Well, here we are. Another episode of "Date My Mom".
After writing that last review, I realized I kinda screwed myself. I probably shouldn't have started with such a glorious episode such as that cause now I have no where else to go but down. Well, all these episodes aren't really "up" (unless you mean "up chuck"), but that episode had such a great ending that I didn't know where to go from there.
So I watched the DVD my friend Bobbie lovingly made for me (I regret offering my soul and first child) and decided to just review a simple cringe worthy, corny episode. The ending doesn't have a big pay off, but there is so much pain scattered through the episode that I have no doubt that Satan himself ghost wrote this episode.
Our "dater" is Mark, a 20 something guy who is a self proclaimed "white guy break dancer". After viewing his moves, I doubt he'll be asked to join the cast of "Rize 2: Electric Boogaloo" anytime soon. He says he don't like girls who talk to their psychics. Then he changes it to "sidekicks". Neither make sense to me, what's wrong with having a comic relief buddy while you fight crime? It worked for "Judge Dredd", "Demolition Man", and some other Sly Stallone movie that I can't think of right now.
Anyway, he tells us for some dumbass reason that he just got a haircut and he's ready to start this god awful episode. To counteract this, I decided NOT to get a haircut. HA! Take that 20 something white guy...in California...dating three hot chicks...yeah.
We then meet tag team #1: Terry the mom and Chelsea the daughter. Terry tells the camera guy that Chelsea is a real "guy girl". Really? How much was the operation? Apparently it was enough cause during the fake couch talk, Terry tells Chelsea that she's gonna tell Mark she looks like Britney Spears. I'm guessing the pre-K.Fed days. Mark arrives and after the fake banter in front of the house (Seriously, what stops the daughters from looking out the window? Do the producers have her tied up in the basement with a gun while this exchange is going on?), Mark shows us he's the romantic type by taking Terry to...a farm. In the on-camera commentary, Terry asks "do they serve martini's here?" Yeah, cause James Bond owns this farm. Lush.
Well, ok, that's not too bad. Women find animals attractive and stuff. Too bad they'll be actually WORKING on the farm, which includes picking up shit. And I know it's shit cause both Terry and Mark say "shit" roughly 900 times. There was so much beeping from the censoring that I thought a garbage truck was going to back up into my house.
During the romantic roll in the shit filled hay, Terry tells Mark that Chelsea likes sports. Thankfully he does too. Let me tell you, my girlfriend loves football whereas I don't (I know, no way, right?), so when my girlfriend goes on and on about Walter Payton Manning Troy whatever I'm like "Uh..ok" and go back to talking about Gay Niggers from Outer Space.
Mark actually has the gall to ask if Chelsea would have a threesome. That's pretty bold. I don't think I could ever ask ANY girls mom if her daughter would have a threesome. Hm. Let me call all my ex-girlfriend's moms, and my present girlfriend's mom, and ask.
Ok, I have to leave the country. But before I do, I'll finish this review.
The disturbing level kicks in when Terry admits that both her AND Chelsea dated the same guy before. Mark asks if they both had sex with this lucky (or perverted, depends on the situation I guess) fellow and Terry says she did but Chelsea didn't cause she was grossed out. I dunno...eh I better leave that alone.
After Terry gropes Mark's ass for a long, long time, they end the date. Another reference to dating the same guy before going into the house and the date is over. Terry tells Chelsea that the date consisted of cleaning up shit and being around "skanky animals". I went back to see what the hell she was talking about and I did notice a goat with a halter top, low rise jeans, and heels, smoking a cigarette and telling Mark "Meeeeeee so horny".
After a batch of annoying MTV commercials for ringtones and the 9th spin off of Laguna Beach, we return to meet Hope and her daughter Nico. Before knowing anything about Nico, I kinda liked her and found her attractive. And her mom wasn't too bad either. So this was the "team" I was pulling for. Unfortunately there is a underlying secret so twisted that it questions my judgement when it comes to girls.
