Date My Mom #5

I don't do these reviews too often. Sometimes I sit and think "I should do another one" cause people seem to like them. Then I sit down and watch an episode and I'm reminded why I wait so long in reviewing these episodes. They are just so god awful.

But after the recent controversy with a former contestant sending me a message, I felt the need to do a new episode. So I popped in the DVD I have of all the episodes I taped one night and I settled on this one. This one is a bit different because...it's a lesbian episode.

I'm a little hesitant to take on a gay/lesbian episode only cause people tend to get offended if you make one joke that sounds like gay bashing. I tend to be a little harsh at times but I don't mean it. Sometimes. So I said hell with it, let's do the lesbian episode but I shall preface this with a disclaimer.

DISCLAIMER: I have no problems with gay and lesbian people. I know several gay and lesbian people and they are fuckin' awesome. The fact they aren't allowed the same rights hetero people have is fucking terrible and doesn't make sense cause in the end, we are all just people, right? And shouldn't people be happy? So any jokes I might have to say in this review isn't in any way meanspirited towards people with different sexual orientations. I'm just being my usual self. With that said, let's get this train wreck a-rollin!

Our dater is Ramona, a 20-year-old half Indian/Half Jamaican. I'm gonna tell you now we're only gonna focus on the India half. There isn't a date where Ramona and a mom smoke weed and listen to Bob Marley. Unfortunately.

Ramona is 100% into girls, is studying to be a pediatrician, so she don't want to date a baby. That's probably good cause that'd be illegal. She also says she likes dating girls, so she better date a fucking girl. Keep this thought in mind. Now Ramona is off to "give 3 moms their 1st lesbian experience". I doubt this will be their "first".

First Mom and Daughter is Cheryl and Jenai. I have no idea how to pronounce Jenai. I thought it was just a weird way of spelling "Jenni" but Cheryl says it with like 8 syllables and is apparently Cuban. So I don't know. Anyway, during their intro I can't understand a fucking word Cheryl says. She says something like "We keep it blarhgh burlgh barrgh!" I rewound this five times and couldn't understand it. Unfortunately I understood the next line she said: "I'm gonna win cause I'm craka-lacka!"

Hunker down, it's gonna be a long episode.

Ramona arrives at their door, saying in Commentary Style "Shh, I'm about to date a mom. Wanna watch?" Well...yes. That's why I'm watching "Date My Mom". Kind of the point of the show, sweetheart.

During the date prepping with Cheryl and Jenai, there are several wine jokes cause "Sideways" just came out at this point and the world was clamoring for wine jokes. We re-learn that Jenai is Cuban and Cuban's are known for being sexy. I guess I agree with that. Dezi Arnez was hot. I learn that "culo" is Cuban for "ass" and Jenai got it. She most certainly does.

Ramona shows up and barely scrapes at the door, which can be heard all the way in the backyard (Why do these things happen in backyards?) and as Cheryl is leaving, Jenai says "no negative energy!" Aww...guess I gotta stop doing this review.

Eh, fuck that. I already watched and wrote these notes down.

When Ramona spots Cheryl, who's about 9 feet tall, but in a slender way, not like the Mom in the first episode I covered, Ramona says Commentary Style "Mom's legs are longer than my whole body! I love that!"

The date Ramona is taking Cheryl on: Bollywood Dancing! I'm not making that up. They dress in Indian garb and start dancing. And for whatever reason, they're obsessed with poking their heads out from behind trees cause this happens THREE FUCKING TIMES!

Cheryl states that Ramona seems innocent and doesn't know if she can handle "all this". Either she's referring to herself or Jenai. And I do wanna point that out. Ramona seems like a nice reserved girl who probably talks properly and doesn't say stupid sexist things. But the things MTV made her say is just awful. I kinda feel awful for her. Ramona, if you find this, I really like you and I hope you found happiness, just not through MTV.

After the Bollywood dancing, they sit down to talk about Jenai. We learn that Jenai is Cuban for "The Rose" (wouldn't that be El Jenai? Whatever), and that Jenai has "more of this (boobs), more of this (muscles), and more of this (ass)!" This intrigues Ramona. Other interesting aspects: found out she was gay at age 10, Mom is happy about that, and she won Miss Cuba 2004. I guess she gave Fidel a boner. Oh and there was literally two sentences Cheryl said in Commentary Style that I have no fucking clue what she said. Translator?

But now is the time we find out the embarrassing secret that Jenai would never admit if she was on this date with Ramona. Jenai is deathly afraid of fish.

I....ugh. I can't even make this joke cause MTV made Ramona say it. You know what joke. I feel offended for even watching it, I'm not saying it. Just so wrong.

We get a lovely story of Jenai, when she was a kid, being chased by someone holding a fish and she was so scared she peed herself. Well, any chances Jenai had of winning went out the window. Thanks Mom! Ramona had enough and decides to take Cheryl back home. When they part ways, Cheryl tells Ramona "Remember, we're all that AND a bag of chips". Oh 1990's humor.

After the break, we meet Jocelyn and her daughter Jamie. We learn Jamie is "in the middle". So she's bi? We find out this isn't true when Jamie says she plays sports and those are the only balls she'll play with. I'm sure.

During the pre-date prep, Jamie tells Jocelyn to say "she has lots of options". If I was Ramona and I heard that, I'd say "Ok, see ya bitch" and leave. But that's me. Ramona breathes on the door, which they hear in the backyard so it's time for the date.

