Alice Sweet Alice

Boy, if there's ever a film to depict reasons why you shouldn't have kids, this will do it. Well, there's possibly other film’s that better depicts reasons, but this should jar you slightly.

At the start of the film we find out that Alice is kind of not right in the head. She likes to torment her younger sister Karen (Brooke Shields), she likes to hurl insults at the overweight landlord Alphonso, and she hangs out in the basement while wearing strange masks.

Alice, Karen, and their mother Katherine all go over to Father Tom's rectory (huh-huh-huh rectory) because Father Tom has a gift for Karen. It's a necklace with a cross on it. Alice gets jealous and decides to tease Mrs. Tredoni. How does she tease her? By walking on the floor she's currently in the middle of mopping. Ohh, that'll really shake her up. What's next? Using the glass she just washed? Not wiping her shoes after coming in from outside? What a rebel Alice is. Oh, and Alice is wearing some sort of weird mask as she's rebelling. This mask will pop up throughout the rest of the movie.

Then we get a glimpse into the life of Katherine, Alice, and Karen, as Karen looks at the dress she's gonna be wearing for her first communion and all that other religious crap people go through when they turn a certain age. I went to a Catholic school for about four years of my life and I still don't get the point of all that or what order it's done in. Thankfully, since I wasn't officially baptized, I didn't have to go through it. Ok, sorry for the A.D.D. Back to the film.

Alice gets all jealous over Karen's dress and throws a five minute hissy fit about it. I take back what I said earlier. If you have kids, make sure they're boys. Girls can be so fussy. Anyway, we get our official introduction to Alphonso, who is a big fat pale bald dude, who talks like he's gay, and owns a bunch of cats. When he talks to the cats, he says, seriously, "Are mamas’ kitty's hungry? Mama is hungry too." Then we're treated to a lovely shot of both "mama" and the cat sharing the same meal.

Now, I dunno if it was cat food they were eating, or what. For the sake of what little sanity I have left at this point in my life, I'm gonna go with something everybody can enjoy. Like, oh, Salami. Everybody loves Salami. Except vegetarians. They eat Tofu Salami. And even cats shouldn't have to eat that stuff.

Damn A.D.D. Back to the film.

After Brooke Shields being in this movie for about, oh, five minutes, we cut to the church, where Karen is suppose to get her first whatever along with some other girls. Karen, to make it convenient to the plot, is put last. Her last name is Spages, so unless there were no other kids with last names from S-Z, they didn't line the kids up alphabetically. Anyway, someone calls for Karen and she stupidly goes. The person who called her is wearing the same weird mask Alice had on earlier, so we're supposed to think it's Alice who's doing all of this. I'm gonna just ruin it for you right here and now, because you know I was going to sooner or later anyway, that it's not Alice. But we'll get to that when the time comes. Anyway, this person we're suppose to think is Alice kills Karen and while dragging her body to a trunk, Karen's veil falls off. The person puts Karen in the trunk and for some strange reason, puts a candle in the trunk and closes it.

Like 15 seconds after this, Alice comes out, wearing the veil. See? We're supposed to think Alice did this. She, for some reason, kneels where the other communioners (yes that's not a real word) a minute ago, waiting for her body of Christ. Now here's the weird thing. Father Tom knew Karen was supposed to be getting this thing, and he gave it to all the girls that were in the line. Didn't he stop to notice she wasn't there? I mean, I know it's an all holy Mass and whatnot, but at least show him notice Karen wasn't there or something. The Father just put the little bread thing in the last girl's mouth, then goes back to the altar. Oh and it's here we are introduced to Aunt Annie. She's a royal loudmouth bitch, which will be further shown later on in the movie. She, loudly, announces that Alice isn't supposed to be up there and while this is going on, a nun smells her own farts.