During the introduction, Hope says Nico has the "tensity of a pitbull", in which Nico looks confused and goes "ruff?". Yeah, that's real tensity there, boy. Nico admits the oldest guy she'd date would be 34. I dunno about you but that's a random age. So if a guy was 35 she'd be all like "EWW NO!!! You were born in 1971!! That's too long!!" and vomit on him? Weird.
After Hope says she's gonna rape Mark with her wit...no wait. Rapier wit. I dunno what that means, so I'm gonna with raping Mark with her wit, we get more forced conversation on the couch. And we find out Nico's deep dark secret.
I'm sad to report that Nico...IS A TREKKIE!! AHHH!!! I found a Trekkie attractive!! Why God why??? I mean...Trekkie females aren't suppose to be hot...well kinda hot? They're suppose to be short, ugly, with acne and bad haircuts and with glasses that'd make my grandmother go "I'd never wear those in a million years." ARRGH!!!
Um. No offense to any female Trekkies that may read this. Ahem.
Anyway, when Mark meets Hope, Mark tells us in his commentary "She's a natural beauty. I hope she shaves her pits". I have no idea what the fuck that means or where it came from. Mark's big idea of a date: put Hope in a clear booth and have money fly up and she has 30 seconds to get as much money as possible.
It seems to me that every single episode of this damn show features a super busty mom and the dater guy is more or less leering at them and coming up with excuses to get more than an eyeful. I'm not complaining, just something I noticed. Anyway, this money thing is really just a piss-poor excuse to get Hope to shove SOMETHING down her low-cut shirt, with Mark just standing there desperately trying not to wack-off right then and there.
After the 30 seconds, Hope is full of fake money and they go off to count it. Catering to all the sexual predators in the audience, Mark just shoves his hands up Hope's shirt grabbing "money" and maybe "accidently" grabbing more. You probably think I'm joking about this. Well I'm not. What are you gonna do? Sit through this episode and prove me wrong? Go ahead. We'll see who the real fool is!
Turns out there are questions printed on each one of the bills. Really? Who the fuck has THAT kind of time? (Says the guy reviewing episodes of Date My Mom) The questions are your standard getting to know you questions but some interesting ones that I'll point out are these two:
"What are some nicknames Nico has?"
"Stubby and Lieutenant".
Uh-huh.
Then:
"Describe Nico's breasts...in haiku!"
"Nico's chest is so fine
It's just as lovely as mine
They get in the way of her wine"
I officially hate haiku's now. And wine. And somehow Nico's chest. Maybe I don't want them to win after all.
Before I can put a bullet in my brain, the date ends. They tempt my suicide by having Hope say "Be sure to put your 'money' on Nico." ARRGH!!! I'm crying here. Seriously. I'm crying.
Thank god for commercials. More Laguna Beach, Real World 2 Million which is filmed on Mars, and a hyperactive ad for some drug not approved by the FDA. I need to meet some nice calm people who are possibly stupid.
Also, Thank God there's Lisa and her daughter Joy. Lisa is 50 but she looks like she's maybe 20. Either she took damn good care of herself or she got lots of work done. I'm in a cynical mood so let's go with the work done option. Apparently Joy is 1 of NINE kids. Yeah, definitely got work done. Joy says she loves "surfers and computer nerds".
...wait. Computer nerds??? I'm kinda in that category!! I'm on the computer a lot!!! Ok, I got a new favorite!! Go Joy!!!
When Mark arrives "interrupting" the fake "patio chat", Joy exclaims "HOLY MATRIMONY!" I guess the writer for this show use to work for Batman or something. Who the fuck says Holy Matrimony? And what does that mean? She's gonna marry Mark if he picks her? Maybe this is just some ruse to trap men. After marrying them and killing them, both mother and daughter go on another God awful dating show and do it again. They call them "The Douchebag Killers!"