This date we're gonna play soccer! Just in time for the World Cup...to end. Oh well. There wasn't a whole lot during the date, just Ramona kicking balls towards Jocelyn and Jocelyn bouncing balls off her face and other jokes involving balls, including "Enough balls, I thought this was a lesbian date!" Maybe I can write stupid jokes for MTV! "Hey, at least these balls aren't hairy! Like men's balls are! EWW! I like girls."

During the get to know the daughter part, Jocelyn says Jamie looks like Cindy Crawford. Ugh, enough of these Mom's thinking their daughters look like a hot famous people. The daughters are hot, sure, but they don't look anything like the people they say they look like! I'm sure my Mom would say I look like Brad Pitt or Ricardo Montalban or Enrique Iglasis, but doesn't make is so.

For the record, I look like Zac Efron. Even with my shirt off.

We learn Jamie is a mix of different races, in which MTV made Ramona say "I like foreign tongues". Come on! Really? But here's the stupidest thing I ever heard. Ramona asks Jocelyn when she thought Jamie was gay and Jocelyn says before she was born. Jamie was born on the same date as her sister-in-law, who is also gay. So whatever date that is, if you were born on that date, you're gay. Sorry. Probably a good thing they didn't say the date, people would be freaking the fuck out.

I wanna re-instate that part. Jamie is gay because she was born on the same day as a gay person. That doesn't make any fucking sense! I was born the same day as Mark Walhberg, doesn't mean I can rap or have muscles coming out of other muscles! Or a 11 inch dick. Well, maybe I have one of those.

Anyway.

Ramona ends the date and drops Jocelyn off and her final parting words is "We're da bomb!" Geez, I thought I was stuck in the 90's. Back in the house, they're sure they're gonna win and Jocelyn lets off one more "You're da bomb!" before break.

I hate this show.

And we're back! Next up is Mom Dee and daughter Sara. Ok so how do I put this nicely? You know how Ramona earlier said she wants to date a girl? Well, MTV decided to be pricks and pick two girly girls and....Sara. Just...look.

Now, I have no problem with chicks looking like this but if Ramona said she doesn't like that, why even bother? Save Sara for the episode where a girl is like "I like butch chicks with shaves heads and mohawks! ROCK!" Whatever. Let's do this.

Dee has an accent, much like the other two mom's did, so I wonder about that. Is this some agreement to stay in this country? "Pimp your daughter out or back to your third-world country you go!" And the only thing that happened during Sara's intro segment was them running around, screaming.

But Dee did ask a good question. In a lesbian date, who picks up the check? Cause etiquette dictates that the male picks up the check. So during a lesbian date, who does? Let's go to Google and find out!

Ah, so I learn that if it's a butch-femmie date, the butch picks it up. But if it's two butch's or two femmie's, then whoever asked for the date picks it up. Sweet. See, you get a review of a terrible dating show AND dating tips! I'm helpful!

Alright, back to Sara. Sara says the following things, I swear.
"Tell her I got a nice rack."
"I'm not butch."
"I'm flirty"
"I want a girl who's down for a threesome!" (Saying this to HER MOM by the way)
"Go tap that ass!" (Again, to her mom.)

I'm just letting those things speak for themselves. The date Ramona has for Dee (Thank god a simple name I can type) is cooking Indian food. Ok, so to recap, the dates have been Bollywood dancing, soccer, and now cooking Indian food. I get the feeling if there was a fourth date, it'd be maintaining a slushie machine.

During commentary style, Ramona is forced to say "Mom is a cutie, I hope her daughter as a nice booty!" I think Ramona threw up after saying that line when the cameras turned off. During commentary style, Dee says "Ramona likes to cook, Sara likes to eat." Wow, Mom. Just, wow.

So while cooking Indian shrimp (that's gonna smell pleasant), Dee tells Ramona that Sara is scared of clowns, she has a mohawk, and colors her hair depending on her mood. Ramona makes a "mood mohawk" joke. Too bad Ramona's gay, she sounds like my type. Sara also "farts a lot" and "speaks ghetto". Then when Dee tells her Sara has a big rack, Ramona says "That makes Ramona mona".

OUCH! That literally hurt my ears and brain. Ramona, I'm sorry you're going through this. You're almost done.

They finish eating and Dee is dropped off. Dee and Sara think they're gonna win and high five each other. And now it's time to go to my favorite vacation destination: Decision Beach!

What I'm about to say now is easily the most offensive thing they made Ramona say. I'm surprised she didn't quit after reading this line. I would've punched somebody. Here we go.

While waiting for the mom and daughters to show up, Ramona says "Two scissor sisters are about to get cut".

The sad thing is, that took me a minute to get. I was sitting there like "Huh what does......OH FUCK YOU MTV!! FUCK YOU!!!" I had to lay down after hearing that. Let's fucking end this.

One by one the Mom's show up and they each say their witty lines.

Cheryl: Other mom's don't have nothing on this! NOTHING! WHOA!
Jocelyn: Jamie's da bomb and I'm about ready to explode!
Dee: If you pick Sara, you can pull more than her finger!

...the fuck does that mean, Dee?? Sara has a dick?? WHAT??

A great soundbite happens when Ramona goes over the dates with the Moms and while recapping the cooking with Dee, Dee says "Thanks it was yummy!" but the WAY she said it was hilarious. Trust me. Ok, time to cut some...you know what.

Ramona is going to say no Sara cause of the farting and nose picking. Sara comes out, in a black shirt, black pants, and tie, looking like one of my male cousins. Yeah, you're not butch. Ramona says "Dee's son looks cool, but where's her daughter?" Go head on with your bad self, Ramona.

