Santa's Slay

For Christmas '06 I was gonna review the wonderful and just plain awesome movie "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2". But I hit a snag. Netflix doesn't seem to have it. So I said "Well, ok then. I'll just go to the video store and get it." So off I went to my local video store. And there I find disappointment for they don't have it either. I was like "FUCK!", which wasn't heard by anyone because a bunch of 4-year-olds kept pushing the damn "Happy Feet" display button that featured a song sung by a retarded Sean Paul.

With no movie at the store, I didn't know what else to do. I fell to my knees in that video store 8 days before Christmas asking God, Jesus, and Santa (The Holy Trinity) for guidance. I prayed for them to lead me the way to a movie that I could review for this holiday season, a movie that would bring joy and laughter to my readers, a movie that wouldn't cause me to lose my mind.

Before the video store clerk could ask me if I was alright, a light shone from outside and I followed that light to the "Action" section (Why the fuck did Blockbuster get rid of their "horror" section and group them in with Action? Makes no sense) and there, light up like the proverbial Christmas tree was..."Santa's Slay"

"Of course!", I shouted as I threw up the sash. The video store clerk wasn't too please with that. "I remember seeing this on the New Release section last year! This will be a perfect movie to review!" And before the video store clerk can call the police, I grabbed the movie, ran to the counter, and paid for my purchase. As I left the store that wonderful evening 8 days away from Christmas, I said "Merry Christmas to all! And to all a good night!" in which I got as a reply, "DON'T EVER COME IN HERE AGAIN OR I'LL ARREST YOU!"

Oh, the holiday season brings the best out of all of us.

This lovely movie starts with a family sitting down one Christmas Eve getting ready to have some dinner. And...hey! That's Rebecca Gayheart! She plays the wife of...Chris Kattan?!? The hell?? Hey! Whoever the mom is, she has nice tits and...WHAT THE FUCK?! Is that Fran Drescher ?!? Do I have the right movie? Did I pick up "Holiday Christmas of the Stars" or something? Well, I'm sure the dad is going to be a no-name nobody and...JAMES CAAN?!?!? James Caan is going to appear on MY SITE?! WOW!!

All strange celebrity cameos aside, we get a taste of what it would be like if these people were related in real life. Chris Kattan flirts with Fran while James Caan calls him a "half-fag". Before James can stab the shit out of Chris, Rebecca starts things off with a prayer. During the prayer, they get a visitor. Through the chimney. Hey! It's Ol' Saint Nick! And he...just totally kicked a dog through a window! Then he sets Fran's hair on fire, crushes Chris, stab James with a carving set, and throws ornaments at Rebecca and her two unknown sisters...I guess. This pretty much sets the mood for the entire plot of the movie, which is: Santa goes insane and kills everyone! My kind of movie.

After the credits which kinda illustrate the plot, we meet Nicky and Mary (Hey! She's being played by Claire from "Lost"! What a strange cast) working at Mr. Green's deli. He's a deli owner so of course he's Jewish. There's a cranky old lady ordering a sandwich and she uses the word "fuck" more times than I do during a review. When the shop closes, Mr. Green gives out presents and Nicky gets a clock that tells him what time it is anywhere in the world. Throughout the movie we keep getting weird feelings that every single thing shown in this movie is gonna be important later on. As it turns out, we're wrong. I guess we suck.

While the cranky old bitch is driving, Santa and his sleigh pulled by a big ass buffalo tries to get around her. He gets aggravated at her driving and bumps into her, causing her to suddenly go flying off the highway and explode. Ooohh!! AHHH!!! WOW!!

Nicky gets a ride home from Mary, which gives him an opportunity to lament that he hates Christmas cause he never gets all the stuff he asks for. He arrives home and we get a 5 minute scene of him trying to get in cause there's 400 locks on the door, plus a burglar alarm. Nicky lives with his super crazy Grandpa who has a bomb shelter in his basement and invents things like a chestnut-firing Nutcracker.

Mary comes over and gives Nicky a Transformer that turns into a gun...except I don't remember them ever doing that. RIP OFF RIP OFF!! This too seems important but it isn't. They fight about something that I don't remember because, yet again, it wasn't important and Mary storms off.

Before going to bed, Nicky finds this book that belongs to Grandpa called "The Book of Klaus" and it tells the real story of Santa Claus. You need to sit back and relax while I tell you this story cause it's a doozy.

Oh and while this tale is being unfolded, we go into "Rakin & Bass" land. Ok so here we go.

There were two "immaculate conceptions" one we all know about, Jesus Christ. The other one was Satan's son, named "Klaus". I guess Satan is German? Anyway, as you probably guessed, Satan's son is a major prick and every year he goes around on one day and kills as many people as he can. One of these days, an angel comes to Earth disguised as an old man and makes a bet with Klaus: they're both gonna throw rocks towards a hole in the ice and whoever can get close to the hole without the rock going in, wins the bet. If the Angel wins, Klaus has to stop killing people every year and instead bring joy and presents and all that good shit. If Klaus wins then he can continue killing people. And it turns out this is how curling got its start. Yes. CURLING!

