Awhile ago I wrote a review for "Gay Niggers From Outer Space", which, clearly, is a pro-homosexual film. Very, very pro-homosexual film. To show those right-wingers that I, too, am fair and balanced, I shall review an anti-homosexual film. A very, very anti-homosexual film. I should note, however, that I certainly do NOT have a problem with "homosexuals" and that I respect them and everything. But I'm don't wanna be accused of pandering to just one side of the coin, since I'm sure people of all walks of life read my site.
With that out of the way, let the gay bashing begin!
We start off with Lt. Williams leaving his bland looking police station and heading to his bland car. Oddly enough he passes by a little boy and he pats him on the back. Considering what he tell us in about two minutes, I think something is up with Lt. Williams here.
Williams is our narrator and he's gonna tell us about some homosexual cases he personally worked on. Well, I'm assuming he worked on them cause he seems to know a whole lot about them. The only thing I can figure is Williams is a "evil homosexual" himself and all the guys in the following stories is really him committing these deeds.
Our first victim is Jimmy. He's casually hitchhiking because that was the thing to do in the 50's. A pervy Jack Nicholson-type picks him up and takes him home. On the way to Jimmy's house, they talk about all sorts of things: baseball, fun, and which actor looks good in a speedo Rock Hudson or Jim Neighbors.
Ralph, the Nicholson guy, becomes immediate friends with Jimmy, taking him miniature golfing and fishing. It isn't before long that Ralph starts showing him....PORNOGRAPHIC PICTURES!!! OH NOES!!!! And from the looks of 'em I'm guessing it's playing cards with naked guys on the back.
At this point Lt. Williams informs us that Ralph is a "sick homosexual" and he has a "sickness" which I'm sure he's down with. Jimmy doesn't know about this sickness so he continues to pal around with Ralph. Until one day when Ralph takes Jimmy into what looks like a hotel room. What happened in there I'm not sure. It jumps to Jimmy and his parents walking out of the police station and Williams telling us that Ralph got picked up and is in jail. And Jimmy is released on probation to his parents.
Wait. What?? Isn't Jimmy the victim here? Why is he on probation? Did the stuff we didn't see include Jimmy and Ralph going on a "Devil's Reject's" type massacre through the town or something? Is Jimmy the Patty Hearst of his time? The fuck man?
But enough about that. Let's move onto victim #2 Mike Meritt. Mike is playing basketball with his friends when his friends realize there's a creepy guy in a bowtie watching them. Since they don't like Mike that much, they take off in hopes that bowtie guy will rape and kill Mike.
So Mike is by himself when Bowtie Guy comes up and starts playing basketball with him. After the surely sweaty game, Bowtie Guy offers to take Mike home. Mike says ok. Williams interjects with "Mike didn't know he would be riding in the shadow of death". I guess he should take a look at his life and realizes there ain't much left.
And with that...we're done. I guess what that "Shadow of Death" statement means is Bowtie Guy did in fact rape and kill Mike. Cause you know, according to this film, homosexuals are pedophiles and murderers. But enough of that bad stuff, let's meet victim number 3!
Denny is doing a paper route with his friend Jerry. They watch two people ride by on bikes. Not even 10 seconds later, a dude in a car pulls up and asks if they saw two guys on bikes. Denny is all like "Yep!" and the dude in the car goes "Get in and let's get them!" and Denny is all like "Ok!" and he stupidly does.
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| "I like doing the crosswords for the people. Save them some time!" |
If Denny does end up raped and murdered, I gotta say he deserved it. What the hell kind of pick up line is that? "Let's go after those two guys on bikes cause they stole them". The fuck? Well Jerry, thankfully, is the smart one and he ends up writing the dude's license plate number on one of the newspapers. Uh oh! Mr. Perry White isn't gonna like that! Someone's getting a whole dime taken out of their paycheck next week.
So Jerry continues with his route while Denny is probably doing all kinds of positions I'm sure he never even dreamt of doing. Jerry oddly enough ends up at Denny's house and gives his mom her paper and asks if Denny came back. Denny's Mom says no and Denny gives her the paper with the licence plate number. They call the police and in no time they find the dude and his car. And I'm gonna assume Denny. Since Williams didn't say anything about the shadow of death.
I figured three stories would be a nice round number in a ten minute short but I guess they had a couple of minutes to spare, so we get a bonus story! Score!! Weren't the kids in the 50's lucky?
So it's off to victim #4, Bobby. Williams informs us that public bathrooms is just full of sick and demented homosexuals and if you visit one, and you're above the age of 18, you are indeed a homosexual. NOW you tell me. So Bobby and his friends leave a public bathroom when they notice a weird guy just kinda lookin' at them. They all decide to get the hell out of there but they disagree on which way to take. Bobby's friends take the path more traveled, but Bobby, cause he's a rebel and a loner, takes the path less taken.
While going down this path, Bobby notices that pervy bathroom guy is following him. Bobby then decides maybe Robert Frost was onto something and runs off to join his friends. But...his friends also visited the public bathroom. That must mean they're sick homosexuals also!!! And they probably raped and tortured Bobby. But Williams doesn't tell us that.
Instead he tells us the typical closing stuff like be careful and pay attention and don't talk to strangers and don't do stuff and don't have fun and don't ride bikes and all that other stuff you weren't allowed to do in the 50's cause sick demented homosexuals were everywhere! And for god sakes DON'T GO TO A PUBLIC BATHROOM!!!!!!!
I think this short is a little bit over the top. I mean just cause someone's a homosexual doesn't make them some kind of little boy killer. And just cause a little boy wants to be friends with an old balding guy who wears bowties doesn't mean anything sexual is going on. Sheesh. Like this one guy when I was a kid, Mr. Dave. Mr. Dave use to wear a bowtie and he would come by my school and give me a ride home, even though I lived two blocks away. And he's give me candy and take me out to baseball games. And we'd sometimes go to public bathrooms where I sucked on a pretty large popsicle.....wait....
-Jason
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