Jack Frost



The holiday season is upon us. To some people, this means snow and hot cocoa and fire in the fireplace and wool knit sweaters. To others this means no parking at malls, long ass lines in stores, fighting with a fat lady over the last $20 DVD/VHS combo player, and scarring children for life by having them sit in a drunk old guy's lap who "claims" to be Santa.

Thankfully, some film makers out there said to themselves "We need a movie to lighten the mood a bit. Let's make....Jack Frost!" And since this is approximately the 900th movie with this title, they had to make theirs a little bit more unique. (Oddly enough, there's another "Jack Frost" movie about a guy who dies and comes back to life as a snowman. That version is nowhere near as interesting.)

During the credit sequence, we hear a man with a heavy accent talk to a girl trying to sound precious but comes off as annoying. Accent Man is telling the story of Jack Frost, a serial killer. The man goes into great details about the murders, but none of that is important. What you do need to know is he was eventually caught and is going to be put to death.

Then a truck carrying Jack is driving through a blizzard with three sarcastic guards. They tease Jack until he somehow kills the guard that was watching him in the back. Before getting to the two in the front, they drive right into a truck carrying some kind of acid chemical.

Both Jack and one of the guards survive and before Jack can get out another punny one-liner (God, get use to the punny one-liners), the chemical from the truck decides to invoke the powers of Scrubbing Bubbles (TM) and cover Jack. He dissolves into the snow and turns into a giant snowman. Well, this happens off camera but we all know what movie we're watching so it's no surprise.


We then meet Sheriff Sam and his family driving back home from a weekend of skiing. Sam sees that it's midnight, the time Jack was suppose to be executed, and has a "Lost"-style flashback. Apparently, he was the one who found Jack back in his human murdering days and caught him. The way he did it is a bit stupid.

Apparently, Sam doesn't like it when people pull off safely to the side of the road and take a piss deep in the forest because that's all Jack was doing when Sam found him. Right after Jack said this, Sam pulls his gun out and says "GET DOWN! NOW!! DAMMIT!!", all Jack Bauer style. And then he gets tried and sentenced to death...all because he had to take a leak. If I ever turn to a life of crime, I know never to stop and take a piss.

The next day, we are just thrown "REMEMBER THIS OK?" crap like crazy. Sam's son Ryan is making some poop and he gives it to his father to eat later. There's some kind of snowman building contest going on. We meet a slew of character, one of whom is Shannon Elizabeth! I was interested before but now I'm REALLY interested!! And Sam goes into his office and finds that someone died.




Turns out it's Old Man Harper and his neck was broken because someone (or something!!) forced his neck to go snapping back...like maybe a big pile of snow. Everyone is stumped. Sam says not to tell anyone about it so there won't be a panic.

Sam gets into town and there's a panic (at the disco) because everyone found out. Hm, so much for that. Back at the homestead, Sam's wife Anne returns home to find Ryan baking more poop. Nice parenting, leaving your 4 or 5 year old home alone...in the kitchen...cooking. She tells Ryan to go outside and put stuff on the snowman that appeared outside. Ryan claims he didn't build it but he decorates it anyway.

After putting the nose and eyes and making a mouth, some older kids come along and is like "We're sledding on your front yard! Welcome to the COLD.C, bitch!!!!!" The leader, Billy knocks the head off the snowman, and the snowman comes to life and trips Billy, which causes him to fall in the path of a sledder and so he is decapitated.

For some really weird ass reason, the entire town thinks Ryan did it and want to crucify him on the big hill. Billy's dad, who's kind of an asshole anyway, is leading this cause and yells at Sam. Sam says his baby is an angel and he would never kill anyone. The weird thing is, everyone seems to know that Billy just fell and whoever was on the sled killed him. Why they're blaming Ryan is a mystery. But this is a killer snowman movie, so I should take everything with a grain of salt.

Billy's parents are home, mourning. Jill decides to leave asshole/bummer-ville and heads out. Jake, the asshole father, decides to go outside to smoke when he meets Jack. Jack says howdy by shoving an entire ax in his mouth. Then Jack sets his sights on Sally, the slightly loopy mom. He pretty much just shoves her entire head into a box of ornaments, then ties her up to the tree. Oh yes, there were puns. God, I remember the puns. I just won't relive them by typing them out.