Ramona says no to Janei because of being scared of fish, which everybody finds weird. And not since the first episode I recapped has there ever been such a great reaction. Janei comes out, looking FUCKING hot as fuck and all Ramona did for the next five minutes was:

And while that's happening, Cheryl keeps saying things like "that's right, you dun messed up! You coulda got beauty and brains!" and just keeps yammering on. Ramona! Pick up your jaw! Stop this!!!

So Ramona picks Jamie and she comes out and thankfully she's hot too, so Ramona is happy. I think. I think she had a non-existent boner over Janei but is now trying to hide it or something. Anyway, they hug, they run down the beach, whatever. Then this happens:

Yeah, I'm done. Another episode is in the books. At this rate, I'll have all the episodes I have on this DVD done by 2089. Just in time for "Date My Mom 3.0: The Robot Version". "Hi, I'm Tobar! I like binary, wingnuts, and a good lube job! HOLLA!!"
-Jason

Date My Mom #4

Jeez, it's been awhile since I've done one of these. I have enough excuses as to why but the main one was it never fails to give me a headache. Unless it's the gas leak I have going on in my apartment. Yeah, it's that. Let me try to pound this review out before I faint.

Our dater is Russell, an 18 year old student at UC Bovine. No wait, UC Irvine. He declares himself an "up and coming rapper" but seeing as how this episode was filmed in 2005, he's not up or coming. (That's what she said.) He creepily says "Let's sample some Mom beats", which is a signal he's gonna be making rap puns throughout the episode. Lord where's the aspirin?

Our first victims/contestants are Mom Joyce and daughter Antoinette. During the little intro they gave Mom's age as just "40's". What, suddenly you have shame? You're on fucking "Date My Mom", a crappy MTV reality show and NOW you wanna have some shame? 'fraid the teeny-boppers are gonna see your age and be like "Ew, she's old"? Jeez lady.

And while I'm nitpicking age here, Antoinette is 23. Russell is 18. That's a good sized age gap. Pretty much by the time Antoinette was walking around and using the potty by herself, Russell was just freshly squeezed out. Kinda creepy when you put it that way.

Anyway, Mom and daughter work together in real estate, which seems like a crappy job for a 23 year old to have. Antoinette is a big Bronco's fan cause they originally came from Colorado. And going back to the real estate thing, Antoinette actually says to the camera "Mom knows how to market me!" Mom then says "You're a hot property!"

Creepy real estate puns for the lose! I know I've ranted about these Mom's pimpin' their own daughters on this shitty show but this is pretty low. Treating your own flesh and blood like a piece of property? Jeez. Why not just put on a pimp hat and put her on a corner with a FOR SALE sign around her neck?

During the staged "pre-date" gathering between Mom and daughter, they discuss the normal things not to say like she farts, eats junk food, and probably pees on the rug or something. At some point (I wasn't paying attention, gas leak n all) they mentioned comparing Antoinette to a Chihuahua, but Mom thinks those are cut. OOOH, slam! But this goes over Antoinette's head as Russell arrives. Antoinette's last piece of advice: "Don't flirt too hard!" Jeez, what's wrong with these two?

So Russell's idea of a date is to act out a scene in "Kill Bill". Or any random generic karate movie. They dress up in these robe things and have foam swords. They even do the horrible dubbing effect in kung fu movies. Then it gets even more surreal when Russell shouts out "NINJA'S!" and lo and be-fucking-hold some ninja's appear. I am not shitting you.

They fake fight the ninja's and I start to wonder if the gas smell is taking effect to my brain. But no, this is really happening. Of course Russell and Mom win and they go sit down to talk about Antoinette. Oh but before then, Russell makes this quip: "Ninja, please!" Cause you see...it's like the N-word...but it isn't.

The only weird thing we learn about Antoinette is she got her tongue pierced to stop herself from eating. I don't know who told her that but that's not how it works. Sure you're not able to eat anything for a couple of days afterwards but eventually you can. I'm guessing she hopes to swallow the tongue ring and hope it gets lodged in her stomach so no more food can go down? Sounds stupid enough for her to believe that.

So the date ends and Mom goes back to Antoinette and reports that she told Russell that Antoinette is bossy. Yeah, this Mom did everything in her power to not win this date. Maybe she wasn't ashamed of her age, she just couldn't remember it.

Onto date #2, with our second contestants Mom Val, who's 50 (see, she's OLDER and she's not ashamed of her age) and daughter Rachel, who's 20. Eh, 20's not too bad. Rachel, I think, is hot and my friend Bill would probably want date and/or bone her on the spot. But since we're going by the impression made by Mom...

Man, I'm sure Rachel watched this episode back and immediately moved out and pretended to be an orphan. Her mom is something else. She jumps around, does prat falls, and talks in high pitched "Hello Mrs. Torrence, Danny Isn't Here" voices. I swear I was waiting to hear "redrum" at one point. 

Here is a list of things Rachel does not what Russell to be and/or have, and I hope someone explains what half of this stuff means cause I have no freakin' clue:

No Bros, traveling tattoos, lifted trucks, and Tazmaian Devil tattoos.

I get the Taz thing, and Rachel says that's a sign of a true loser. So anyone reading this with a Taz tat, don't date Rachel. (Seriously, what the fuck is a traveling tattoo?)

Russell arrives and their date consists of, yet again not making this up, making sock puppets. Oh terrific, give Bi-Polar Lady an outlet for the voices in her head. Mom is suppose to make a puppet that represents Rachel and we learn she dyed her hair a billion times every shade of color, and she's got tattoos everywhere. But are any of them traveling tattoos???

Then Russell asks Mom questions about Rachel, which Mom must answer THROUGH THE SOCK PUPPET! This is the creepiest date ever, and there was a date where a big breasted mom had to stuff fake money in her bra. 

