Date My Mom #1

(Note: This isn't the first episode of "Date My Mom". It's just the first one I reviewed on The Site.)

So a reminder on what "Date My Mom" is, it's a horrible dating show on MTV. The point, well there's no point to it. The OBJECT is there's one guy and three girls. The three girls have three moms. The guy has to pick a girl to go out on a date with but he can only pick her by going out with their mom first. And the mom basically has to pimp their daughters out. The entire show is horrible, sleazy, and so badly written it's unbearable. And slowly over the years, many people on this horrible showed tried to "sue" me. So fuck them. Here's my first review of "Date My Mom", the most epic episode ever!

For the first episode that I'm gonna present to you, we're gonna focus on Troy, a 23 year old dude who "likes to travel, read, and soccer". He also says the type of woman he's into has to have "more brain than body". The whole reason I'm picking this episode first is because of how it ends. When you see the ending, you will see why it was chosen.

The first mom/daughter is Ida, a 45 single mom and Alex, who's 23. Ida is approximately 8 feet tall and looks like a female wrestler. Alex looks like the kind of girl who gets all dressed up for the prom and ends up sitting on the curb all night cause her date left her for a Jessica Simpson type.

Alex confesses she likes "old dudes and dorks" and when asked about the fun things Mom does, we hear "I caught her making out with a total random stranger one day!" Mom sounds like a hoot. And the stranger was probably Eddie Murphy.

How the format of this show goes is we see the mom and daughter having a "heartfelt" talk before the Dater arrives. Of course this is all scripted and sounds incredibly forced with lines like "Don't take any clothes off!" "I can't guarantee that!" Then Alex tells Ida not to get "Diary of the mouth". I think she mean diarrhea but I swear she says "Diary".

Alex then goes over with Mom what she can and cannot say about her. They're undecided if she should mention that she's fat. Then Troy arrives and knocks two times and somehow magically Alex and Ida hear this ALL the way in their backyard when they scream "HE'S HERE!" By the way, this line is used in every episode.

Before Ida leaves, Alex tells her to "fix your boobs", and we get a delightful image of that.

 

Ida opens the door and Troy is there. The cameraman was in a wicked mood this day because he shot this scene so it looks like Troy is about 2 feet tall. Troy mentions they're gonna go play croquet, which is something Ida or Alex has never done.

The date is uneventful, but this gives Ida plenty of opportunities to make stupid puns like "oh you got a big hammer! and "oh I'm gonna wack your balls with my stick". Yeah, I'm sure you will. After the game, Troy takes Ida to a small table covered with the British flag and says they're gonna eat fish and chips while he learns as much as he can about Alex.

Troy asks if Ida's ever given Alex any advice before a date and she says "If it isn't at least 6 inches, throw him back. He isn't even worth it." Troy immediately starts to regret being circumcised at this point. Then Ida tries to describe Alex by saying she's "voluptuous".

During moments of the date, we get these odd little commentaries that's suppose to represent what the person was thinking at that moment. We get a shot of Troy saying "Voluptuous is mom speak of 'chunky'." Well, duh!

Then there's a whole discussion about Ida's boobs where Troy confesses he likes them. Ida goes "You're suppose to think about Alex's boobs". Troy then throws out the idea of having both Ida AND Alex, and Ida says she's into it. Yeah...

So thankfully, this date comes to an end and Troy drops Ida off. There's some more forced dialogue where Ida makes an idle threat to Troy if he doesn't pick "them", then it's more over-written crap when Ida reunites with Alex and they go over the date. More wacking balls with sticks jokes and sighing from Alex, then the part I've always been confused about.

At the end, the daughter always asks "Do you think we're gonna win?" and the mom is always "Of course we will!", which got me wondering two things. Either they're THAT desperate for a date or there's some cash prize that comes along with this. I mean, why all the worrying about winning?

