Fantastic Four (1994)

We have no one to blame but the stupid copyright laws for this movie. Without really getting into it, the studio that made this movie had the rights to the Fantastic Four name and characters but they kinda sat on their asses and never made the movie. They learned that if they didn't start production on the movie soon, they would lose the rights and Fantastic Four being a household name (Citation Needed) they didn't want that to happen.

Not knowing what else to do, they called Roger Corman, yes THAT Roger Corman, and asked him how they can make a big flashy movie for cheap and quick, something he is an expert on. Corman came in and over the course of a few weeks, they put together this movie...which was never suppose to be released to the public. Yes, that's the punch line to the whole thing. They were just going to film the movie, say it was filmed, and hold on to the rights just a bit longer until Jessica Alba was old enough to act. Or something like that.

Of course, comic book nerds being comic book nerds, they somehow got their hands on a copy of this movie and soon began bootlegging the shit out of it. The copy I got, which was given to me by a friend, is probably a 8th or 9th Generation copy. I'm going by how crappy the quality is and how I couldn't see shit throughout the movie.

In other words, this is going to be a fun review.

Like all movies, the credit sequence occurs in space. Well, photographs of space anyway. Once the director's credit ends, we go to a classroom where a hyper science teacher is excited cause some meteor....thing called Colossus is about to make its way by Earth. In the class is Reed and Victor. They're excited by the meteor for a different reason: they want to harness the power to do...something. Hey, regular folks like you and me weren't suppose to see this so why explain anything?

Reed is staying at a boarding home run by Mrs. Storm. Her kids Sue and Johnny are roughly around the age of 12. I mention this to point out how creepy some scenes are later in the movie. I wouldn't doubt if Chris Hansen had something to do with this movie. "Why don't you have a seat right there, Mr. Corman. What are you doing?"

(That previous sentence is only funny if you ever see any version of "To Catch A Predator". If you haven't, I apologize for the lame joke.)

Reed and Victor go to a laboratory and start using some machine to harness the meteor. It flies by and every looks like a Pink Floyd Laser Show. "The Wall" indeed. But you'll never believe this! SOMETHING GOES WRONG! GASP!! Not in a superhero movie! Things always go as planned! Something starts malfunctioning and Victor is blasted by some of the Laser Show. Ben shows up kind of out of nowhere and pushes Victor out of the way of the laser, but it's too late. He's burnt to a crisp.

Two guys with heavy generic accents tell Reed Victor is dead and they wheel the body away. Turns out these guys are friends with/work for Victor and they call him Your Highness. So....Victor is a king? I know, I know, they didn't HAVE to explain anything. But it's still fucking annoying.

Ten years later (I know cause of the helpful title card), Reed is so old he's got streaks of white in his hair. He and Ben are going to fly into space to look at Colossus up close and continue the work he and Victor tried to do. They need two more people and for no reason, they get Sue and Johnny, who I think are just barely 18 at this point. (Ok, if they were 12 at the beginning of the movie, they'd be 22. Plus I don't know if Johnny and Sue are twins. I mean they look the same exact age. I never read any of the comics so if all of this was explained I don't know.)

Mrs. Storm looks at them four leaving and she shoehorns in the line "Look at you...The Fantastic Four!" Oh great, now she'll be asking for royalties on the name. They all prepare at Reed's building, which the address is 4444. God, I want to punch somebody right now. They're waiting for a special delivery of a huge hunkin' diamond, which two shadowy figures are watching closely.

One shadowy figure is poking his head out of a sewer and he looks like The Leprechaun's retarded brother. The other shadowy figure is really hard to hear, but he's cloaked in green. More on him in a bit.

The diamond arrives and it's gonna be used to keep the spaceship cool, or a laser cool, or something. While the diamond is being delivered, Ben bumps into some blind chick, who falls and breaks a statue. The chick is upset about this but Ben immediately falls in love with her. She feels his face and says "See ya later....well not 'see' but you know...." and she awkwardly walks away. The Leprechaun's Special Brother also spots the blind chick and he too falls in love with her. Man, I didn't know blind chicks were in. Excuse me, I'm gonna go poke my girlfriend's eyes out.

She wouldn't let me. So nevermind.

