The movie starts with someone reading "The Night Before Christmas" and we focus a house. On a stairwell, a woman with her two sons are staring at a fireplace. Soon, St. Nick comes sliding down and he starts putting presents under the tree. One of the kids makes some noise, which gets Santa's attention. Santa turns around and starts throwing coal at him.
Ok, not really. He flies back up the chimney. WOW! Maybe Santa is real! The kids go to bed and Phillip tells his brother Harry that Santa isn't real, that they just saw their dad dressed as Santa. Harry refused to believe this and honestly, I'm with Harry. Santa really did fly up that chimney! Unless Dad is Superman, that was motherfucking Santa Claus!
Harry sneaks downstairs and...well fuck me, Dad must be Superman cause Dad, still in Santa gear, is trying to fuck Mom, while Harry watches. Harry gets upset at this whole weird scene and runs upstairs, smashes Rosebud, and then invents the emo scene by slicing his wrists. Be funny if Robert Smith was his next door neighbor.
Flash forward to....1980 I guess, and an adult Harry is OBSESSED with Santa Claus. He dresses like him when he sleeps (minus the beard and stuff). He's got pictures of Santa all over his apartment. And he plays nothing but Christmas songs, probably all year long. Ugh, one of THOSE people.
You'll never guess what Harry's job is? He works at a toy factory! I swear he does. And he's a manager of sorts. His co-workers don't treat him with much respect. One guy, Frank, says his wife wants to leave for their vacation early so needs someone to work for him. He coaxes Harry into doing it. While doing it, Harry fixates on making the toys right and gets angry when he sees people doing a half-assed job.
Harry leaves for the night and he walks past a bar, where Frank is at, drinking and saying loud enough for Harry to hear him outside "I TRICKED THAT SMUCK HARRY INTO DO MY JOB! HAW HAW HAW!!!!" Harry gets pissed about this and runs away.
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| Kind of a random place to film a TV show. |
To show that Harry's not a balanced guy, he goes around spying on kids with binoculars, and taking notes on if they are good or not. He spies some good kids being good, until he comes across MOSS GARCIA! Ugh, just saying his name. First off, who the fuck names their kid Moss? Anyway, Moss is looking at Penthouse magazines, and Harry runs home to put him on the Bad Boys and Girls's list. Well, it's not a list. It's a whole fucking book. Obsess much?
So you probably can see where all of this is going. The movie takes forever setting this up though. At one point, I was screaming at my computer screen to hurry the fuck up and bring on the crazy guy who thinks he's Santa killing people, possibly kids. But they had to do a whole shitload of set up.
First off, it's Thanksgiving and Harry is watching the Macy's parade on TV. When Santa appears, Harry gets quiet, even while talking to Phillip. Phillip, by the way, is introduced into the movie in a weird way. He's shirtless, doing push ups. I thought a totally different movie was beginning suddenly.
Phillip really hates Harry, calling him a retard more or less. Phillip wants Harry to come over for Thanksgiving cause, I guess, Harry can't feed himself or something. Harry gets transfixed on Santa and says he won't come over, then hangs up.
Harry gets to work on his obsession. He buys a rape van, and makes it a super creepy rape van by painting a sleigh on the side. Totally boss, dude. He starts putting together a Santa's outfit. There's a great scene where Harry goes to Moss Garcia's house to spy on him some more. Moss' Mom then makes him get ready to go somewhere. Since Harry is hiding in the bushes, Moss spots him but his Mom just starts slapping the shit out of the kid for being Moss Garcia. It was a great scene. Then things really slide into wacko town at the company's Christmas party.
Harry learns that his company is donating toys to a children's hospital for kids with cancer or something, but he learns from the sleazy executives that they're not giving every kid in the hospital a toy. Harry's upset by this and he keeps going on and on about not knowing the tune at first, but now he knows the tune and he's singing the tune right. I have no idea what the fuck he's talking about and neither goes anyone else.
Harry (Ugh, this is the third paragraph in a row I began that way) goes to the factory, finds some canvas bags and stuffs them with toys. He goes home and starts making toy soldiers. Oh Harry, you're so precious.
Christmas Eve rolls around and Harry glues on his beard. He spends five minutes just laughing and making weird psycho noises while pulling on the beard. It was kinda disturbing. Harry loads up his rape van and away he goes!! ONTO THE NIGHT!!!
He stops at one house, gets in just fine, and leaves presents under a tree. It was all very nice. Harry then drives to the children's hospital, where he's greeted by The Grinch! The Grinch, in disguise as a security guard roughly 200 years old, doesn't seem to realize he's guarding a children's hospital and finds it weird a guy dressed up as Santa is here to hand out presents.
The Grinch is about to shoot Santa when Santa talks his way out of this and convinces the guard to get somebody in charge. The Grinch says "Ok, but I'm coming back to shoot ya!" A few minutes later, all the nurses and doctors rush out and are happy to see Santa bringing gifts to sick kids. At a children's hospital. I hope The Grinch was fired.
