Santa & The Ice Cream Bunny
This movie has been sitting on my shelf for about three years now. I first read up on it at "The Agony Booth" and I said to myself "Ya know, I think I should see that." After some searching I found an obscure site that sells obscure movies and I was set.
Then, well, other things came up and I never got to it. Ok? Leave me a lone, jeez!
Anyway, now it's that time of year again and while I still wait for Netflix to make available the first two "Silent Night, Deadly Night" films on DVD (only the first is available, those bastards!), and every other movie review site will be doing "Santa Claus Conquerors The Martians", I decide to go the "never heard of that" route and do "Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny".
So you're probably wondering "What the fuck is a The Ice Cream Bunny?" I wondered the same thing and after searching the internet I found nothing. But I do have a theory. I think the "Ice Cream Bunny" is suppose to be the Blue Bunny Ice Cream mascot or something but the makers of this movie, or whatever it is, didn't wanna get sued cause they only had $45 dollars in their total budget. But why should Santa meet The Ice Cream Bunny? I have no freakin' clue.
The very instant I pressed play on the DVD I'm bombarded with children/elves singing some song about Santa not being there while the credits roll. One girl looks outside and notices some reindeer grazing in what appears to be another film all together but no Santa and his sleigh. They just shrug their shoulders and continue singing.
Then the most disjointed narrator I ever heard pipes in and tells us that Santa and his sleigh is simply stuck on some beach in Florida. How it got stuck, or what he was doing prior to it being stuck is a mystery. But truthfully it just looks like a few grains of sand is simply sitting on the bottom of the sleigh and anyone with a broom could free Santa.
But instead Santa sings a song saying "Oh woe is me!" and how he's stuck in the hot Florida sun. Then the best montage in the world happens. Santa passes out, probably from heat stroke, and we get a glimpse of some kids doing stupid random things. My favorite is the black kid jumping off the roof while holding a giant umbrella.
I guess Santa is really Hiro from "Heroes" cause he causes time to freeze while he calls each kid by name. Well, except for three girls doing double dutch. He simply says "girls!", then they unfreeze and run. When the jumper unfreezes he lands on his back and the umbrella hits him in the chest. I'm guessing the kid's parents weren't on set that day.
Soon, all the kids are running to Santa and he tells them his problems and he wants their help. Instead of getting a shovel or maybe just blowing the sand off the sleigh, they run away and I guess break into a zoo cause different kids come back with different animals, in hopes of pulling the sleigh out.
This went on for-fucking-ever. They even got a fucking sheep. Really? A sheep? And the sounds and noises Santa made when the sheep was present was disturbing. If I was describing this scene to a blind person and they heard Santa was making these noises while a sheep was present, they'd slap me for showing them something perverted.
After the 900th animal (after the lemur, Santa should've slapped some kids and said "Stop being so retarded!"), the kids come back looking depressed cause they couldn't help. Uh oh! You failed Santa! You're all gonna get a lump of coal...after you mine it first.
Santa, trying to be his usual cheery self, decides to tell a story to make everyone not feel bad about not being smart enough to simply moving some sand. (There was a scene where Santa did get off his red jolly ass and tried to move the sand but I guess this was too exhausting for him and he gave up after 2 seconds.)
So onto Santa's story, which takes up 45 minutes of the movie and has nothing to do with Christmas or Santa. But I've already made it this far, I might as well finish. We now see some chick on vacation at some amusement park and she's riding different rides, which look like fun. There's even that giant slide thing. I wanna go on that! OHH! Some horse thing!! Neat!! I want to go to that place.
Then we get a credit sequence. Wait a minute! A movie already started! You can't start ANOTHER fucking movie WITHIN that movie! Jesus, who directed this thing, David Lynch? At least a Lynch film would make sense compared to this. (Ok, probably not, but still.)
We learn that this second movie was produced by "Pirate's World", which I'm guessing is where we're at. The Vacationing Girl wonders into the Hans Christian Andersen Pavilion where they're telling the story of Thumbelina, which is the story that we're gonna be forced to see for the next 40 minutes.
Vacationing Girl goes into the Pavilion and inside is a drive-thru speaker box and it starts telling us the story of Thumbelina. We meet her Mom, a spinster who declares to no one in her home that she's awfully lonely. But because eharmony.com wasn't invented yet, she decides to visit a witch. Yeah, cause witches were the Dr. Phil's of their time.
The witch, who wasn't too bad looking, sings some song about making a little girl for the spinster, strong emphasis on "little". The spinster plants this seed and within 10 seconds Thumbelina is born. Ew, that means she doesn't have a belly button. Weird.
As you no doubt know, Thumbelina is only 2 inches tall, which doesn't bug anyone but the special effects department on this movie cause they gotta find a cheap way to have Mom and Thumb Girl (hey I like that) to interact.
Thumb Girl spends her days dancing around the kitchen table and sleeping in a walnut shell. When it cuts back to Vacationing Girl, I noticed that she's the same person playing Thumb Girl, so I guess she's hearing this story and putting herself in it. She's so vein she thinks this story is about her. Also when it cut to Vacationing Girl, the drive-thru box tells us that they didn't have the budget to film a frog kidnap Thumb Girl, but it really happened, take it's word for it.
Why was she kidnapped by a frog? Cause she wanted to find a wife for her son. There's so many things wrong with that, but there's more wrong stuff coming up so let's not dwell on that yet. The son frog is excited that he's finally gonna be getting laid (I guess he's a "horny frog", ha-ha-ha) but unfortunately, Thumb Girl escaped. Oh well, back to incest thoughts for you.
