Date My Mom #3

Ahhh...December. There's snow on the ground. The temperature is 50 degrees below zero. And Christmas is just around the corner. What could I possibly do to prepare us for such a jolly holiday? Why, how about reviewing one of the skankist TV shows that ever existed? Of course I'm talking about "Date My Mom" the worst show ever from MTV, and that's saying a lot.

I'm sure by now you know the routine, so let's get on with it.

Our dater is Ron, a stand up comedian from L.A of course, cause all these damn dating shows take place in L.A for some God awful reason. And what a fuckin' stand up comedian he is. All of the jokes he makes throughout the episodes are so lame he'd probably be one of the top four on "Last Comic Standing". At least he's not as bad as Jessica Kirson.

So anyway, Ron is all obsessed with big butts and he cannot lie. But he calls 'em "Fetta pieces". This is never explained. He spends the entire episode making lame jokes AND talking in his made up language. After dancing like Michael Jackson, it's time to meet Mom and Daughter #1.

Team #1 is Trinny, the mom, and Alethea, the daughter. You might be having problems pronouncing Alethea's name but it's quite simple. Say "Alicia" but with a lisp. And damn you MTV, you made me watch this AGAIN to verify that neither Mom or "Alicia" say anything about themselves, other then the fact Mom is single and "Alicia" is the oldest daughter.  Oh, but Trinny lovenly tells her own daughter to "Eat a butt! I got this!" Isn't this show's family values just lovely?

The "Pre-date" interview between Mom and Daughter goes on, sounding forced as ever and "Alicia" tells Mom not to tell him about her swearing and her tattoos, but she can tell him about the time "Alicia" got her tongue pierced and Mom didn't know and thought the talking in a lisp sounded normal. It's ok, "Alicia". That's how she came up with your goofy ass name.

Then during the "What's Going On In Their Minds" part, Trinny says "I hope this date is fa-heezy fo-sheezy." I don't know what that means and I'm sure she doesn't either. Then Ron says "I hope this daughter doesn't have a weave otherwise 'weave' got a problem." Excuse me, I'm gonna call my friend Adam and tell him to go kill this Ron G. guy.

Ok, back.

So Ron arrives and after an awkward greeting, he tells Trinny they're gonna do some "Krumping". If you don't know what "krumping" is, then you're white. It was the basis of a movie that came out a few years ago called "Rize", which you probably never saw cause, yet again, you're white. It's basically Breakin': The Next Generation, with people using their whole bodies to dance so you look like you're overdosing on heroin or something.

And Ron and Trinny go out and meet the star of that movie, named Tommy The Clown. I'm guessing you need to see the movie to get why he chose to be a clown, but he started the whole "krumping" movement so kids in South Central L.A have something to do other than shooting each other and getting 11-year-old girls pregnant.

So Tommy The Clown puts face paint on both Ron and Trinny (Cause you can't dance without face paint, DAMMIT!) and they both square off. Ron cheats by stealing some moves by Michael Jackson, then ends it by mimicking hitting a baseball. So now us white folks knows what krumping is. It's Trinny's turn and all she does is do a simple "pump fists from your breast area back and forth" motion. And with this, Tommy the Clown declares her the winner. Of course.

Now it's time to get to know the daughter, even though I can tell you one thing all of these daughters have in common: there are so god damn desperate they're willing to appear on a scripted dating show on MTV. Anyway, Trinny tells Ron all the stuff "Alicia" didn't want him to know (of course she did, it wouldn't be "Date My Mom" if they didn't) like about her tattoos, which is of a dragon running across her chest, and a ram on her back. Ron's brilliant one-liner: "I'll have a ram...a dragon...and a beef n' broccoli please!" I deduce he still lives with his mom because if these are the jokes he makes during his job as a "comedian", he's not getting paid much.

Mom also says that when Ron should think of her daughter, he should think of a scarecrow. I'm guessing cause she doesn't have a brain. She also tells the story about her tongue piercing, which amuses him and of course, she lets slip that "Alicia" has a "truckers mouth".

So now that Mom has ruined all their chances, Ron drops her off, but not before she demonstrates her award winning "krump" moves. Trinny goes inside and explains to her that she told Ron all the stuff he wasn't suppose to hear. Oh and that she doesn't have a dragon on her chest. She never says what the hell it is exactly. I mean what else looks like a dragon? A uni-corn on fire? After awkwardly asking if they "won this" and going "WOO!" it's time for a commercial.

And we're back with Team #2, Eleanor, the mom, and Tracy, the daughter. Thank god her daughter's name is Tracy, doing those "quotes" were getting aggravating. The only thing we learn from these two is Mom is married and Tracy likes to cook. Yum-o! Oh and Mom cannot talk to save her life. I'm going to assume Mom is from another country and learned English like ten years ago. This isn't explained but if I need to keep my sanity intact, I'm gonna go with that. Anyway, Mom barely gets the written line "Ain't nothin' but a chicken wing" out. And yes, she just says it like that for no reason.

During the "pre" interview, Tracy begs Mom to tell Ron she has a big butt. Ah, she must've seen the footage of the previous date or something. But Mom is like "Um, no. You got a flat butt." Gee, thanks Mom. My self esteem is already rock bottom for appearing on this show, now it's literally in Hell after that comment. Expect a suicide note when you get back from this date.

Ron shows up and he takes Eleanor to pottery class. And if you say "Do they make a reference to that scene in 'Ghost'?, well give yourself a cigar! While making clay pots, they talk about Tracy, who Ron is glad to hear that's her name after dealing with Alethea, declaring it a "simple name". Eleanor mentions the no booty thing after Ron explains what a "fetta piece" is, and says that Tracy thinks she has ugly feet, but Eleanor like them. Maybe it's just me, but as a parent shouldn't you like EVERYTHING your kid as?

