it was bought in the toy section of a dollar store. A few of the drunk bar patrons die but Frank eventually sneaks up on the alien and ties it up. Tracy is all upset about this and they follow the hillbillies back to Joe's place, where they put the alien in the garage.
Joe and J.J check out the toy gun and giant golf ball and finds out that the golf ball powers up the gun and causes it to shoot lasers. Joe is more then ecstatic about this and has dollar signs in his eyes.
Early the next morning, Tracy and David break into Joe's garage (the prequel to Joe's Apartment) and untie the alien. The alien realizes Tracy and David are friendly and want to help it so he doesn't kill them. But Frank pulls up and wakes Joe up. Realizing they don't have much of a choice, they just run out of the garage, with the alien following the. Frank gets his gun from his car and the chase is on!
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Damn. That's so weird. Sorry about that, you guys.
Ok, anyway. Carol joins in on the Save The Alien cause and steals from Joe the alien's gun and golf ball. She meets up with the alien and gives the gun and golf ball back. The alien is grateful. Soon, everyone is running in the woods and suddenly it turns into the ending of "Reservoir Dogs". Frank shoots Tracy, the alien shoots Frank, and Joe shoots the alien. David takes off and Joe grabs the alien's gun and golf ball back.
David meets up with Carol, who insists her boyfriend Michael can help them. Why he's their only hope is beyond me, but whatever. Michael comes up with a plan to get the gun and golf ball back, give 'em back to the alien, and send the alien back to space. And they proceed to...wait till the next day to do this. No, I don't know why but whatever. However, it does give us a chance to see a weird scene in the movie.
Carol is sleeping and she hears a noise. She decides to check it out, giving the movie about 10 minutes of padding because all the action packed stuff happened up front. Suddenly, she sees the alien and instead of going "Oh hey, I remember you, I helped you earlier in the day" she goes "AHHHH!!!" into the alien's face, which scared it and caused it to run out. This confused me cause isn't she helping the alien out? Why is she screaming at him and scaring him away?
Anyway, the morning arises and Joe wakes up to a empty house. Everyone is meeting Michael to go over the plan and another thought occurred to me. J.J is in on this plan, but I thought he was on Joe's side. I guess J.J is one of those stupid people that goes along with whoever's around him.
Hitler: I think I'm gonna kill a bunch of Jews.
President Roosevelt: NO! Killing Jews is wrong!
While the family is plotting against Joe, Vicki visits him to see what happened to Frank. Joe offers her a drink but she declines, worried about Frank. I guess she missed his daily beatings or something. Instead of telling her that Frank is dead, Joe decides to rub his body up and down on Vicki, while she screams out "No!! NO!! NO!!!!"
In other words, Joe tries to rape Vicki. I was just trying to put it nicely.
Vicki manages to escape, but Joe grabs the toy gun and the golf ball and kills Vicki. Joe hides the body and passes out again. While passed out, Michael, David, and J.J sneak up on Joe and steal the gun and the golf ball and run out. Michael, David, and Carol decide to give the gun and golf ball back to the alien, while the rest of the family tries to stage an intervention on Joe.
But Joe wakes up angry and it's here that I realize that he talks like Jimmy Stewart, if Jimmy Stewart was a drunk redneck. It's quite funny and I spent the rest of the movie just laughing at everything Joe said. Joe decides to do what he does best and grab his shotgun and threaten to kill Carol.
Michael, David, and Carol come across a hole and stops running, which is where Joe catches up with them. The alien shows up but Joe shoots him with the toy gun and golf ball, killing him. Michael is tired of Joe's shit, and decides to beat the living shit out of him once and for all. But Joe, despite being a scrawny drunk, gets the advantage on Michael and starts to choke him. Edith, who is also tired of Joe's shit, picks up the shot gun and through 2000 edits and camera angles, hits Joe upside the head, causing him to fall into the hole, which turns out to be a FUCKIN' CLIFF!!!! WHAT?? Who puts a cliff in the middle of a forest??? The fuck?
But Joe is dead, the alien is dead and....that's about it. I'm willing to bet to be ironic, they buried Joe and the alien together, and pour a whole case of Pabst Blue Ribbon all over the casket. It seems fitting.
Normally, I'd stop there and give my final thought but I gotta mention the ending credits real quick. Literally the entire thing is peppered with the named "Dohler". I guess film making is a family effort with them or something, with Don doing most of the work. Then to top it all off, we seriously get a credit for "Hat provided by". Just...wow.
This movie is something else, and that something else isn't very good. But it's good for a few laughs. This entire movie is just horrible but the use of real bar patrons is always good. One thing I left out was the scene were J.J punches Joe. I just can't describe it, you need to see the beauty of this scene yourself. And if you want to see this movie for yourself, might I recommend going to Cheesyflix.com? CheesyFlix.com! The home of Cheesy Flicks!
Man...what the hell IS up with that?