When you hear about a film that involves a big breasted woman going around killing people by suffocating them with her boobs, two things come to mind.
1-What were the film makers smoking when they made this film?
and
2-Where can I see this?
This is definitely something you should experience for yourself, but I'll try my best to pass it on.
This movie stars Chesty Morgan, who used the fake name "Zsa Zsa", but we know it's really Chesty cause Zsa Zsa Gabor only wished she looked that good naked. My introduction to Miss Morgan came from the John Water's movie "Serial Mom" when the perverted best friend is caught whacking off to a Chesty movie. I never caught the title to that movie, so if anybody out there knows it, send me a line.
And the funny thing about "Deadly Weapons" is you know the main concern on everyone's mind is Chesty killing guys with her giant tits. But one person, either a real stupid guy or just some script girl, said "But WHY is she killing people with her boobies?" Realizing that the person won't shut up, Doris Wishman quickly whipped up a stupid plot that leads up to Chesty killing people with her Morgan's. As a result, we have no idea what the fuck is going on the first 50 minutes of the movie. (At the 50 minute mark is when the suffocating with the boobage starts, I kept track.) So I'll do my best to relay the first 50 minutes that don't involve killing with mammories.
During the credit sequence, Chesty is dancing in front of tiny mirrors rubbing "herself" up and down and all over. This goes on for about 15 minutes, give or take an hour. Hilariously, there's a credit that reads "A Hallmark Release". Now we know what they were all about before making cards.
The film then starts with three obvious thugs busting in on some middle age guy's room. This is where the vague plot begins because we don't know who the guy is and why we should care if they beat the shit out of him. The obvious leader of the gang, Larry, rummages through the guy's drawers (I mean dresser drawers, you pervs) and picks up something we can't see, to keep things as vague as possible. The thugs leave the old guy to cry on his rug.
Larry returns to his home and looks through a small book that's generally used to keep phone numbers. I think we're suppose to figure out that this is what he took from Middle Aged Guy, but it's not too clear. Anyway, Larry dials a number and some guy named Batty (maybe Batti but it's funny to think his name is Batty and people just assume he's batshit insane) answers. Yet again, vague plot going on here where Larry tells Batty he knows about "the deal" and he'll keep quiet if Batty pays him 10 thousand dollars. Batty is like "I don't know what you're talking about, homie" but Larry isn't having any of that and says to get the money ready by tomorrow and hangs up.
Then we meet Chesty's character Crystal. She's sleeping in bed when Larry walks in and starts fondling her. I'm hoping this is part of the script, otherwise Chesty could have a lawsuit on her hands. Despite this movie starring Chesty Morgan and being about her boobs, we don't see any sex, which is a good thing, trust me. But sex is assumed and we jump to the next day.
To waste more time, we watch Chesty take a bath and this goes on for about 20 minutes. Larry calls Batty to get the money and Batty agrees and that is the last we ever hear about Batty and his secret deal. To give you a heads up now, we never find out what deal this is, who Batty is, and what this has to do with anything that's about to occur. Yet again, plot filler, which is fine cause the breast killing scene makes it all the more enjoyable if you ask me.
Larry states he has to leave town for a few days and tells Chesty to hid the small book somewhere safe. I guess her bra isn't an option. Then we find out that Chesty is a (you ready for this?) advertising executive! Yes, she's in advertising. People in advertising, I bet you wished your co-workers looked like her, don't ya? Hell, it makes me wanna get into advertising. But I have a theory on why they chose this as her profession which I'll get to in a minute here.
Larry leaves and teams up with some goofy looking asshole with the worst mustache in any movie I've ever seen. Mustache guy is Tony and they're meeting with their Boss, whom we never see. This is suppose to be the "Shocking surprise" part of the film but any idiot with a brain and good hearing can figure out who the Boss is. The boss sends Larry and Tony on some vague mission.