So Puppet Rachel listens to punk music, which according to Commentary Russell, means "she's a groupie". No, I don't get how it means that. I think he was being a jerk. Russell swears he "listens to all kinds of music" but "hip hop is in my heart." So he didn't wanna play on the stereotype that all black people, even half-black people, like rap/hip-hop. It's ok, Russ. It's ok. I'm part white and I can't stand rap or hip-hop. See? I'm a stereotype too. NOW WHERE'S MY FUCKIN' BEER???

When asked if Rachel stays in shape, Mom says she rides her bike and the bus. Russell beats me to the joke here, which I gotta say I was impressed they left in. It's like the show is self-aware how lame it is or something. Kinda assuring.

When the date ends, it goes to Commentary Mom, holding the sock puppet and having it look at her and talking in Creepy Killer Voice says "I love you Mommy, you're the best Mom ever!" and gives a serial killer smile. Uh, I hope she don't find this review anytime soon. And hope she don't come to my house at 1245 Robin Hood Lane Apartment 1F Indianapolis, Indiana 46214.

Oh we also learn MTV edited something out, those cheaters! Mom tells Rachel that he asked if they had a free weekend where would they go, which was never shown during the date part. So why leave it in here? I guess to show how cuckoo crazy Mom here is.

Thank God we're on date #3 here. Mom is Carmen, age 46 and Daughter is Jo, age 19. There ya go! That's a big closer. Not that I have anything against people dating people outside their age group but I don't know if a 23 year old, or a 20 year old, is gonna go out with an 18 year old "up and coming rapper", ya dig? (People still say "ya dig" right?)

Blah blah they're into sports, what else is new. Every freakin' girl (besides the "winner" in the first episode I covered) is into sports. We get it, MTV, girls play sports too. Show more overweight loser girls who watch Star Trek all day. That's what I wanna see, dammit!

We find out Jo has a nickname, The Ninja! HEY! There was Ninja's earlier! WOW! It's like it all tied together somehow! Anyway, this date was boring compared to the last two, but it was just as dumb. The date consisted of begging for money at Venice Beach. Wow, some date.

But to get money, they had to rap. Cause Russell is into rap, you see. In case the last 3 millions time it was referenced didn't sink in. After earning 85 cents and some lint, they go sit down and talk. Carmen starts pulling all kinds of crap out of this bag, like some weird award Jo got and she was crowned Princess in a beauty pageant. Not Queen, which Carmen seems a bit better about. Another thing I learned: Volleyball players have nice butts. Ok.

Russell asked Carmen if she knows anything about Jo's sex life. Whoa, a 19 year old girl has a sex life? Doesn't that mean she's a slut? Honestly? And we find out she's got another name, Melissa. So she's Jo "Melissa" Ninja.

Something I had to Google was Carmen said Russell looked like a "young Derek Fisher", a guy I never heard of. Looking at the pics that came up...I guess? Well, this makes Jo "Melissa" happy. She damn near orgasmed right there in the kitchen when Carmen mentioned it. Settle down, ya big slut.

Seriously, you guys, for Spring Break, I'm gonna go to Decision Beach. Maybe spot a filming of an episode and go "WOO!" or something. That'd be awesome. Anyway, that's where we are now and Russell makes twenty thousand more rapping jokes before the Mom's come out one by one.

Joyce says "These mom's are cute, but I'm a Ninja!" No, weren't you paying attention? Jo "The Melissa" Ninja is a Ninja! Try to keep up. But I forget when you're "40's", you tend to lose your hearing.

Val...does something creepy with that damn puppet. You mean Rachel didn't try to burn it yet?

Carmen says something about Joe Mamma but I wasn't paying attention cause I think my water heater exploded. I need to wrap (or RAP? HAHAHAHAHA!! Cause Russell...nevermind) this up.

Russell rejects Antoinette cause of the tongue piercing stupidity and I don't blame him. He then says she's like a Ninja cause if he saw her walking down the street, he wouldn't notice her. AGAIN, there's only ONE Ninja! Jeez, do I need to get all "Highlander" on you guys or what? He then rejects Rachel cause her Mom is too damn creepy. Val calls him shorty, but I rather be short than crazy, so whatever. So he picks Ninja "The Jo" Melissa.

The losers call Russell boring while Russ, Ninja, and Carmen run down the beach, like every other person on this show. I still don't know why. And VAL STILL HAS THAT DAMN PUPPET! Just throw her in the ocean already! Jeez.

Rachel, seriously, if you end up finding this review, email me! For, uh, a friend. Yeah.

Ok, that's it. I swear, we should petition MTV to put this show as a box set DVD. I will buy it, no matter what the cost, and review every single episode. Now if you excuse me, there's a fire in my toilet.

-Jason

Date My Mom #3

Ahhh...December. There's snow on the ground. The temperature is 50 degrees below zero. And Christmas is just around the corner. What could I possibly do to prepare us for such a jolly holiday? Why, how about reviewing one of the skankist TV shows that ever existed? Of course I'm talking about "Date My Mom" the worst show ever from MTV, and that's saying a lot.

I'm sure by now you know the routine, so let's get on with it.

Our dater is Ron, a stand up comedian from L.A of course, cause all these damn dating shows take place in L.A for some God awful reason. And what a fuckin' stand up comedian he is. All of the jokes he makes throughout the episodes are so lame he'd probably be one of the top four on "Last Comic Standing". At least he's not as bad as Jessica Kirson.

