Date My Mom #4

Jeez, it's been awhile since I've done one of these. I have enough excuses as to why but the main one was it never fails to give me a headache. Unless it's the gas leak I have going on in my apartment. Yeah, it's that. Let me try to pound this review out before I faint.

Our dater is Russell, an 18 year old student at UC Bovine. No wait, UC Irvine. He declares himself an "up and coming rapper" but seeing as how this episode was filmed in 2005, he's not up or coming. (That's what she said.) He creepily says "Let's sample some Mom beats", which is a signal he's gonna be making rap puns throughout the episode. Lord where's the aspirin?

Our first victims/contestants are Mom Joyce and daughter Antoinette. During the little intro they gave Mom's age as just "40's". What, suddenly you have shame? You're on fucking "Date My Mom", a crappy MTV reality show and NOW you wanna have some shame? 'fraid the teeny-boppers are gonna see your age and be like "Ew, she's old"? Jeez lady.

And while I'm nitpicking age here, Antoinette is 23. Russell is 18. That's a good sized age gap. Pretty much by the time Antoinette was walking around and using the potty by herself, Russell was just freshly squeezed out. Kinda creepy when you put it that way.

Anyway, Mom and daughter work together in real estate, which seems like a crappy job for a 23 year old to have. Antoinette is a big Bronco's fan cause they originally came from Colorado. And going back to the real estate thing, Antoinette actually says to the camera "Mom knows how to market me!" Mom then says "You're a hot property!"

Creepy real estate puns for the lose! I know I've ranted about these Mom's pimpin' their own daughters on this shitty show but this is pretty low. Treating your own flesh and blood like a piece of property? Jeez. Why not just put on a pimp hat and put her on a corner with a FOR SALE sign around her neck?

During the staged "pre-date" gathering between Mom and daughter, they discuss the normal things not to say like she farts, eats junk food, and probably pees on the rug or something. At some point (I wasn't paying attention, gas leak n all) they mentioned comparing Antoinette to a Chihuahua, but Mom thinks those are cut. OOOH, slam! But this goes over Antoinette's head as Russell arrives. Antoinette's last piece of advice: "Don't flirt too hard!" Jeez, what's wrong with these two?

So Russell's idea of a date is to act out a scene in "Kill Bill". Or any random generic karate movie. They dress up in these robe things and have foam swords. They even do the horrible dubbing effect in kung fu movies. Then it gets even more surreal when Russell shouts out "NINJA'S!" and lo and be-fucking-hold some ninja's appear. I am not shitting you.

They fake fight the ninja's and I start to wonder if the gas smell is taking effect to my brain. But no, this is really happening. Of course Russell and Mom win and they go sit down to talk about Antoinette. Oh but before then, Russell makes this quip: "Ninja, please!" Cause you see...it's like the N-word...but it isn't.

The only weird thing we learn about Antoinette is she got her tongue pierced to stop herself from eating. I don't know who told her that but that's not how it works. Sure you're not able to eat anything for a couple of days afterwards but eventually you can. I'm guessing she hopes to swallow the tongue ring and hope it gets lodged in her stomach so no more food can go down? Sounds stupid enough for her to believe that.

So the date ends and Mom goes back to Antoinette and reports that she told Russell that Antoinette is bossy. Yeah, this Mom did everything in her power to not win this date. Maybe she wasn't ashamed of her age, she just couldn't remember it.

Onto date #2, with our second contestants Mom Val, who's 50 (see, she's OLDER and she's not ashamed of her age) and daughter Rachel, who's 20. Eh, 20's not too bad. Rachel, I think, is hot and my friend Bill would probably want date and/or bone her on the spot. But since we're going by the impression made by Mom...

Man, I'm sure Rachel watched this episode back and immediately moved out and pretended to be an orphan. Her mom is something else. She jumps around, does prat falls, and talks in high pitched "Hello Mrs. Torrence, Danny Isn't Here" voices. I swear I was waiting to hear "redrum" at one point. 

Here is a list of things Rachel does not what Russell to be and/or have, and I hope someone explains what half of this stuff means cause I have no freakin' clue:

No Bros, traveling tattoos, lifted trucks, and Tazmaian Devil tattoos.

I get the Taz thing, and Rachel says that's a sign of a true loser. So anyone reading this with a Taz tat, don't date Rachel. (Seriously, what the fuck is a traveling tattoo?)

Russell arrives and their date consists of, yet again not making this up, making sock puppets. Oh terrific, give Bi-Polar Lady an outlet for the voices in her head. Mom is suppose to make a puppet that represents Rachel and we learn she dyed her hair a billion times every shade of color, and she's got tattoos everywhere. But are any of them traveling tattoos???

Then Russell asks Mom questions about Rachel, which Mom must answer THROUGH THE SOCK PUPPET! This is the creepiest date ever, and there was a date where a big breasted mom had to stuff fake money in her bra. 