Reed places the diamond in one of those laser alarm systems you only see in movies and they leave to prepare for their mission. The Leprechaun's Special Brother breaks in, climbs over the lasers, CAUSE THEY'RE ABOUT 5 INCHES ABOVE THE FLOOR, and steals the diamond and replaces it with a fake one. Man, the platform the diamond was resting on wasn't alarmed? Reed's a dumbass.

The muffled green guy, Doom, sees all this somehow and he says "well I only wanted it so Reed's mission will fail but nevermind now". Well I think that's what he said. It sounded more like "Hurrmph murph mrrgh Reed purgh." The reason he's muffled is cause the actor is wearing the iron mask that Dr. Doom has but they didn't put in a voiceover so you can't understand what he's saying.

Again, no one was really suppose to see this. I know, I know.

The next day, they all get into their space ship and fly into space to check out this meteor, which I guess flies by every 10 years. The fake diamond doesn't do shit, which causes the meteor to put on the Laser Show right in front of their eyes, and the ship explodes.

Somehow they don't die but they land safely to Earth. Reed and Johnny wake up and find they don't have any scratches on them. They then hear Sue's voice but don't see her. Ben shows up and he appears to be unharmed. Sue starts appearing and Johnny sneezes fire. This startles them both, which causes Sue to trip. Reed goes to grab for her but his arm suddenly extends on it's own to reach for her. Confused, they just wait for help to arrive.

I'm not sure why they didn't just start walking. They said themselves that no one knows where they are and everyone thinks they're dead. So staying there isn't really doing any good. Somehow, Doom knows they're alive and he sends some people to pick them up dressed up as the military. Wait...how does Doom know where they are? Whatever.

It's later that night when the fake military show up and by this time Ben has turned into a walking rock sculpture. I'm not sure why his conversion took so long, but everyone freaks out when he shows up. Reed calms everybody down and they go with the fake military guys.

Meanwhile, The Leprechaun's Retarded Brother, who's called The Jeweler (is he a character in the comics? I have my doubts he is) shows up at The Blind Chicks, named Alicia, house to kidnap her and make her his Queen because, according to him, she's shunned by outsiders. I don't recall this ever happening but whatever.

At the fake military base, a nerdy doctor examines all four of them individually, so there's four times the jokes! HA! Ben falls on his ass cause he broke a chair! Johnny suddenly lights on fire! Sue vanishes! Reed extends his arm to the doctor! Oh hilarity! The nerdy doctor reports to Doom about their powers and Doom want to take all their powers and give it to himself so he'll be super powerful! But he needs the diamond.

Doom sends some of his goons over to the Jeweler to get the diamond but The Jeweler plans on giving it to Alicia so he refuses their offer and he sends them away with a warning. They report back to Doom and he wouldn't give it up so Doom has to go and get it himself.

The Fantastic Four, meanwhile, is bored waiting for something to happen so they decide to break out of this joint. When some guards come in, they knock them out and sneak out. Soon, an alarm is tripped and they come face to facemask with Doom. He explains he needs them for evil purposes but they're not gonna stand for this, so Doom leaves and lets his goons take care of them.

This is the first instance they work together and Ben shouts "It's clobberin' time!" and they start fighting all the goons. Reed tells Johnny to make an escape so he uses his flames to burn a hole in the wall. Cause that won't take forever.

Sue's power is kinda funny. She can only turn invisible but everyone treats it like she transports someplace else. She's still there, you just can't see her. But that doesn't stop the bullets or the bad guys from running into each other. Ben gets impatient and tells Johnny to stop being stupid so he can make the hole his own damn self. They all run out and the funniest scene happens next.

Doom walks in, not knowing what just happened, and he goes "So my friend are you ready to-" then he notices all the goons are knocked out and The Fantastic Four have escaped. Doom goes "Oh...uh...right!" and sheepishly walks out of the room. Hilarious.

The Fantastic Four get back to the 4444 building to figure out if they can reverse the effects themselves, mainly for Ben's sake. He's all depressed that he's the only one that can't blend in with the rest of society. So he does the next logical thing: leave the building and run around in New York City, where everybody looks at him, screaming.

Eventually, one of The Jeweler's goons finds Ben and tells him he can go home with him cause he'll fit right in. This movie is so dark at time I can't ever tell if the goons are all deformed or what. They act like they are. The goon takes Ben to The Jeweler's lair. The Jeweler is trying to woo Alicia but she's not having any of it. The goon tells him about Ben and The Jeweler leaves to check Ben out.