So anyway, Ron is all obsessed with big butts and he cannot lie. But he calls 'em "Fetta pieces". This is never explained. He spends the entire episode making lame jokes AND talking in his made up language. After dancing like Michael Jackson, it's time to meet Mom and Daughter #1.

Team #1 is Trinny, the mom, and Alethea, the daughter. You might be having problems pronouncing Alethea's name but it's quite simple. Say "Alicia" but with a lisp. And damn you MTV, you made me watch this AGAIN to verify that neither Mom or "Alicia" say anything about themselves, other then the fact Mom is single and "Alicia" is the oldest daughter.  Oh, but Trinny lovenly tells her own daughter to "Eat a butt! I got this!" Isn't this show's family values just lovely?

The "Pre-date" interview between Mom and Daughter goes on, sounding forced as ever and "Alicia" tells Mom not to tell him about her swearing and her tattoos, but she can tell him about the time "Alicia" got her tongue pierced and Mom didn't know and thought the talking in a lisp sounded normal. It's ok, "Alicia". That's how she came up with your goofy ass name.

Then during the "What's Going On In Their Minds" part, Trinny says "I hope this date is fa-heezy fo-sheezy." I don't know what that means and I'm sure she doesn't either. Then Ron says "I hope this daughter doesn't have a weave otherwise 'weave' got a problem." Excuse me, I'm gonna call my friend Adam and tell him to go kill this Ron G. guy.

Ok, back.

So Ron arrives and after an awkward greeting, he tells Trinny they're gonna do some "Krumping". If you don't know what "krumping" is, then you're white. It was the basis of a movie that came out a few years ago called "Rize", which you probably never saw cause, yet again, you're white. It's basically Breakin': The Next Generation, with people using their whole bodies to dance so you look like you're overdosing on heroin or something.

And Ron and Trinny go out and meet the star of that movie, named Tommy The Clown. I'm guessing you need to see the movie to get why he chose to be a clown, but he started the whole "krumping" movement so kids in South Central L.A have something to do other than shooting each other and getting 11-year-old girls pregnant.

So Tommy The Clown puts face paint on both Ron and Trinny (Cause you can't dance without face paint, DAMMIT!) and they both square off. Ron cheats by stealing some moves by Michael Jackson, then ends it by mimicking hitting a baseball. So now us white folks knows what krumping is. It's Trinny's turn and all she does is do a simple "pump fists from your breast area back and forth" motion. And with this, Tommy the Clown declares her the winner. Of course.

Now it's time to get to know the daughter, even though I can tell you one thing all of these daughters have in common: there are so god damn desperate they're willing to appear on a scripted dating show on MTV. Anyway, Trinny tells Ron all the stuff "Alicia" didn't want him to know (of course she did, it wouldn't be "Date My Mom" if they didn't) like about her tattoos, which is of a dragon running across her chest, and a ram on her back. Ron's brilliant one-liner: "I'll have a ram...a dragon...and a beef n' broccoli please!" I deduce he still lives with his mom because if these are the jokes he makes during his job as a "comedian", he's not getting paid much.

Mom also says that when Ron should think of her daughter, he should think of a scarecrow. I'm guessing cause she doesn't have a brain. She also tells the story about her tongue piercing, which amuses him and of course, she lets slip that "Alicia" has a "truckers mouth".

So now that Mom has ruined all their chances, Ron drops her off, but not before she demonstrates her award winning "krump" moves. Trinny goes inside and explains to her that she told Ron all the stuff he wasn't suppose to hear. Oh and that she doesn't have a dragon on her chest. She never says what the hell it is exactly. I mean what else looks like a dragon? A uni-corn on fire? After awkwardly asking if they "won this" and going "WOO!" it's time for a commercial.

And we're back with Team #2, Eleanor, the mom, and Tracy, the daughter. Thank god her daughter's name is Tracy, doing those "quotes" were getting aggravating. The only thing we learn from these two is Mom is married and Tracy likes to cook. Yum-o! Oh and Mom cannot talk to save her life. I'm going to assume Mom is from another country and learned English like ten years ago. This isn't explained but if I need to keep my sanity intact, I'm gonna go with that. Anyway, Mom barely gets the written line "Ain't nothin' but a chicken wing" out. And yes, she just says it like that for no reason.

During the "pre" interview, Tracy begs Mom to tell Ron she has a big butt. Ah, she must've seen the footage of the previous date or something. But Mom is like "Um, no. You got a flat butt." Gee, thanks Mom. My self esteem is already rock bottom for appearing on this show, now it's literally in Hell after that comment. Expect a suicide note when you get back from this date.

Ron shows up and he takes Eleanor to pottery class. And if you say "Do they make a reference to that scene in 'Ghost'?, well give yourself a cigar! While making clay pots, they talk about Tracy, who Ron is glad to hear that's her name after dealing with Alethea, declaring it a "simple name". Eleanor mentions the no booty thing after Ron explains what a "fetta piece" is, and says that Tracy thinks she has ugly feet, but Eleanor like them. Maybe it's just me, but as a parent shouldn't you like EVERYTHING your kid as?

Eleanor also mentions that Tracy wakes up with "puppy breath" aka Morning breath, like this is some weird thing that only certain people get. I'm sure Eleanor wakes up and her breath smells like Martha Stewart's vagina after a rose bath. Ron, being the "funny" guy that he is, says "I don't care if she has puppy breath, just don't have a doggy face to go with it. ARF!" He actually says "arf" at the end too.

After the date, Mom tells Tracy that she told him about the no butt thing and that her feet may or may not be ugly. Tracy ignores Mom and puts on her My Chemical Romance album and starts carving stuff into her arm. But not before we see her feet. I'm totally NOT a foot person but I don't see anything wrong with them. And of course, despite Eleanor mentioning ALL of this stuff, they still think they're gonna win. If you say so.

