Before I start this review, I'm just gonna say that I was going to write a lengthy warning. Not about the content, the title alone should tip you off. But the warning was for my own personal sake. It was gonna state that I am in no way a homophobe or a racist and me putting this review on this site does not make me so. But then I realized I shouldn't have to put a warning up because I have never given any sign before that I was. This film is on this site only as a b-movie, not for its "message" or cast or whatever. On the other hand, any hate mail I'll get should be humorous to me, so if you are a tight ass conservative republican, send the hate my way.
Speaking of tight asses, let's get with this film, which I'll just call "GNFOS" from this point on.
GNFOS was made, as far as I can tell, as part of three requirements to join the GNAA (The AA part is Association of America. The GN part should be no surprise, by looking at the title.) You have to watch this film first, then answer a quiz about it, and some other third thing in order to join. So I must say, if you are going to join, do not use this review as a Cliffnote.
Before the movie even begins, there's a weird 10 second clip of a beer commerical. I don't know what it has to do with this movie, but it's there. And now I'm thirsty.
We start with a Barry White-esque voice over stating that we are going to meet the crew of the spaceship Ringmusculatarus 2. Their five-year mission is to "boldly go where no gay has gone before." (Movie's wording, not mine.) Then we meet the crew as they do things to their obviously fake spaceship. Oh, and they are from the planet Anus. Yet again, movie's wording, not mine.
Shaved Balls, the chief Technician, finds that they are coming toward a planet. It's big, blue, and has water. So let's call it, "EARTH". They do a scan on the planet and realize that there are female life forms on the planet. Captain B. Dick calls for ArmInAss, an "agent", and they go into a room privately.
Here, I thought for sure it was gonna turn into a gay porno because Arm suddenly takes his shirt off and lies on a table. Then Dick starts rubbing Arm on the chest, then on the head...the one on top I mean. Dick says that he chose Arm so he could get some training in since he's fresh out of gay agent school. His mission, should he choose to accept it, to go to the planet and see if there are in fact any female life forms. Arm reluctantly accepts.
They beam Arm down and he lands in what could possibly be the seediest part of any town I have ever seen. There's nothing but homeless people, making out with hookers, and pimps, making out with, I'm guessing, homeless hookers. Oh and for some reason, the opening of "The Theme From Shaft" is playing. A "female life form" approaches Arm and asks if he's looking for a good time. His response?
"FEMALE!!!! FEMALE!!!! FEMALE!!!!"
So Dick takes it upon himself to send his crew down there and get rid of all the female life forms who are repressing the male life forms. What we get for the next ten minutes is quite possibly the most offensive thing I have ever seen put on film.
They pick three countries at random, starting with Russia. The computer says some not-so-very nice things about the woman in Russia, so the German gay-youknowwhat goes down and takes care of them. He proceeds to hug the males nearby, while I swear the ending song for "Fiddler On The Roof" plays.
It's like a GAY!! ON THE ROOF!!! Sorry.
Next up is Japan. Basically the same thing, except two Japanese chicks are laughing at some Japanese dude while he puts chopsticks in a napkin and wraps it up. I dunno what's going on here, but Ildo shows up and nukes the two Gogo's.
On the last stop of the "Offend Every Nation In The World" Tour, is Germany. The picture speaks for itself.
After Arm kills the one German chick, he, with the others, beams back and declares that the world is rid of females. Damn, that was fast. By my count, that was 5 females. Including the one from the seedy town, that's 6. So there were only 6 females on the planet? What about the hookers and/or the homeless chicks? Who took care of them? And where was that at? America?
Anyway, Dick says now the males of Earth need to be taught how to, I'm being serious here, give birth. And to make it worse, give birth to only male children. And they'll need an ambassador to do that. So they go to their holy brown ring, stick their arms in it, and it picks one of them to be the ambassador. It picks D. Ildo, a "data processor". Sure.
For some strange reason, this means Ildo had to change his appearance, so he does and he transforms himself into a European Charles Nelson Riley. When he's transformed, the crew starts drooling over him. So I guess they can date other races, despite what we just saw five minutes ago.
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| Before... |
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| FABULOUS!!! |
Oh Jesus Christ, this dude is with a kid! WHAT?!?!?!
At this bathhouse, Dick pours his "N-word seed" on Ildo and tells him to go out to the world and teach. The rest beam back up and the narrator ends things stating that the crew continues their strange mission, to find any planet where male life forms are being repressed by female life forms, and to make this universe a gay universe. The end.
I really never had any idea that gay people dislike women that much. I mean, damn. And it also bothers me that Dick just took it upon himself to say he's gonna rid the world of females and let males give birth. Did we, straight males, ask for this? No. I mean, yeah women can be a pain in the ass at times, but I'm sure we wouldn't wish they'd vanish off the face of the planet. You know, can't live with them, can't live without them. And I also think that any typical straight male would be too lazy or scared to give birth. We'd just eventually die out. Unless...that was their plan all along. Hmm...I'm onto you GNAA.
I...can't give this a rating. Sorry.
-Jason
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