Mark's date consists of a personal fantasy for him: being lost on a deserted island with a hot chick. Unfortunately I've seen "Swept Away" and I know this fantasy is a terrible idea. This date is pretty mundane. Mark makes Lisa wear a fake coconut bra and grass skirt. He asks Lisa if she ever had crabs and she says yes. Then it turns out he was talking about the animal, not the stuff I'm sure she does have growing down there.
Then I kinda was amazed by something. There was actually a genuinely funny moment here. Mark asked Lisa what her daughter's name was and she goes "Joy Noelle" which is French for "Merry Christmas" cause she was born some days before Christmas. Mark asks if they're French and she goes "Nope." Then in commentary style Mark goes "Good thing she wasn't born on Yom Kippur".
I know it's lame, but in a show like this, you find humor in anything. And maybe my brain was leaking at this point.
So they're about to eat the crabs when Lisa is grossed out by the whole idea of cooking live crabs so she grabs them and throws them in the ocean. Yeah, I'm sure crabs are gonna survive long in the Pacific Ocean near California. It'd be more humane to just eat them. Lisa offers Mark "fish tacos" which sounds so fuckin' gross I rather not think about it.
This otherwise boring date ends and after some fake "how did the date go" stuff where Lisa admits to Joy she has crabs, it's decision time! Yay!!!!
On the cheap ass public beach, Mark is wearing a suit and says for no damn reason "This is gonna be off the hook! I can't wait to get that sweet sweet nectar". I don't know what THAT means either. Everything this guy says is like some secret code for spies or something.
Terry comes up and says "The other Mom's have nothing on this cause Mark is ours!"
Hope comes up and says "In order to live long and prosper, you must pick Nico." I think talk like that is gonna discourage him.
Lisa comes up and cause the writers didn't have anything left for her, she simply says "I was nervous before. Now I'm really, REALLY nervous."
Mark sums up the dates he had with all three moms and Terry is pissed that she was shoveling shit while the other Mom's dates were much, much better. When Mark got to Hope, he goes "I'll take you on a game show any day" in which Hope replies "I'll take you to the BONUS ROUND!" Grr, make it stop!
Now comes the super awkward part. Mark has to tell two mom's that their daughters are either ugly or just have horrible personalities, or they're horrible moms for not being able to sell their daughter right.
Mark rejects Terry and Chelsea first cause they dated the same guy, which is disturbing to him. When Chelsea walks out, Mark immediately regrets this. This is kinda like the last episode I reviewed but the ending actually works out for Mark cause the two remaining girls aren't ugly hose beasts.
Then he tells Hope that Trekkies don't turn him on and when Nico comes out, Mark goes "Looks like someone is going to the Star Trek convention...HAN SOLO!" I would point out why that joke is lame on so many levels but I wanna stop thinking about this episode (and this show) already so I'm just gonna leave that be. Oh and Hope told Mark "Screw you Buddy!" I guess she's Canadian.
Mark picks Joy because, um, well. I don't know. I honestly think he liked Lisa and thought if he picked Joy, he'd get in that way. I mean the lady has 9 kids and crabs, who wouldn't hit that? Mark is happy with his choice by acting all Tom Cruise on us (in the commentary part only, when Joy came out, he gave this generic stoic smile that says "Oh how nice.") and the two losing daughters MUST stand there awkwardly watching Mark and Joy make out. IN YOUR FACE you Trekkie and...girl who shares men with her mom!
After running down the beach, Chelsea asks Nico what she thought of Mark. Nico makes a Star Trek reference that I kinda get but I couldn't help but notice how Chelsea was standing way over Nico. Either Chelsea is 9 feet tall or Nico is 2 feet tall.
And with that this episode comes to a close. I celebrate by popping open several beers to wash away the memory of this episode. But before I get drunk off my ass, let me wish each and every one of you a Happy Valentines Day. I hope it's Trekkie and Crab free.
-Jason
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