No, wait. She just smells something. It COULD be her farts, but she decides to investigate in case it isn't her own farts. She finds Karen in the trunk, partially on fire. Sadly, we don't see this. But this ends Brooke Shield's involvement with this film. The friggin' movie cover I have states, in big letters "Starring BROOKE SHIELDS.” But I guess at this point in my B-Movie watching hobby/career I shouldn't be surprised that the movie cover lied to me.

Annie freaks out and announces Karen is dead. Katherine freaks out, but Alice just stands here, not so freaked out. See? We have to think Alice did it. Annie, because she's a loudmouth bitch, decides to live with Alice and Katherine during "this hard time.” Meanwhile, Karen and Alice's father, Dom, arrives. It turns out he couldn't handle Alice being psycho and Karen being a needy spoiled brat, so he took off, saying "Umm...I hear a much hotter chick who can't have kids calling me. BRB!" So Dom shows up and after the funeral, the police want to ask Alice some questions, probably because Jefferson Airplane told him to.

They suspect Alice did it, because of the veil business, but Katherine and Dom tell the police to go fuck themselves because they're little psycho isn't capable of murdering anyone. Meanwhile, Alice drops off some cake to Alphonso, and proceeds to call him a fat fuck. Aww, how sweet.

Later, Annie, Katherine, and Alice get into a big argument about Alice going back to school and how she doesn't like Annie being around so much. Annie's husband Jim and their daughter Angela, however, are probably ecstatic. Alice runs off to give Alphonso the rent check. She enters his apartment and before handing him the check, she further insults him, saying he's fat, and his apartment smells. Then before Alice leaves, we find that Alphonso isn't such a nice guy himself as he tries to, ew, force himself, ew ew ew, on Alice. EWWWWWW!!! Thankfully, our little psycho can defend herself, so she runs off unharmed.

Annie decides to leave and while climbing down the stairs, somebody wear same yellow raincoat and mask that Alice and Karen own stabs Annie in the leg and foot repeatedly. Of course Annie thinks it's Alice, so she screams out "Alice no!!" Alphonso runs out and he too thinks it's Alice.

Annie gets carted off to the hospital and Dom goes looking for Alice. She's in the basement, thinking Karen is coming after her. When Katherine, or Kate as she's being called now, shows up to a very sickly pale Annie, Annie wants to tell the police it was Alice, but Kate says no!! Don't!! YOU BITCH!!! Annie, meanwhile, isn't ok, isn't ok, Annie isn't ok, so Michael Jackson can stop asking.

But the police are totally convinced it's Alice, so they make her take a lie detector test. The dude who does the test asks her if she knows who stabbed Annie, she says yes, it was Karen. And she passes the test. The dude running the test says she's psycho alright, then makes a comment about touch her tits. Man, is everyone in this movie a pedophile?

As a result of the tests, Alice is being sent away to some institution, where she throws a fit about every five seconds. I think Kate secretly wished she could've done this earlier.

Things kinda get boring for a while now. We get a scene with Kate and Dom together, trying to rekindle their love, when Dom's new wife calls. Kate, basically tells him when he hangs up, "yeah I would've totally fucked you if your new wife hadn't called." Well, what's stopping us now? Huh? Huh??

Dom gets a call at his hotel from, supposedly, Angela. Now, Dom and Kate thought it was Angela the entire time, because she kinda vanished from the movie. So "Angela" tells Dom that she ran away and is scared. Dom says to go to some park and they'll meet.

At the park, Dom spots a mouse, or a rat or something, and then notices a girl/woman, in a yellow rain coat and that weird ass mask on a bridge. Dom chases her inside an abandoned building, where a very slow scene takes place of him looking for this woman. Then out of nowhere, the woman stabs him in the shoulder and takes off.

He continues chasing her, and for some reason he still thinks it's Angela, but Angela is kind of fat and this woman is kinda slender, so this isn't making any sense what-so-ever. This woman starts throwing bricks at Dom and when he eventually gets knocked out, the woman ties him up and rolls him to a large open window. When he comes to, the woman pulls off the mask and it's....