Paul, the hardware guy, comes by and finds Jack getting ready to leave. He does a Curly by stammering for a bit, then running in fast motion. Now that there are three unexplained murders, the FBI gets involved and we meet another asshole, named Manners oddly enough. And his partner Stone. They treat Sam and everyone in town like backward hicks and won't tell Sam that Jack Frost is now a snowman and killing everyone. I guess it's not that believable of a story.

Manners tells Sam to set up a curfew and have everyone in town stay at the community center until they figure shit out. Then Paul comes running in and starts smashing all the snowmen in the Snowman contest. Manners punches him and Sam puts Paul in a jail cell until he recovers.

Since all the "adults" are away, Jill and her boyfriend Tommy break into Sam's house and decide to get it on. YAY! We get to see Shannon Elizabeth naked!!...well no. We don't. And that sucks. Jack breaks in and fires icicles at Tommy, killing him. Jack also has the power to turn into water, so he becomes a tub full of water, where Jill gets in and bathes herself. Lucky dead serial killing snowman. When Jack returns to snowman form, he...
You know what? Just watch it here.


One of the deputies are sent to the store Paul owns to see what happened with him and he comes across Jack, who took on the role of a crossing guard. This makes the deputy get out and gives Jack an opportunity to steal the car. You haven't lived until you see a snowman driving a car.



Thirty-five "backward hick" jokes from Manners later, Sam gets fed up and demand to know what's going on. They refuse to tell him until Jack shows up. Then Manners finally tells Sam that Jack has taken on the form of a killer snowman and is coming after him. Sam looks up at a bulletin board and finds one of the notes Jack sent pinned to it. In case Sam needed a reminder that a serial killer wants him or something. Jack leaks his way in and Stone tells Sam that he isn't with the FBI but with the chemical company and they found a way to turn human DNA into inanimate objects so man can live forever. Stone wants Jack alive for a test subject but everyone else agrees that Jack needs to be destroyed!

So they set up a room full of bug spray cause it'll cause a big explosion. This scene gets drawn out cause the window to escape out of is locked and the key is still in the door down the hall. So Sam takes his sweet ass time getting them. On the way back, Paul reminds Sam that he's in the jail cell still. They finally open the window and escape. Then they shoot at the jail, blowing it up.

They think this stopped Jack but nope. It just make him more pissed off and gave him an excuse to shout out more puns. And for whatever reason, he's assembled all backwards.





Sam gets the brilliant idea then to burn him up, hoping that he'll just melt away. Everyone else agrees with this idea so they arm themselves with hair dryers and when Jack shows up again, they all force him, via the hair dryers, into the big furnace. He falls in and we get the typical "I'm melting!! Melting!!" joke, until he's gone.

Manners and Stone stay behind to celebrate when they realize that water, when melted, turns into steam, which is then released into the air and can be turned back into water. It's called evaporation. Look into it. So Jack comes back to life and kills Manners and Stone.

Except Jack possesses Stone and walks out of the center. Then Stone vomits out Jack. Sam and Ryan run to the car where Jack liquefies his way in. While escaping the car, Sam throws the poo sandwich Ryan made earlier and this causes Jack to lose half of his face. Ryan confesses he put anti-freeze in the poop for whatever stupid ass reason. Instead of beating the shit out of him for trying to poison him, Sam hugs him and tells Paul to get a shitload of anti-freeze ready.




While doing that, Sam keeps Jack busy by having him chase him all over the damn place. When Paul pulls up with the pool full of anti-freeze in his pickup truck, Sam pushes Jack out the window and directly into the anti-freeze. This causes him to melt completely. Somehow, this does the trick.

They pour all the anti-freeze back into the bottles and bury them in the ground where Jack will stay until the sequel. Oh yes, there is a sequel. And considering Sam had to have drank half of the anti-freeze while fighting Jack in the pool, I'm sure he isn't gonna have much more time to live.

Obviously this movie wasn't meant to be taken seriously. It's a fun movie, except for the puns. I know I glossed over the puns, but if you want a few of them, check out the IMDB quote page for a sample. I should make it a point to review every movie titled "Jack Frost", but then I realized that I actually do have a life. Well, ok no I don't.



-Jason

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