Thumb Girl roams around this forest, trying to find her way back when she comes across some sort of bugs. I probably don't have to mention the costumes look retarded, which is why I have no idea what kind of bugs these are suppose to be. The bugs wanna kill Thumb Girl for no apparent reason, but she escapes them too. Man, she's like Kim Bauer. Except smarter. (Ohh burn.)
Eventually it turns to winter and since Thumb Girl is dressed like a cosplay prostitute she's about to freeze. She decides to take a cue from other animals and dig underground for the winter. There, she finds the home of Mrs. Mole, an old, well, mole. Mrs. Mole agrees to let Thumb Girl stay cause her husband is off...somewhere. Where I don't know and he never comes back, apparently. But Mrs. Mole is still waiting.
So Thumb Girl sticks around for awhile and one day Mrs. Mole asks Thumb Girl why don't she get married. Thumby (gotta switch it up) says she's too young but Mrs. Mole don't see a problem with this. Jeez, I didn't know the animal kingdom was full of child bride mongers. How disturbing. Next time I go to the zoo, I'm gonna feel like I'm visiting some sort of pedo-jail or something.
Things get worse when Mr. Digger, Mrs. Mole's "friend" shows up. Mr. Digger is suppose to be a well-off mole who travels the world. No, I don't know how a mole travels the world, don't even ask. And how a mole has a fucking chandelier in it's...whatever it lives in. I barely have enough hot water to take a shower and a mole has fine china.
After meeting Thumby for five minutes, Mr. Digger proposes marriage. Jesus, you fucking animals, lay off the kid! Of course Mrs. Mole thinks it’s a good idea only cause she's tired of feeding Thumby, which I see her point. I'm sure she only gathered enough food for herself (well her and her missing husband) and here comes some tiny girl, the Kato Kaelin of the animal kingdom. I'd want her to get out, even if it meant marrying an animal that's 89 years older than you.
Oh, and on the way to Mr. Digger's place, they spot a paper mache bird, lying there dead. Mr. Digger more or less insults the bird and tries to get into a little girl's panties. This entire thing turns into some kind of social commentary when Thumby says she's too young to get married and she wants to see the world and other stuff women were preaching about in the early '70's. Preach on, sista!
Thumbelina feels bad for the bird and nurses it back to health (why? aren't you afraid it's gonna wanna anal rape you when it wakes up?). During several cuts back to Vacationing Girl looking bored to death staring at a talking box, Thumbelina agreed to be a mole's bitch, which involves never going outside ever again as long as she shall live.
This depresses her and wants to see the bird but it's gone. She's even more depressed and I don't blame her. Everyone around her is trying to either fuck her or get rid of her and the one thing that wasn't making any sexual advances to her left.
When Thumbelina gets outside, the bird is there and says he'll fly her away from this weird mole cult of pervs. Since she didn't hear the word "sex" anywhere in that deal, she agrees and becomes the tiny version of Jennifer Wilbanks. (Old reference is old!)
While, ahem, "flying" the bird spots some "flower people" and takes Thumbelina there. Turns out these flower people are exactly like her and she's welcomed here. But of course she meets the king or prince or whatever and instantly he wants to marry her. Oh my God! Lay off with the instant proposals! She's still only 3 or something.
Anyway, turns out the narrator was Mrs. Mole and since Mr. Digger wanted to marry SOMEONE, he married her. Wait, wait, wait! What about her husband that was away or whatever?? Did they get divorced cause he's been away for so long? Did she make him up? What the hell? The animal kingdom is fucking weird.
After Thumbelina takes over narrating every fucking thing we just saw, this part of the "movie" ends with a camera man riding all the rides at Pirate's World, which still seems fun to me.
Well, this movie could've been better, but there wasn't enough Santa-
Oh shit! I forgot! There's still Santa! Damn you, movie!!
So back to Santa, still stuck in his stupid sleigh and I guess this story was about hope and determination or something. Then the kids run away again and this time they come back with the most disturbing thing I've seen.
The Ice Cream Bunny.
It's riding on a 1930's fire truck and the kids are singing some song (through a kazoo) while the truck takes its sweet ass time riding through, hey look at that, it's Pirate's World! NOW the Thumbelina thing makes sense. Well...no it don't. But whatever!
After what felt like eternity, The Ice Cream Bunny arrives at Santa's sleigh and oh jesus the one eye won't stay open. Ugh. Santa gets on the fire truck and the Bunny carts Santa's lazy ass away. The kids run after it saying good bye. So, I guess the Bunny is gonna drive Santa all over the world delivering gifts? Sure, whatever. The kids wanna know how the sleigh works so they run to it and it disappears.
...what? It can disappear?? HOW?! WHA?? UGH!
Thankfully the DVD simply comes to a stop and this movie is now a distant memory. Well, it soon will be after I drink this case of beer.
Ok, now that it's officially over. This movie really sucked. It was entertaining in the beginning cause of all the funny stupid stuff that was happening with Santa and his sleigh, but when the Thumbelina stuff happened, with it's creepy animals and weird social commentary, I got bored and wanted it to end. Probably not the worse Christmas movie, but it's up there. Adam said it best when he said "It would be better if it was called 'Santa VERSES The Ice Cream Bunny". I agree.
Now if you excuse me, I'm gonna call Chris Hansen on some animals.