Alice in Wonderland (1976)

My introduction to this version of "Alice in Wonderland" was at the 2004 B-Fest in Chicago. I remember scanning the titles that were going to be played for the next 24 hours and thought "'Alice in Wonderland'? They can't mean the Disney version." Then I noticed that it was being played at 2 AM and I realized it was an adult version.

Yes. A porno version of "Alice in Wonderland". Up until I saw "Gay Niggers From Outer Space" I thought I have seen everything. And this is one of those movies you just have to see for yourself to believe.

The story starts with Alice, a librarian who gets hit on by William. She rebuffs him saying she had to feed her 90 cats and catch up on Reader's Digest. William says he'll go visit some hookers and storms out. Alice sings a song (Oh yeah I forgot to mention it's also a musical. Did your mind explode yet?) about growing up too fast and decides she's gonna be a slut! Good for her.

Then Mr. Rabbit appears. You know, when making a live action version of Alice in Wonderland you have to consider how weird a lot of it is going to be. Seeing a man dressed up as a rabbit is a bit disconcerting. Anyway, Alice doesn't question why this guy is dressed like a rabbit and runs to call the police. Instead she following him through a mirror and lands in a room with two doors and a dog. I have no idea what the dog is doing there, but considering what type of movie this was, I was scared.

Thankfully, the bestiality is put on hold but for now she drinks this potion to fit through the tiny ass door in the room. This causes her to shrink down and not her clothes which actually makes sense if you think about it. She wraps herself with some sheet thing I guess she just happened to be wearing and walks out the door.

While looking for the rabbit, she falls into a lake where she meets a guy dressed up like a cat. Talk about a furrie fantasy movie. The cats have some weird ass names, but there's three girls and one guy. Sounds like fun. And when complaining about being wet, the cats insist they dry her...with their tongues. You can kind of guess what happens next.

After the cats give her some kind of white lingerie thing, she finds herself at a riverbed. She sits on a rock and finds out that it talks. The rock urges her to touch herself and she does so. It's quite erotic in a way, at least it would be if it weren't for disembodied voices going "Oh yeah...just like that..."

After the self love, Mr. Rabbit appears and takes Alice to The Mad Hatter. He insists the 9 3/4 on his hat is his cock size but after seeing it, I'd say he's at least 5, maybe 6. Anyway, he presents his cock to Alice and after getting permission, she sucks him off.

Now I know what a review would be like if I ever decided to watch a Mary Carey film. Oh and I should mention here that in between these "acts" there's a title card that comes up with a sentence depicting what's going to happen next. Then written in red, is something to make that sentence even dirtier. Hope you see what I mean.

When the Hatter is "done", a big crash is heard. It turns out that Humpty Dumpty fell. Well, more like his dick fell. And nobody could get Humpty's dick back up again. So Alice gives it a shot. Two blowjobs within five minutes of each other, not a record but still pretty impressive.

After Humpty gets "it" up, Alice, along with Hatter and Rabbit, decide to head to the King's Ball. Many double entendres are made out of the words "ball" and "queen's box" and before you think you're gonna shoot yourself in the head, we meet Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

They like to fuck. And they do, with Alice watching. Kinky. We find out more about them later.

They arrive at the Ball and Alice meets the King. He talks her into letting him go down on her, but the Queen walks in on them and asks for head. Not Alice's head, she wants Alice to GIVE HER head. Alice insists on a trial and it's at this point the film melts down and I stopped understanding what the fuck was going on.

There's a trial where Alice is found guilty, but there's lots and I do mean lots of topless dancing. While Alice is getting primped for the Queen, a bunch of random scenes of people of Wonderland fucking each other is presented, along with a hot chick breaking the fourth wall. I sure hope you get that joke. It's during this weird ass montage of fucking that we find out that Tweedledum and Tweedledee are in fact brother and sister. That's what was missing from this movie, incest.

While getting Alice ready, the two girls doing so go down on her as well, but the Queen walks in. Alice and the Queeny (This fall on CBS) do their thang (I'm sure you're sick of me saying they fucked by now), which causes the Queen to pass out.

Hatter and Rabbit come and help Alice escape and there's a 10 minute escaping scene as there's a chase throughout the entire forest. They meet up with the furries and they throw her in the lake.

Somehow she ends up back at the Library where William shows up. He apologizes to Alice, but Alice, after learning that sex is good and fucking is better, rips his clothes off and goes right at it in the non-fiction section. Then after a strange montage of Alice sliding down some rapids naked, she and William gets a house somewhere and they have kids and whatnot and they lived happily ever after! Aww!

So there you have it. There's nothing more I need to say. How can you not love a porno musical version of Alice in Wonderland? This movie is kinda hard to track down, but if you find it you'll see it's worth the work.
Alice pulls a boner, indeed.


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