Mrs. Tredoni!!! WHA?!?!?!?!?! Yes, the old lady who works for Father Tom is going around killing people. And no, they don't clearly state why. But here's my guess, going on the half-assed reason they give in the movie. She's in love with Father Tom. That's about all I figured out. Now, I sort of get her being jealous of Karen cause he gave her a fancy ass necklace. But what did Annie have to do with any of this? She was nowhere near Father Tom at any time throughout the movie. And why Dom? Well, she kind of states why him. The reason is because Dom, and I'm serious here, kept calling Father Tom while he was eating, so she got pissed off that he stopped eating. The fuck kind of reason is that to kill people?

So Dom decides to leave a clue on his body and bites down on the necklace that's apparently so important it's worth killing a 9-year-old Brooke Shields for and swallows it. Mrs. Tredoni pushes him out the window anyway. Then she does what any psycho old lady does: go to confession.

She doesn't outright say she killed people, but sneaks around it saying she "thought" of killing people and that it's wrong to think such things. I dunno, I think about killing people all the time. But I have enough will power and too much of a sweet ass to know that I'll never survive in jail. So Father Tom says he understands these feelings because it sucks seeing the people she loves suffer, so it's ok to wish them happiness in death. In other words, he just gave her more fuel to continue her little killing spree.

She has her sights on Kate, who's now just called Kat, because it's "painfully obvious" she wants to jump Father Tom's bones. Actually I never picked up on this, but Mrs. Tredoni did.

Dom's body is found and when suring his autopsy, they find the cross and conclude that Alice isn't the murderer. So Alice gets released and goes back home. And Mrs. Tredoni is on her way to kill Kat. The cop outside leaves, and of course it's here when Mrs. Tredoni comes to do her deed.

But Alice sneaks into Alphonso's place and puts a jar of roaches on his fat stomach, then leaves with her mom to church. So Mrs. Tredoni doesn’t find Kat at home. But Alphonso starts screaming about the roaches, which startles Mrs. Tredoni, so she runs. But she's in full gear, so when she runs by, he thinks it's Alice. But when he pulls the mask off, he sees who it is, so Mrs. Tredoni has no choice but to kill him. This causes further screaming and the cop, who just now came back, hears this and runs in. She spots Mrs. Tredoni fleeing the scene.

Much like Lee Harvey Oswald or John Wilkes Booth, she runs someplace to blend in with a bunch of people. Here, it's at church during mass. The police notified Father Tom about this, and he says she'll come along quietly with him, cause he doesn't wanna disrupt the mass. This turns out to be ironic in the next few minutes.

When the whole Body of Christ thing is going on, Mrs. Tredoni plops her psycho ass next to Alice. He skips over Alice and goes to Mrs. Tredoni and tells her he knows and is going to take her to the police, so come along quietly, so they don't disturb mass. Well, it must be opposite day in Tredoni land cause she doesn't come along quietly, yelling out that Kat is a WHORE!!, then she disturbs mass by stabbing the shit out of Father Tom.

The ending doesn't make any sense here. People are rushing to Father Tom's aid, the police run in, everything is pandemonium. Alice walks away, carrying the grocery bag Tredoni used to carry her knife and mask, and she has the knife Tredoni used to kill Father Tom and as she slowly slides it into the bag, she gives us a little "Donnie Darko" stare and freezes. Roll credits.

Wait...what? Is Tredoni the real killer or was it somehow really Alice this ENTIRE time? Was Alice controlling her with her mind or something? Were there plans for a sequel? Like, what the hell, man? I'm so confused, but the movie's over with, so let's not dwell on it too much longer.

To be honest with you, it's not THAT bad of a movie. Yeah there's tons of slow parts, and the whole motive isn't explained, and the ending is just confusing as fuck. But if this was remade with a better script, I think it would be a cool story. And I liked Alphonso, all pedophile-ness (yeah, this also isn't a real word) aside. I thought he was funny and slightly creepy but in a good way. He depicts every landlord I'm sure everyone has had at some point in their lives. Or will have.


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