After macking on some nurses, Santa Harry leaves. The next stop...isn't so jolly. We go to a church and the executives who wanted to stiff some sick kids are there for a mass. Santa pulls up and stands outside when mass ends and everyone walks out. They spot Santa and almost immediately, four pompous dickheads, who actually talk in a "Muffy/Buffy" voice, give Santa shit for...existing I guess. Santa, who wanted to kill the executives, settles for these assholes instead. He stabs one dude in the eye with a toy solider knife, and kills the other three with an ax. YAY KILLINGS!!
BOO SLOWED DOWN AGAIN!!
Harry jumps in his rape van and peels out of there. He stops by Moss Garcia's and leaves a box of shit, I guess. What do you get a kid named Moss Garcia anyway? Sometime after Moss Garcia's, Santa Harry is walking past some building called For Family and Friends (I guess) and two drunk guys spot Santa and drag him inside. There, everybody is happy to see him, including the kids. Santa gives the kids some presents, then spends THREE HOURS dancing with them. UGH, get the killings again!
Santa leave this party and he gets back into his rape van. He's all in the spirit when he has a flashback of Frank talking shit about him. He gets angry again and he goes to Frank's house. For some reason, Santa Harry has a hard time getting into this house. He gets a ladder and climbs on the roof and tries to go down the chimney. Hm, his dad was Superman, so maybe he can fly up and down too?
Well, no. He gets stuck and there's a "tense" two minute scene where Harry can't get out. He eventually does. He carefully climbs back down the ladder, and then decides to climb in through the basement windows, which is the size of a car, I should add.
Now that he's finally inside, he sneaks around like a drunken elephant, knocking shit over. Ok, how can you quietly sneak into TWO houses, but on this third one you can't do it right? He puts some presents under the trees for the kids, then he goes upstairs to give Frank his gift.
Two things to note here: 1. Frank and his wife have twin beds but they put them together. 2. Harry sucks as a killer. He tries to suffocate Frank with a pillow, but it takes him forever to die. Harry, bored of this and not wanting to wake the wife up, grabs a tree topper made of glass, breaks it, and cuts Frank's throat with it. Frank proceeds to fall on his wife, waking her up. Good job, Harry.
Harry runs out, saying bye to the kids first. Oh great, now HE traumatized some kids. Way to associate Santa with a killer, dude. We know how THAT worked out. Santa gets into his rape van and drives away.
It is now the next morning. The police are trying to figure out who's going around killing people as Santa. They realize the people that were killed were assholes, and that a bunch of kids got some mysterious toys. They even get a bunch of guys dressed as Santa and make them stand in a line-up. It's crazy!
Harry wakes up in his rape van, kinda dazed. Hm, now he know what it feels like. He parked outside the toy factory for whatever reason so he goes inside. Getting into the Santa mood, he starts up the assembly line, letting all the toys just fall to the floor. That's rather un-Santa like.
At Phillip's, he watches a news report about a killer Santa and knows it's Harry. Phillip's wife seems to stick up for Harry an awful lot. With the news of a killer Santa out there, everyone goes into a panic. And the weirdest ending scene I've ever seen occurs.
Harry continues to play Santa, even though it's now Christmas night. He spots a neighborhood with a lot of Christmas lights and he walks around. A bunch of kids find him and are happy to see him. You know who's not happy to see him? The kid's parents.
One dad pulls out a switchblade and is about to stab Santa RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS LITTLE GIRL!!! Jesus, doesn't anybody think about the ramifications of killing Santa right in front of kids? The kids surround Santa so the parents don't hurt him. Santa makes a break for it and-oh god you won't believe this shit.
The parents start chasing Santa...with motherfucking torches!!! What the fuck?? Suddenly, it's Salem in the 1600's. I wonder what they would've done if they caught him, burn him at the stake? Weigh him with a duck to see if he weighs the same as wood?
So this mob is chasing Santa with torches and he runs back to his rape van. He manages to escape the crowd. Nowhere else to turn (TAKE OFF THE DAMN BEARD AND SUIT!), he goes to Phillip's. Phillip is like "Oh I fucking knew it!" and strangles Harry. Right in front of his wife and kids.
To make this ending even more batshit insane, Phillip drags Harry's lifeless body to Harry's rape van and puts him in the driver's seat. So, uh, was he gonna say he was strangled while driving? Well, oddly enough, Harry wakes up. He freaks out and drives away. He drives towards the angry torch wielding mob and suddenly he drives off a bridge.
What I'm about to type next, I swear to EVERY GOD in every HOLY BOOK EVER that it happened. It's not explained, it just happens. The van goes off the bridge and soon it starts flying! Into the sky! Harry just rolls with this and yells out "MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!! AND TO ALL A GOODNIGHT!!!" Then credits!
WHAT! THE! FUCK! YO!
I can't hate this movie. It's weird as all hell (much like every movie I've done this month) and it's got a creepy pedofile undertone to the whole thing (He was really obsessed with kids, plus the rape van) and the last 5 minutes just makes your head explode but I don't care. I liked it. It had a ton of slow spots but I think it's worth it. Oh man.
With that said, Merry Christmas!
-Jason
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