After some more scenes of Chesty roaming her house with her boobs flopping around (not a complaint mind you), we see some guy dressed like Inspector Clouseau going up 70 flights of stairs, and every flight is filmed. This movie didn't skimp on anything. After reaching floor 69 (WOO!), Tony and someone who I thought was Larry (more on that in a minute), come out of nowhere, beat the shit out of Clouseau, asking where "it" is. The guy says something about a drawer and Tony kills him, Julius Caesar style!
Chesty meets up with her dad and his voice kinda sounds familiar...hmm...well, let's just be surprised together at the end, huh? And after sitting at his table for 5 seconds, Chesty insists she must leave. So the whole point of her seeing her dad was so we could figure out...
Nevermind.
Chesty is back home, working on her "advertising" when Larry calls. He says they're going to Hawaii together to spend the rest of their days together forever. Now, we all seen enough movies where we know what's gonna happen obviously. There's a knock on the door and Larry answers it. And we enter Confusion City.
Tony and some dude with an Eyepatch walk in, asking Larry where that "it" is. Hmm, it just occurred to me, maybe they're referring to those E-bay ad's where everybody had an "IT". Anyway, Larry is as confused as I am on where the hell this came from but instead of explaining it, Tony and Captain Hook (As Tony calls him) kills Larry. I should point out that Larry just put the phone on the table to answer the phone, so Chesty is hearing the entire thing.
This scene cracked me up because Hook is looking DIRECTLY at the phone (With his good eye of course) four times while Tony stupidly says out loud where they're both going to hide out and the fact that Tony calls him Captain Hook. It's then they leave the apartment and Chesty does what I call "The LaBamba Cry of Agony", named after the film "LaBamba" when Richie Valen's brother goes to the bridge and screams out "RICHIE!!!!!" Except, of course, she screams out "LARRY!!!"
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| Wonderbra Twin powers activate! |
So now it's obvious what must be done, but it takes a little while longer for it to click in Chesty's head. She spends about 5 minutes moping around, exposing her cleavage, and having a zillion flashbacks, one of them including Larry in his underwear!! UGH!! It's later that night in bed when she realizes what she must do. And that is to hunt down his killers and avenge Larry's death!!
By the way, I shouldn't have to point out how gratuitous the nudity is in this movie. It's like Chesty takes her top off any opportunity she gets. This scene is a good example. She takes her top off and paces the living room coming up with her "Kill Bill"-like plan.
Chesty finally takes action and flies out to Las Vegas, where she heard Captain Hook is staying. She gets the idea to try out to be a stripper cause she overheard Tony saying that Hook has a thing for strippers. So that's a good idea, we should just jump to that...
No. First, Chesty is in her room in Vegas and calls the clerk to ask if (I swear I'm not making this up) Mr. Hook checked in. Now, I know that she doesn't know Tony called him that cause of the eyepatch but come on! He called him Captain Hook for cryin' out loud, doesn't mean that's his last name. Then Chesty wastes more time looking the paper for a stripping job. She finds out and goes to apply.
Well, the process involves the strip club owner, who looks like Mike Ditka, saying she doesn't get the job cause she has no experience. But he changes his mind when Chesty shows him the goods. And of course we get a 20 minute scene of Chesty stripping.
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| "Damn! I thought The Fridge had big ones!" |
After stripping once and getting hit on by Mike Ditka, Chesty goes back on stage and there she spots Captain Hook. Wanna hear something funny? While she's dancing she says out loud for everyone to hear "CAPTAIN HOOK!" Now, how he didn't hear that and figure something was up and leave is beyond me. But he stays and requests a private dance from her.
They go to his room and...ohh! Here we go!! The great suffocating scene! She slips something in his drink, the something nestled in her boobies, which I'm surprised is still there cause she just spent two hours shaking them left and right on stage, and gives it to him. While he's having some kind of effect to the something, she takes her top off and climbs on top of him, boobs in face, and this goes on for a glorious 5 minutes. Finally, he stops moving and he is dead.
Ahh...that was great. The movie could've just ended right there and I'd be happy. I know, we still have Tony to deal with, and the "surprise" ending, but I wouldn't care. I'd just fill in the blanks myself. But no, we got about 25 more minutes of boobage and hilarity.