After some late-night commercials (I did tape this at 4 in the morning one Saturday/Sunday night), we meet Carnell, the mom and Courtney, the daughter. And holy fuck these two are just SCREAMING everything damn thing! Mom swears Courtney looks like Ashanti, which means Carnell is the polar opposite of Eleanor: she builds up Courtney's self esteem but it may be a tad bit too high. And I hope Carnell never decides to become an actor because she cannot say the words that were written for her.

Trick Question: WHICH IS WHICH?!?!

Case in point, when Ron shows up, they have the flattest conversation I have ever heard.
Ron: Hey. How. Are. You. Doing?
Carnell: Fine. Thanks.

Wow. Call Mr. Pulitzer. And tell him to never ever award the staff of "Date My Mom".

So this date is gonna consist of Ron taking Carnell to where he "works", a comedy club. I imagine if we could find the unaired footage of this episode, we'd see a scene where Ron was begging the manager to let him in and he swears he'll make the crowd laugh tonight. Then probably proceeded to give the manager a blowjob. I should go work for MTV to find this footage.

Anyway, what's gonna happen is Carnell is gonna get a crash course in stand up comedy and do a bit on stage in front of 5 people, which is probably 3 people more then Ron is use to. (Notice I didn't make a joke about how this crash course is probably how Ron got his start. I have more dignity then that.)

So Carnell goes up on stage and....ok yes I have to say it. This is EXACTLY how Ron got his start in "comedy" because her jokes are about as lame as his, maybe even lamer if that's possible. I wrote down two of em.

"You know. All men cheat. I rather have a rich guy cheat on me then a poor guy."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! the crowd actually says.

"Breaking up with a guy is like taking out the garbage. Just tie it up. Drag it outside. Put it on the curb. And wait for someone to pick it up."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!, some lady is crying and another guy throws up cause "this is so funny."

Oh and for some reason, Carnell throws Ron a pair of Courtney's underwear but for the life of me I have no idea why. Oh and if you guessed they played bass to sound just like the opening theme song to "Seinfeld" give yourself another cigar. Or just light yourself on fire. Whichever is easier.

After the stand up, Carnell and Ron have a talk. The only two things you need to know from this encounter is Ron, on top of him being obsessed with big butts, also likes ankles. And that Courtney likes to walk around the house naked. A lot. Thanks, Mom, for telling a total stranger this interesting fact about your own fuckin' daughter! Ugh.

I don't wanna think about this anymore. Just know that Carnell told Courtney she gave Ron his underwear (which he used like floss....god I hate this show) and that she more or less ho'd her own daughter out.

Finally, we come to THE DECISION! And it's on Date My Mom Public Beach as usual. By now I'm just sick with Ron, with his obsession with big asses, and these people who are willing to pimp their daughters out. This is a horrible show. HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!!!

One by one, each Mom comes out and of course they gotta say one final thing that makes my head explode.

Trinny: "I bet the other Mom's can't krump like I can" and she proceeds to do her lame ass move again.

Eleanor: "I finally figured out what a fetta piece is. Pick Tracy you not disappointed." No, I didn't do a typo there, she ACTUALLY said this. And of course you know what it is, Ron explained it to you on your date!

Carnell...just....God. Why?

"Pick my daughter and she'll walk around naked for you."

WHAT. THE. FUCK! WHY would you say that ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER to a guy YOU DON'T KNOW?! I swear this is the sleaziest show ever in existence. Even that show that was on Fox back in the '90's "Studs" never went that low. God I feel sick now. Let's fuckin' get this over with.

Ron doesn't pick "Alicia" because she has a goofy ass name and he doesn't wanna hear her swear. If those are his only two complaints, he should be so lucky he got three girls FIGHTING for him to begin with. Alethea comes out and Ron says "Looks like someone krumped her in the face" which made me laugh, which is either a sign he can be funny at time or I'm losing my mind from watching this.

Ron doesn't pick Courtney because of a thing Carnell said about ponytails and how Courtney likes 'em on guys or something. Why that's so fuckin' important is beyond me, but whatever. Courtney comes out and Ron says "Yeah she looks like Ashanti....'s brother."

So Ron picks Tracy, despite having "puppy breath". When she gets out of the car he literally does the dance of joy and probably immediately gets a boner. I'm honestly surprised he didn't pick Courtney judging on how easily Carnell was willing to pimp her out.

Ron, Tracy, and Eleanor does the running on the beach thing that I never understand and it goes to the post-rejection interview and when it gets to Carnell she says "Yeah....Tracy is cute." WHOA! Looks like Carnell found another girl to pimp out. Watch your back, Courtney.

So with that all said and done, I now see why wait so long to do another episode. Just the fact they exist is enough to prove that God doesn't. And, much like every bad movie ever made, I'm surprised that this show could go through so many people without one of them going "Hold up. What the fuck are we doing? Let's just burn this footage and retire now." But no, here it is, on my TV set. And there is no sign of this show ever ending.

God help us all.
-Jason

Date My Mom #2

(Note: This is the second review I wrote on a particular episode of "Date My Mom".)

Well, here we are. Another episode of "Date My Mom".

After writing that last review, I realized I kinda screwed myself. I probably shouldn't have started with such a glorious episode such as that cause now I have no where else to go but down. Well, all these episodes aren't really "up" (unless you mean "up chuck"), but that episode had such a great ending that I didn't know where to go from there.