The Jeweler (god, every time I type that, it sounds stupider) welcomes Ben and tells him he can stay as long as he wants. But soon, Doom comes knocking on The Jeweler's door, demanding the giant diamond. The Jeweler uses Alicia has a hostage, which gets Ben's attention. Alicia, who doesn't know that Ben is now The Thing (you know, they never really call him that in this entire movie now that I think about it) recognizes his voice and blurts out "I love you, Ben!" This softens Ben and he transforms into a regular guy. Doom is like "Ha ha ha, I have you now!" or "fah fah fah mur hur dur!" and shoots at Ben, who runs away. Doom takes Alicia and the diamond. The Jeweler, thankfully, is never seen ever again.

Ben gets all angry and transforms back into The Thing. Meanwhile at 4444, Sue has made laughable stupid costumes for everybody while they figure out who Doom is. While they were escaping, Reed found some paper with a bunch of numbers written on it. Johnny wants to know how someone else could know about harnessing the power of the meteor cause the only people that knew was Reed and Victor. Once Johnny says Victor, Reed goes "Oh yeah...Victor's last name is Von Doom. DUH!!" You're just NOW figuring that out! God! That'd be like if my friend Bill got disfigured in some freak accident, he vanished for ten years, then showed up in a mask calling himself "The Szany" and I went "Hmm...don't know you, dude!" Jeez.

Anyway.

So now that they know Doom is Victor, Doom appears on Reed's monitor. It's never explained how he did this but what he does is fuckin' hilarious. The entire time Doom talks, he mimes out what he's saying with his hands. When he tells them they have 12 hours, he actually uses a finger to air-write the number 12. I guess even they realized nobody could understand him in that damn mask and told the actor to do this. Anyway, Doom is going to blow up New York City in 12 hours. That's the plot.

Ben shows back up and tells them "it's clobbering time" for the 5th time in 10 minutes (he said it during the showdown with Doom at The Jeweler's a bunch of times) and they suit up and get into the flying car they suddenly have and fly 10 minutes out of New York City to Doom's giant evil looking castle. Where the fuck is this castle suppose to be? On Ellis Island? Just sitting in the Atlantic Ocean? The hell, man?

They land in Doom's castle and walk right up to the laser (god this movie fuckin loves lasers) to destroy it, but Doom puts on some force field that prevents them from moving. Doom appears, tells them they suck and that he's going to blow up New York City and kill Alicia anyway. Reed, despite not being able to move, manages to extend his leg out of the force field and kick the laser until it blows up.

Doom, who I think is secretly a giant pussy, activates some OTHER laser to blow up, I don't know, the moon. Makes just as much sense. Then Doom runs away while some left over goons fight The Fantastic Four. Guess what Ben yells out? Yep.

Johnny somehow knows that he can fly using his flame power, so he flies to stop the laser from hitting whatever, while Reed, Sue, and Ben stop the goons. Reed goes after Doom and they're standing outside. Oh, I can see this coming a mile away. Reed says they were friends once but Doom blames Reed for disfiguring him so go fuck off. Then Reed says "Ok, you're a jerk anyway" and punches him until he falls over the ledge and is now hanging on. Reed has a change of heart and tries to save him but Doom says "You suck, loser" so Reed says "Alrighty" and drops the fucker. That was easy.

Johnny manages to catch up to the laser and stops it somehow. Actually, it just merely explodes in the air. I love movies where no thought is put into it. With the day saved, Reed and Sue confess their love and soon are married. Ben and Alicia hook up and I hate to turn into Brodie from "Mallrats" but how do you think they fuck? Granted, they did show he turns to normal when she says "I love you" but do you think maybe his dick...eh I better not even go there.

The movie ends on a stupid note when Reed stretches his obviously fake rubber arm out of the sunroof of the limo and wobbly waves goodbye to everyone. And surprisingly enough, it ends there. No Doom waking up and laughing. No The Jeweler vowing revenge. Nothing. I was surprised, honestly.

Ok, I was hard on this movie. I know no thought was put into this movie for the reasons I explained earlier. So despite that, it was a fun watch. It's funny to see Corman's touch on a flashy project like this. It's funny to try to understand what the fuck Doom is saying. And it's funny to see the foam suit of The Thing get all squishy anytime he talks. If you can find a copy, get it and watch it with some friends. It'll be a good time.
Oh and it's clobberin' time. In case you didn't know.

-Jason