Chesty flies to Miami (information she pumped out of Hook before smothering him) and checks into the hotel Tony is staying at. This isn't too complicated cause she spots him right away. And he's with his girl Eve, who isn't too bad herself, but she's no Chesty. Anyway, Chesty meets up with Tony at the pool and figures out it's Tony.
Later, Tony and Eve is at possibly the smallest bar I've ever seen. It's almost as if Doris Wishman filmed this scene at her private bar in her basement...hmm...nah. She's a talented film maker and wouldn't DARE to think to do something as cheap as that. Anyway, Tony and Eve is at the tiny ass bar and Chesty walks in. She keeps bumping her boobs into him cause of the size of the bar and her chest and whatnot. For some reason this pisses Eve off and she storms off.
Eve is so pissed off that she decides to leave. And for some reason they have separate rooms. I've never heard of a mobster letting his girl have a room to herself, but what do I know? Anyway, Tony stops Eve from leaving to wherever it was she was gonna leave to and they're about to have sex when Eve does something totally stupid. She says she knows Tony killed Larry.
Well, ok. I'm sure Tony is gonna handle this ok. I mean, Eve is his girl, I'm sure he can trust her in not telling anyone or blackmailing him and-oh he strangled her with his necktie. Nevermind.
Tony goes back to his room and there Chesty is waiting. Instead of stating the obvious things such as "How'd you get into my room?" "Who are you?" "Why are you following me?" "How in the holy hell do you get those thing in a dress?" He just jumps on top of her and kisses her. I guess murdering people turns Tony on. (I forgot to mention, when he came back from killing Larry, he got it on with Eve.)
Before he can give it to Chesty, he says he's gotta catch a plane. She goes "Want a drink?" And then almost the same exact thing as last time with Hook happens. Pill, drink, feeling woozy, topless, and finally boobs in face. But this is done...from another angle. Oooh!! Ahhh!!! Weee!! And with that Tony is dead.
That's pretty much the entire movie. I can just stop right here and-
What? Oh. The Boss. You haven't figured it out? I mean, there's only one guy left alive. Ohh, ok.
Chesty returns home and goes to her Dad's place. She tells him that she's going to the police to turn in that book Larry told her to hide. Dad wants to know where it is and she says it's in a safe or something at her place. He insists he comes with to the police but says to wait until morning. Not seeing ANYTHING wrong with ANY of that, Chesty says "ok" and goes home.
That night, Chesty is sleeping (topless as usual) when she hears something. She gets up to check it out. The Boss is going through her things and-
OH MY DEAR LORD! THE BOSS IS HER FATHER!! I totally didn't see that coming!! Holy shit am I ever surprised!! I thought it might've been maybe a character we haven't seen before!! WOW!! Dad/Boss asks where the book is, but Chesty just remains silent (Using the Jack Bauer trick, are we?) and calls the police, which takes about 5 minutes for each number. That's cool cause it gives Dad time to shoot Chesty right in her Chesty area. While going back to look for the book, Chesty pulls a gun out of her ass (or possibly tits, who know what she keeps down there, maybe her keys? The holy grail? That'd be a new twist on "The Da Vinci Code") and shoots Dad right in the ass. Seriously, in his ass. And this kills him. Chesty pulls herself to Dad and it had me thinking she was gonna put her boobs in his face, making this really incestual, but no, in an ironic turn, she puts HER face in HIS chest and...dies. I guess. The end.
What a wild ride huh? Now, you probably already glanced down to see how many stars I gave this. Before you think I gave it that many cause this movie is about boobs and Chesty getting naked every 2 seconds, I just wanna say, that's only part of the reason. The other reason is because this movie is so god damn goofy it's hilarious. Let me put it this way, any scene that doesn't have Chesty in it is hysterical. Any scene where Chesty has to "act" is just downright funny. And everything else from directing to editing to simply blocking is just so fuckin' looney. This is possibly, the best B-Movie I have ever seen. It has everything. Thank you Doris Wishman.
If you're still alive.
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