Sex.
Now that I got your attention. How do you teach sex to kids? But most of all, how do you teach kids to the (going with the P.C term here) mentally handicapped? A bunch of people in the '70s thought they had the answer, so they put it on film and called it "The ABC's of Sexual Education For Trainables."
"What the hell is a trainable?", you may be asking yourself. I guess it's just an outdated word for the mentally handicapped. So if you're offended, send your complaints to them, not me, ok?
We start off with a nice melody playing while some girl is walking down the street. Soon, a car pulls up along side her and calls her over. She walks over and the guy in the car starts fondling her hair. Then she gets in the car. Soon, a Charles Manson reject is arrested in the street at night. No, he wasn't the guy in the car, this is an unrelated image. We then learn that the narrator's name is gonna be Richard Dix and the laughs can now begin.
Dick is here to tell us how to explain sex to the trainables and that it should be done in a way that isn't scary. But they ended up making it goofy as hell in the process.
We go to a classroom full of trainables and they all shout out various words for "penis". My favorite is "Ding-dong". DING DONG!
Next is a girl with a horrible accent showing some bad pictures of a man and a woman and asking the trainables around her what the difference is between a man and a woman. She asks one trainable girl if she knew what "the things up here on the chest that women have" were called. When she didn't, some smarty pants trainable sweeps in with the correct answer. I guess even trainables can be teachers pets.
Then it's some dude who looks like Rip Taylor talking about how the penis gets hard to some trainable boy who looks like he rather be off doing something else that doesn't involve Rip Taylor talking about a hard dick.
Speaking of Dick, our narrator then says one of the funniest things I've ever heard in any short film ever. "Next we're gonna discuss something that everybody is afraid to talk about. It involves sexual intercourse. Or sex. Or screwing. Or whatever you wanna call it." I personally like "Horizontal Mambo."
We cut to a girl who talks like Lois on "Family Guy" talking about the vagina and how women have three holes. In case you didn't know, they do in fact have three holes. I know, I was shocked too. (Of course, I don't get out as much as I'd like and I run a B-movie review site, so I'm probably alone on that piece of news.)
Then it's Rip Taylor again walking into a bed room asking why this trainable guy isn't up yet. The guy proclaims, rather proudly, "I'm wet and sticky!" I know, I know I shouldn't laugh, but I'm sorry. I had to. Yeah, I'm going to hell. If I believed in hell. (Actually my own personal hell would be having to watch "Cabin Fever" and "House of The Dead" on an endless loop for all of eternity. *Shudder*)
Even more disturbing is a girl holding up a Maxi-Pad showing it to a trainable girl. I've seen this short about maybe 10 times (It's one of my favorites) and I never noticed until I went in to do this review that I swear the pad has been used! EWWW!!! And she's all holding it out n stuff. Yuck! Girl are gross.
Our first stop is a kid, who I swear isn't a "trainable", under his covers playing with himself. His mom walks in and catches him. And instead of doing what every other mother does when she walks in on their kid doing such a thing (running away in shrieking horror, then giving him a stern talking to about it later), she gives one of the most bizarre speeches ever about it. Even the kid in the film was confused by it, he just sat there for five minutes.
Next stop is a trainable, I guess, at a urnial while some guy at the urinal next to him starts rubbing his back. Ew. Then we see what the Charles Manson guy was arrested for: staring at a window for a porno store. Boy, they took peeping seriously in the 70's.
After a priest and a doctor/law officer (I couldn't figure out who that guy was) tell us that trainables are going to hell and they can be arrested (I think), Dick wraps things up and tells us it's ok to take the nearest trainable, show him dirty pictures, make him say bad words, and not to grope them. He seriously says those things. And with that, this little gem of a film comes to a close.
I dunno about you, but this possibly the best damn short film I've ever seen. I was horrified the very first time I saw it, but then I got over it and realized how fuckin' goofy the whole damn thing is. I would love to see an updated version of this...maybe not. They'll probably talk about vibrators and anal beads.
-Jason
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