So Puppet Rachel listens to punk music, which according to Commentary Russell, means "she's a groupie". No, I don't get how it means that. I think he was being a jerk. Russell swears he "listens to all kinds of music" but "hip hop is in my heart." So he didn't wanna play on the stereotype that all black people, even half-black people, like rap/hip-hop. It's ok, Russ. It's ok. I'm part white and I can't stand rap or hip-hop. See? I'm a stereotype too. NOW WHERE'S MY FUCKIN' BEER???

When asked if Rachel stays in shape, Mom says she rides her bike and the bus. Russell beats me to the joke here, which I gotta say I was impressed they left in. It's like the show is self-aware how lame it is or something. Kinda assuring.

When the date ends, it goes to Commentary Mom, holding the sock puppet and having it look at her and talking in Creepy Killer Voice says "I love you Mommy, you're the best Mom ever!" and gives a serial killer smile. Uh, I hope she don't find this review anytime soon. And hope she don't come to my house at 1245 Robin Hood Lane Apartment 1F Indianapolis, Indiana 46214.

Oh we also learn MTV edited something out, those cheaters! Mom tells Rachel that he asked if they had a free weekend where would they go, which was never shown during the date part. So why leave it in here? I guess to show how cuckoo crazy Mom here is.

Thank God we're on date #3 here. Mom is Carmen, age 46 and Daughter is Jo, age 19. There ya go! That's a big closer. Not that I have anything against people dating people outside their age group but I don't know if a 23 year old, or a 20 year old, is gonna go out with an 18 year old "up and coming rapper", ya dig? (People still say "ya dig" right?)

Blah blah they're into sports, what else is new. Every freakin' girl (besides the "winner" in the first episode I covered) is into sports. We get it, MTV, girls play sports too. Show more overweight loser girls who watch Star Trek all day. That's what I wanna see, dammit!

We find out Jo has a nickname, The Ninja! HEY! There was Ninja's earlier! WOW! It's like it all tied together somehow! Anyway, this date was boring compared to the last two, but it was just as dumb. The date consisted of begging for money at Venice Beach. Wow, some date.

But to get money, they had to rap. Cause Russell is into rap, you see. In case the last 3 millions time it was referenced didn't sink in. After earning 85 cents and some lint, they go sit down and talk. Carmen starts pulling all kinds of crap out of this bag, like some weird award Jo got and she was crowned Princess in a beauty pageant. Not Queen, which Carmen seems a bit better about. Another thing I learned: Volleyball players have nice butts. Ok.

Russell asked Carmen if she knows anything about Jo's sex life. Whoa, a 19 year old girl has a sex life? Doesn't that mean she's a slut? Honestly? And we find out she's got another name, Melissa. So she's Jo "Melissa" Ninja.

Something I had to Google was Carmen said Russell looked like a "young Derek Fisher", a guy I never heard of. Looking at the pics that came up...I guess? Well, this makes Jo "Melissa" happy. She damn near orgasmed right there in the kitchen when Carmen mentioned it. Settle down, ya big slut.

Seriously, you guys, for Spring Break, I'm gonna go to Decision Beach. Maybe spot a filming of an episode and go "WOO!" or something. That'd be awesome. Anyway, that's where we are now and Russell makes twenty thousand more rapping jokes before the Mom's come out one by one.

Joyce says "These mom's are cute, but I'm a Ninja!" No, weren't you paying attention? Jo "The Melissa" Ninja is a Ninja! Try to keep up. But I forget when you're "40's", you tend to lose your hearing.

Val...does something creepy with that damn puppet. You mean Rachel didn't try to burn it yet?

Carmen says something about Joe Mamma but I wasn't paying attention cause I think my water heater exploded. I need to wrap (or RAP? HAHAHAHAHA!! Cause Russell...nevermind) this up.

Russell rejects Antoinette cause of the tongue piercing stupidity and I don't blame him. He then says she's like a Ninja cause if he saw her walking down the street, he wouldn't notice her. AGAIN, there's only ONE Ninja! Jeez, do I need to get all "Highlander" on you guys or what? He then rejects Rachel cause her Mom is too damn creepy. Val calls him shorty, but I rather be short than crazy, so whatever. So he picks Ninja "The Jo" Melissa.

The losers call Russell boring while Russ, Ninja, and Carmen run down the beach, like every other person on this show. I still don't know why. And VAL STILL HAS THAT DAMN PUPPET! Just throw her in the ocean already! Jeez.

Rachel, seriously, if you end up finding this review, email me! For, uh, a friend. Yeah.

Ok, that's it. I swear, we should petition MTV to put this show as a box set DVD. I will buy it, no matter what the cost, and review every single episode. Now if you excuse me, there's a fire in my toilet.

-Jason