So Klaus throws first and it lands right at the edge. The angel throws his and it causes Klaus' rock to fall into the hole...which means he loses somehow. I would call a do-over but the angel disappears and Klaus becomes Santa (You know anagram, Satan, Santa...yeah) and Santa can only be nice for 1000 years, then he can kill again. So this means, yes, the 1000 years is up! I guess the angel didn't think he would last 1000 years or something.

Nicky stops reading the story and goes to sleep. Meanwhile, Santa visits a strip club where the town preacher is at. We get multiple boobie shots while Santa kills all the guys in the place, then he eventually burns the place down to the ground, killing all the strippers with unique names like Kandy Kane.

The next day, Christmas Day, Santa pays Mr. Green a visit and stabs him with a menorah. I guess it wasn't Mr. Green in the deli with the menorah. Nicky hears about it on a police scanner and runs over when the cops show up. The cops take Nicky in for questioning and he's interrogated by Captain Caulk. Sounds like a gay porn actor. Anyway, Nicky tells Caulk about how Santa is the one going around killing people and stuff but Caulk won't hear it and tells Nicky to go home before he has him committed.

Mary picks him up which is confusing cause I thought they were fighting. When Nicky leaves, Santa arrives and kills Caulk and the other 3 policemen in this town (Which is called Hell. Dunno if it's the one in Michigan or what.) Then he follows Nicky and Mary. He jumps on Mary's truck, but Nicky shoots him down in a scene that totally rips off "Terminator 2".

They rush back to Nicky's place to get Grandpa's help and they lock themselves in the bomb shelter. Some carolers arrive and while Mary tells them to get the fuck out of there, Santa arrives and kills them (the carolers). Grandpa rushes everyone out through a secret passage way and they arrive in the garage where some snowmobiles are waiting. There isn't THAT much snow on the ground but I guess we needed a cool snowmobile chase scene. Mary has a hard time starting hers up and while waiting for her dumbass, Santa arrives and faces off with Grandpa. While chatting it up, the buffalo comes from behind and runs over him. Insert "Grandpa Got Runned Over By A Reindeer...Except It's A Buffalo But Whatever!" joke here. Mary FINALLY gets on Nicky's snowmobile and they take off.

A cool chase scene happens with Santa flying over head and throwing bombs guised like wrapped presents at Nicky and Mary and they go driving throughout town. They go through the main part of town where the Preacher is trying to lead the "skanks" (His words) in a song of "Jingle Bells". Santa comes through and causes all kinds of unspeakable terror. What kind of terror exactly? Well it's unspeakable! Anyway, Santa snags the Preacher and they fly off.

Nicky and Mary stop at a high school and while sneaking in, Nicky grabs Claire’s...I mean Mary's boobs. Damn!! Charlie's gonna be pissed! Anyway, they run around the school while a disrobed Santa (we had to see Goldberg's muscles at some point in the movie) chases them.

They eventually end up at a hockey rink where Santa goes to crush them with a Zamboni machine. Before doing so, one of those Curling ball-slider-thingys stop it and guess who appears? The angel that made the bet with Santa! And guess who the angel is?! I'm sure it's no surprise by now but it's Grandpa!!

Grandpa Angel makes the same bet with Santa, this time if the Angel wins, Santa stays good FOR EVER! NOW he thinks of this. Santa says if (when) he wins, the Angel is going to hell! So a hole opens up that leads to Hell (the real Hell) and they...god I can't believe I'm typing this...

Santa and an Angel Grandpa play Curling. I swear people who make these kinds of movies are escaped mental patients. Anyway, Grandpa Angel goes first and his curling thingy is at the edge of the hole. Santa goes next and instead of throwing the curling thingy, he just throws Grandpa, who falls down the hole.

Nicky and Mary rush over to save him since he didn't fall all the way down and while do so Santa escapes. He puts the Preacher in the sleigh and sends it up. This sets up the next scene. For some weird ass reason, Grandpa Angel can't leave the school (never explained), so Nicky and Mary run to where a group of smoking skeet shooters are. Nicky tells them that they need to shoot at a flying buffalo coming towards them. There's a anti-smoking joke here with an Indian dude with a voice box but I didn't get the need to place it in the movie, so I won't mention it again.

The sleigh heads towards them and they all shoot at it but nothing doing. Soon a loud BOOM! is heard and they all turn around and there is Mary's father, whom we never met before, holding a bazooka. It starts raining reindeer buffalo guts. And they find the preacher dead on a flagpole. The idiots in this town think the guy going around killing everyone was the Preacher, so they go "Case closed!" and go get drunk. But Nicky and Mary know better and I guess they decide to wait until the real Santa strikes again.

Speaking of, Santa is at an airport trying to fly back to the North Pole. I dunno what this means, he knows he lost the bet and has to be good forever or he's just waiting until next year, or what? Never explained cause the movie ends. Throughout the credits, they do something "funny and clever" (note the quotes). Next to each name in the credits, they list who was naughty and who was nice. This is possibly all just some inside joke or it tells us who were total bitches on the set or something. But it all just seemed random to me.

I asked for a Christmas miracle and I guess I got one. This movie isn't too bad. It's quite funny and it sure as hell doesn't take itself seriously. I still wanted to review "Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2", but this will do just fine. Merry Christmas everybody!


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