Molly Grows Up

I often wonder how different my life would've been like if I was born a girl. Would I still be a "movie buff?” Would I be popular and date the captain of the football team? Would I run a moderately successful B-Movie site? Would I get knocked up at the age of 16, run away from home, and change my name to Bambi and work the pole's until I'm 40? Regardless, I consider myself rather lucky to be of the male persuasion, mainly because of this short's subject matter: Menstruation!

Or as it's called in this film, "The Curse.”

After the credits are typed and place in a binder, I notice this was written by a guy. He had ph.d. after his name, but still, shouldn't something like this have been written and handled by a woman? Ah, yes, it was the '50s, when they were only allowed to cook, have babies, and bleed all over the damn place.

Anyway, we meet Molly, who will probably grow up to be a good-looking gal, is talking to some random old ladies on the street. I'm not sure if she knows them, or just needed someone to tell this fascinating story about going to a wedding. Her friend Peggy calls her and they rush to school.

On the way, they run into Nurse Jensen, who asks about Molly's sore throat. We don't know how she got it, why it's important to this film, or why Jensen is so concerned. Maybe this short is a sequel to "Molly Gets Strep Throat."

This might explain how she got a sore thorat.

After Jensen checks Molly's throat at her office, Jensen starts narrating to us saying that Molly is growing up. Hence the title. Then I guess what we see next is a flashback. We are introduced to Molly's family, Mom, who looks like your typical ugly 50's mom (Yeah I called your grandmother ugly, you wanna do something about it?), Dad, who looks like he's pushing 60, and Molly's older sister, Jeanie, who has me convinced that either she or Molly is adopted. Actually, looking at Mom, I suspect Molly.

That's totally a guy in drag. I'm sorry but it is.

 Molly is in Jeanie's room, trying on lipstick and a old lady Church hat, which belongs to Jeanie, and she gets busted by Jeanie. When Molly sees her grabbing for some very old "sanitary napkins,” Molly wonders when she'll get her period. Jeanie says it shouldn't be too long now. And she's right. After the next jump cut, Molly runs home, declaring that she got her period!

Her mom asks "Tell me about it" which makes me wonder if Mom is really a woman or not. I mean, she does know what a period entails, right? Bleeding, cramping, women being bitchy. (I'm gonna get emails on that, aren't I?) It fades to later that evening and Mom is continuing their talk about their periods when Peggy calls.

Molly answers and asks Mom if she can go swimming. Mom says this isn't a good idea cause of her riding the crimson wave, so Molly gets back on the phone and the PMS goes into high swing when she practically yells at poor Peggy, "OF COURSE I CAN'T GO SWIMMING!! DON'T YOU KNOW I HAVE THE CURSE?!!!!!!" If she was talking to a guy, she would've added how small his dick is and that her vibrator does more work then he does.

(I'm not saying that I actually heard these words myself. Ha-ha-ha...no. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna cry now.)

Ok, I'm back. And while Mom is hemming Molly's skirt, 60-year-old dad, who looks like John Carradine from certain angles, walks/shuffles in. He overhears Molly and Mom talking and says, "EH? SPEAK UP!" Then he finds out about Molly's Aunt Flo and realizes she's grown up. Then he makes a surprise in his pants.

"I'm John Carradine. Have you seen my ukelele?"

The next day/week/year/whatever, Nurse Jensen is filling in for the regular teacher. Now, I didn't go to school in the 50's so maybe it was different back then, but I have never heard of the school nurse filling in for a teacher. I can't even imagine what my school nurse would be like as a teacher. We'd probably just have our hair examined for lice, then forced to watch films like these.

Anyway, Jensen goes on and on about girls and their changing bodies and what a period entails. This part is quite educational and now I know. And knowing is half the battle!! (Man, imagine a GI Joe episode ending with something like this. "Joe, my girl is bleeding, why?" "IT'S HER TIME OF THE MONTH!! G.I. JOE STYLE!!!!")

But I imagine most of you know what a period entails, so I don't need to explain this scene. Oh wait. I forgot what site I run. Ok here's the rundown, you nerds:

Chicks have Ovaries. They release an egg cell that, according to this film, you can't see. The egg travels down this thing called the fallopian tube and while that's going on, the walls of the uterus...get shaded in. It's during this time that if a sperm cell meets the egg cell, a baby or as I like to call it "A drunken mistake" forms. If the girl goes the entire month without getting any (or she forces him to use a condom), the heavy shading against the walls of the uterus ooze out of the vagina or hymen or whatever that little thing is called. Hence, all the bleeding.

GET IT?!?!?!?!

See? You didn't think this site could be ed-u-ma-cated-able. Isn't learning fun? (This is actually said in the short by the way.)

Jensen then fields a bunch of stupid questions and while studying a shot of the class I notice these things:
1. I don't see any boys. Well, I think there are some, but they look like girls, so who knows.
2. There's only about 20 people in this class. Maybe this is a '50s thing, but I remember having about 30-35 people in my class. Unless the missing 10 or so are the boys, but then where'd they go? Did they just all happen to ditch on this day? Did Nurse Jensen send them to Mr. Buckner's class to learn about table saws and safety goggles?
And 3. There's no black people. Yes, I know. The '50s. And come to think of it, everyone did talk in Southern accents. Ok, nevermind.

The people circled are who I suspect are boys. I dunno why boys would want to be here but whatever.

"See Molly, you bitch! You owe me an apology!!"

After seeing a chart that totally contradicts Molly's mom about swimming, we cut to an odd shot of Molly dressed like she's gonna audition for the role of "Lolita.” Then we cut to Molly's living room where Jeanie is getting ready to go on a date. We get the typical educational film ending that tell us that soon Molly will be ready to be a grown woman and how she can't wait, and all that good heart warming crap.

I don't know what it is about educational shorts that bring the worst out in me. But this short is pretty damn goofy. I mean "The Curse?” It sounds like something out of a fairy tale. "For not doing your chores, I now Curse you!! You will bleed out of your 'magic place' every month for the rest of your life! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!!" Boy, that would've been a goofy version of Cinderella. Prince Charming trying to match a tampon-

Ok, sorry...

Before you send in those nasty emails, just know that I realize you have to put things delicately for little girls who are probably freaking out about bleeding "down there" and I don't mean any disrespect to all womankind. But come on! The Curse?! Square dancing?! And a garter belt/thong to hold the "sanitary napkin?” This thing was just begging me to make fun of it.
And that, my readers, is why I'm glad I'm a boy.
-Jason