Eleanor also mentions that Tracy wakes up with "puppy breath" aka Morning breath, like this is some weird thing that only certain people get. I'm sure Eleanor wakes up and her breath smells like Martha Stewart's vagina after a rose bath. Ron, being the "funny" guy that he is, says "I don't care if she has puppy breath, just don't have a doggy face to go with it. ARF!" He actually says "arf" at the end too.

After the date, Mom tells Tracy that she told him about the no butt thing and that her feet may or may not be ugly. Tracy ignores Mom and puts on her My Chemical Romance album and starts carving stuff into her arm. But not before we see her feet. I'm totally NOT a foot person but I don't see anything wrong with them. And of course, despite Eleanor mentioning ALL of this stuff, they still think they're gonna win. If you say so.

After some late-night commercials (I did tape this at 4 in the morning one Saturday/Sunday night), we meet Carnell, the mom and Courtney, the daughter. And holy fuck these two are just SCREAMING everything damn thing! Mom swears Courtney looks like Ashanti, which means Carnell is the polar opposite of Eleanor: she builds up Courtney's self esteem but it may be a tad bit too high. And I hope Carnell never decides to become an actor because she cannot say the words that were written for her.

Trick Question: WHICH IS WHICH?!?!

Case in point, when Ron shows up, they have the flattest conversation I have ever heard.
Ron: Hey. How. Are. You. Doing?
Carnell: Fine. Thanks.

Wow. Call Mr. Pulitzer. And tell him to never ever award the staff of "Date My Mom".

So this date is gonna consist of Ron taking Carnell to where he "works", a comedy club. I imagine if we could find the unaired footage of this episode, we'd see a scene where Ron was begging the manager to let him in and he swears he'll make the crowd laugh tonight. Then probably proceeded to give the manager a blowjob. I should go work for MTV to find this footage.

Anyway, what's gonna happen is Carnell is gonna get a crash course in stand up comedy and do a bit on stage in front of 5 people, which is probably 3 people more then Ron is use to. (Notice I didn't make a joke about how this crash course is probably how Ron got his start. I have more dignity then that.)

So Carnell goes up on stage and....ok yes I have to say it. This is EXACTLY how Ron got his start in "comedy" because her jokes are about as lame as his, maybe even lamer if that's possible. I wrote down two of em.

"You know. All men cheat. I rather have a rich guy cheat on me then a poor guy."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! the crowd actually says.

"Breaking up with a guy is like taking out the garbage. Just tie it up. Drag it outside. Put it on the curb. And wait for someone to pick it up."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!, some lady is crying and another guy throws up cause "this is so funny."

Oh and for some reason, Carnell throws Ron a pair of Courtney's underwear but for the life of me I have no idea why. Oh and if you guessed they played bass to sound just like the opening theme song to "Seinfeld" give yourself another cigar. Or just light yourself on fire. Whichever is easier.

After the stand up, Carnell and Ron have a talk. The only two things you need to know from this encounter is Ron, on top of him being obsessed with big butts, also likes ankles. And that Courtney likes to walk around the house naked. A lot. Thanks, Mom, for telling a total stranger this interesting fact about your own fuckin' daughter! Ugh.

I don't wanna think about this anymore. Just know that Carnell told Courtney she gave Ron his underwear (which he used like floss....god I hate this show) and that she more or less ho'd her own daughter out.

Finally, we come to THE DECISION! And it's on Date My Mom Public Beach as usual. By now I'm just sick with Ron, with his obsession with big asses, and these people who are willing to pimp their daughters out. This is a horrible show. HORRIBLE I TELL YOU!!!

One by one, each Mom comes out and of course they gotta say one final thing that makes my head explode.

Trinny: "I bet the other Mom's can't krump like I can" and she proceeds to do her lame ass move again.

Eleanor: "I finally figured out what a fetta piece is. Pick Tracy you not disappointed." No, I didn't do a typo there, she ACTUALLY said this. And of course you know what it is, Ron explained it to you on your date!

Carnell...just....God. Why?

"Pick my daughter and she'll walk around naked for you."

WHAT. THE. FUCK! WHY would you say that ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER to a guy YOU DON'T KNOW?! I swear this is the sleaziest show ever in existence. Even that show that was on Fox back in the '90's "Studs" never went that low. God I feel sick now. Let's fuckin' get this over with.

Ron doesn't pick "Alicia" because she has a goofy ass name and he doesn't wanna hear her swear. If those are his only two complaints, he should be so lucky he got three girls FIGHTING for him to begin with. Alethea comes out and Ron says "Looks like someone krumped her in the face" which made me laugh, which is either a sign he can be funny at time or I'm losing my mind from watching this.

Ron doesn't pick Courtney because of a thing Carnell said about ponytails and how Courtney likes 'em on guys or something. Why that's so fuckin' important is beyond me, but whatever. Courtney comes out and Ron says "Yeah she looks like Ashanti....'s brother."

So Ron picks Tracy, despite having "puppy breath". When she gets out of the car he literally does the dance of joy and probably immediately gets a boner. I'm honestly surprised he didn't pick Courtney judging on how easily Carnell was willing to pimp her out.

Ron, Tracy, and Eleanor does the running on the beach thing that I never understand and it goes to the post-rejection interview and when it gets to Carnell she says "Yeah....Tracy is cute." WHOA! Looks like Carnell found another girl to pimp out. Watch your back, Courtney.

So with that all said and done, I now see why wait so long to do another episode. Just the fact they exist is enough to prove that God doesn't. And, much like every bad movie ever made, I'm surprised that this show could go through so many people without one of them going "Hold up. What the fuck are we doing? Let's just burn this footage and retire now." But no, here it is, on my TV set. And there is no sign of this show ever ending.

God help us all.

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