So I watched the DVD my friend Bobbie lovingly made for me (I regret offering my soul and first child) and decided to just review a simple cringe worthy, corny episode. The ending doesn't have a big pay off, but there is so much pain scattered through the episode that I have no doubt that Satan himself ghost wrote this episode.

Our "dater" is Mark, a 20 something guy who is a self proclaimed "white guy break dancer". After viewing his moves, I doubt he'll be asked to join the cast of "Rize 2: Electric Boogaloo" anytime soon. He says he don't like girls who talk to their psychics. Then he changes it to "sidekicks". Neither make sense to me, what's wrong with having a comic relief buddy while you fight crime? It worked for "Judge Dredd", "Demolition Man", and some other Sly Stallone movie that I can't think of right now.

Anyway, he tells us for some dumbass reason that he just got a haircut and he's ready to start this god awful episode. To counteract this, I decided NOT to get a haircut. HA! Take that 20 something white guy...in California...dating three hot chicks...yeah.
We then meet tag team #1: Terry the mom and Chelsea the daughter. Terry tells the camera guy that Chelsea is a real "guy girl". Really? How much was the operation? Apparently it was enough cause during the fake couch talk, Terry tells Chelsea that she's gonna tell Mark she looks like Britney Spears. I'm guessing the pre-K.Fed days. Mark arrives and after the fake banter in front of the house (Seriously, what stops the daughters from looking out the window? Do the producers have her tied up in the basement with a gun while this exchange is going on?), Mark shows us he's the romantic type by taking Terry to...a farm. In the on-camera commentary, Terry asks "do they serve martini's here?" Yeah, cause James Bond owns this farm. Lush.

Well, ok, that's not too bad. Women find animals attractive and stuff. Too bad they'll be actually WORKING on the farm, which includes picking up shit. And I know it's shit cause both Terry and Mark say "shit" roughly 900 times. There was so much beeping from the censoring that I thought a garbage truck was going to back up into my house.

During the romantic roll in the shit filled hay, Terry tells Mark that Chelsea likes sports. Thankfully he does too. Let me tell you, my girlfriend loves football whereas I don't (I know, no way, right?), so when my girlfriend goes on and on about Walter Payton Manning Troy whatever I'm like "Uh..ok" and go back to talking about Gay Niggers from Outer Space.

Mark actually has the gall to ask if Chelsea would have a threesome. That's pretty bold. I don't think I could ever ask ANY girls mom if her daughter would have a threesome. Hm. Let me call all my ex-girlfriend's moms, and my present girlfriend's mom, and ask.

Ok, I have to leave the country. But before I do, I'll finish this review.

The disturbing level kicks in when Terry admits that both her AND Chelsea dated the same guy before. Mark asks if they both had sex with this lucky (or perverted, depends on the situation I guess) fellow and Terry says she did but Chelsea didn't cause she was grossed out. I dunno...eh I better leave that alone.

After Terry gropes Mark's ass for a long, long time, they end the date. Another reference to dating the same guy before going into the house and the date is over. Terry tells Chelsea that the date consisted of cleaning up shit and being around "skanky animals". I went back to see what the hell she was talking about and I did notice a goat with a halter top, low rise jeans, and heels, smoking a cigarette and telling Mark "Meeeeeee so horny".

After a batch of annoying MTV commercials for ringtones and the 9th spin off of Laguna Beach, we return to meet Hope and her daughter Nico. Before knowing anything about Nico, I kinda liked her and found her attractive. And her mom wasn't too bad either. So this was the "team" I was pulling for. Unfortunately there is a underlying secret so twisted that it questions my judgement when it comes to girls.
During the introduction, Hope says Nico has the "tensity of a pitbull", in which Nico looks confused and goes "ruff?". Yeah, that's real tensity there, boy. Nico admits the oldest guy she'd date would be 34. I dunno about you but that's a random age. So if a guy was 35 she'd be all like "EWW NO!!! You were born in 1971!! That's too long!!" and vomit on him? Weird.

After Hope says she's gonna rape Mark with her wit...no wait. Rapier wit. I dunno what that means, so I'm gonna with raping Mark with her wit, we get more forced conversation on the couch. And we find out Nico's deep dark secret.

I'm sad to report that Nico...IS A TREKKIE!! AHHH!!! I found a Trekkie attractive!! Why God why??? I mean...Trekkie females aren't suppose to be hot...well kinda hot? They're suppose to be short, ugly, with acne and bad haircuts and with glasses that'd make my grandmother go "I'd never wear those in a million years." ARRGH!!!

Um. No offense to any female Trekkies that may read this. Ahem.

Anyway, when Mark meets Hope, Mark tells us in his commentary "She's a natural beauty. I hope she shaves her pits". I have no idea what the fuck that means or where it came from. Mark's big idea of a date: put Hope in a clear booth and have money fly up and she has 30 seconds to get as much money as possible.

It seems to me that every single episode of this damn show features a super busty mom and the dater guy is more or less leering at them and coming up with excuses to get more than an eyeful. I'm not complaining, just something I noticed. Anyway, this money thing is really just a piss-poor excuse to get Hope to shove SOMETHING down her low-cut shirt, with Mark just standing there desperately trying not to wack-off right then and there.

After the 30 seconds, Hope is full of fake money and they go off to count it. Catering to all the sexual predators in the audience, Mark just shoves his hands up Hope's shirt grabbing "money" and maybe "accidently" grabbing more. You probably think I'm joking about this. Well I'm not. What are you gonna do? Sit through this episode and prove me wrong? Go ahead. We'll see who the real fool is!

Turns out there are questions printed on each one of the bills. Really? Who the fuck has THAT kind of time? (Says the guy reviewing episodes of Date My Mom) The questions are your standard getting to know you questions but some interesting ones that I'll point out are these two:

"What are some nicknames Nico has?"
"Stubby and Lieutenant".

Uh-huh.

Then:
"Describe Nico's breasts...in haiku!"
"Nico's chest is so fine
It's just as lovely as mine
They get in the way of her wine"

I officially hate haiku's now. And wine. And somehow Nico's chest. Maybe I don't want them to win after all.

Before I can put a bullet in my brain, the date ends. They tempt my suicide by having Hope say "Be sure to put your 'money' on Nico." ARRGH!!! I'm crying here. Seriously. I'm crying.

Thank god for commercials. More Laguna Beach, Real World 2 Million which is filmed on Mars, and a hyperactive ad for some drug not approved by the FDA. I need to meet some nice calm people who are possibly stupid.
Also, Thank God there's Lisa and her daughter Joy. Lisa is 50 but she looks like she's maybe 20. Either she took damn good care of herself or she got lots of work done. I'm in a cynical mood so let's go with the work done option. Apparently Joy is 1 of NINE kids. Yeah, definitely got work done. Joy says she loves "surfers and computer nerds".

...wait. Computer nerds??? I'm kinda in that category!! I'm on the computer a lot!!! Ok, I got a new favorite!! Go Joy!!!

When Mark arrives "interrupting" the fake "patio chat", Joy exclaims "HOLY MATRIMONY!" I guess the writer for this show use to work for Batman or something. Who the fuck says Holy Matrimony? And what does that mean? She's gonna marry Mark if he picks her? Maybe this is just some ruse to trap men. After marrying them and killing them, both mother and daughter go on another God awful dating show and do it again. They call them "The Douchebag Killers!"

Mark's date consists of a personal fantasy for him: being lost on a deserted island with a hot chick. Unfortunately I've seen "Swept Away" and I know this fantasy is a terrible idea. This date is pretty mundane. Mark makes Lisa wear a fake coconut bra and grass skirt. He asks Lisa if she ever had crabs and she says yes. Then it turns out he was talking about the animal, not the stuff I'm sure she does have growing down there.

Then I kinda was amazed by something. There was actually a genuinely funny moment here. Mark asked Lisa what her daughter's name was and she goes "Joy Noelle" which is French for "Merry Christmas" cause she was born some days before Christmas. Mark asks if they're French and she goes "Nope." Then in commentary style Mark goes "Good thing she wasn't born on Yom Kippur".

I know it's lame, but in a show like this, you find humor in anything. And maybe my brain was leaking at this point.

So they're about to eat the crabs when Lisa is grossed out by the whole idea of cooking live crabs so she grabs them and throws them in the ocean. Yeah, I'm sure crabs are gonna survive long in the Pacific Ocean near California. It'd be more humane to just eat them. Lisa offers Mark "fish tacos" which sounds so fuckin' gross I rather not think about it.

This otherwise boring date ends and after some fake "how did the date go" stuff where Lisa admits to Joy she has crabs, it's decision time! Yay!!!!

On the cheap ass public beach, Mark is wearing a suit and says for no damn reason "This is gonna be off the hook! I can't wait to get that sweet sweet nectar". I don't know what THAT means either. Everything this guy says is like some secret code for spies or something.

Terry comes up and says "The other Mom's have nothing on this cause Mark is ours!"

Hope comes up and says "In order to live long and prosper, you must pick Nico." I think talk like that is gonna discourage him.

Lisa comes up and cause the writers didn't have anything left for her, she simply says "I was nervous before. Now I'm really, REALLY nervous."

Mark sums up the dates he had with all three moms and Terry is pissed that she was shoveling shit while the other Mom's dates were much, much better. When Mark got to Hope, he goes "I'll take you on a game show any day" in which Hope replies "I'll take you to the BONUS ROUND!" Grr, make it stop!

Now comes the super awkward part. Mark has to tell two mom's that their daughters are either ugly or just have horrible personalities, or they're horrible moms for not being able to sell their daughter right.

Mark rejects Terry and Chelsea first cause they dated the same guy, which is disturbing to him. When Chelsea walks out, Mark immediately regrets this. This is kinda like the last episode I reviewed but the ending actually works out for Mark cause the two remaining girls aren't ugly hose beasts.

Then he tells Hope that Trekkies don't turn him on and when Nico comes out, Mark goes "Looks like someone is going to the Star Trek convention...HAN SOLO!" I would point out why that joke is lame on so many levels but I wanna stop thinking about this episode (and this show) already so I'm just gonna leave that be. Oh and Hope told Mark "Screw you Buddy!" I guess she's Canadian.

Mark picks Joy because, um, well. I don't know. I honestly think he liked Lisa and thought if he picked Joy, he'd get in that way. I mean the lady has 9 kids and crabs, who wouldn't hit that? Mark is happy with his choice by acting all Tom Cruise on us (in the commentary part only, when Joy came out, he gave this generic stoic smile that says "Oh how nice.") and the two losing daughters MUST stand there awkwardly watching Mark and Joy make out. IN YOUR FACE you Trekkie and...girl who shares men with her mom!

After running down the beach, Chelsea asks Nico what she thought of Mark. Nico makes a Star Trek reference that I kinda get but I couldn't help but notice how Chelsea was standing way over Nico. Either Chelsea is 9 feet tall or Nico is 2 feet tall.

And with that this episode comes to a close. I celebrate by popping open several beers to wash away the memory of this episode. But before I get drunk off my ass, let me wish each and every one of you a Happy Valentines Day. I hope it's Trekkie and Crab free.
-Jason