After 20 minutes of commercials for cell phone rings and "original" MTV shows like "The Challenge", we meet Mom/Daughter #2, Lynda and Kristie. Lynda is 40 and Kristie and 24. Lynda describes herself has a "gorgeous single mom". Kristie confesses to dating more than one person at a time but never been caught. Interesting.

During the rapid editing shots, we get to see both Lynda and Kristie in bikini's and other shots of them just feeling each other up. They might as well have Stone Phillips come out and be like "Hi, I see you enjoying this you pervert!!"

During the "getting ready" phase, Lynda says she's gonna describe Kristie has a "younger version of me", which I think would guarantee an automatic win. They mention Lynda's "Puff Mommy" routine, which we'll get to see for ourselves later on.

After magically hearing the soft knocking from 200 feet away, Troy and Lynda meet. In weird commentary mode, Lynda describes Troy has a perfect 10 and she'd like to lick him all over. Man, I think this chick needs to tone the sluttiness down a bit.

Troy says he's a "huge fan of sumo" and Lynda gives a forced surprised look and squeaks out "NO WAY! ME TOO!" I kinda doubt that, but whatever. So their date is gonna consist of them wearing large sumo costumes and actually wrestling.

Fourteen million "fat" puns later, Lynda kicks Troy's ass. So now it's time to learn more about Kristie. Lynda says some flattering things about Kristie, like the "she's a younger version of me". But then she mentions that Kristie likes to "weep a lot", which is kind of a strange thing to mention. Then Lynda mentions the "Puff Mommy" thing, where is basically just Lynda trying to dance all ghetto and seeing a pure white blonde 40 year old mother doing that would make the toughest ghetto gangster cry in their foor-tee's.

When Lynda gets back home, she tells Kristie about the weeping thing and the Puff Mommy bit and Kristie realizes her chances are shot to hell. This was probably Lynda's plan all along so she herself can get to Troy. Oh, and it's clear both of them are gold diggers when Lynda mentions that Troy is studying to be a lawyer and that he'll make a lot of money, which they both find good. Well, ok I ain't saying they're gold diggers, but they ain't forced to date broke...broke.

Twenty more minutes of anti-weed ads, we meet Donna, 51, and Gina, 24. Donna's married, which makes me wonder what the husband's think. But then again, this is California. The husband is probably at work 17 hours a day and only comes home to fuck the shit out of Donna for 5 minutes before going back to work. That's just my theory.

FYI, the daughter here was one of the people from the show who contacted me and made weird threats and apparently is all Jesus-y now or whatever. And she was a total fucking bitch to me. If you are reading this, Gina, Fuck! YOU!

Gina describes them has "two sexy blonde Laguna babes", which made me think of "Laguna Beach" a show that I would never watch in a million years even if all the hot chicks got naked the entire episode. Gina's into sports and singing...badly in the car.

At the forced "pre-date", Gina isn't looking for a "manwhore", which Donna assures us she'll never ask. Then we slip deeper into hell when both Donna and Gina sing horribly together for a good two minutes. Thankfully, Troy shows up and this time it makes sense they hear him cause they're in the living room. When Donna leaves, Gina cries out "Don't throw up!". So I guess Donna is Lindsey Lohan's mom too.

Troy's date is to cook and eat Korean food. This date is kinda boring compared to the last two. We just learn that Gina's into 80's music, and so is Troy. And because of this, the soundtrack for the rest of the date is generic 80's music.

When they sit down to eat their food, Troy says he has a surprise for Donna. He's actually a date rapist and he's gonna fuck her brains out right then and there!!! No, actually, he just has some cooked crickets and worms, which they eat. While munching on fish bait, Donna says the only bad thing about Gina is she's a remote control hog. Personally, that's fine with me. I don't watch much TV so she can have the TV all she wants. As long as she remains a hot chick, things are cool.

And Donna proves to be a liar when she asks if Troy's a manwhore. He says he isn't, but I think I could've told you that just by looking at him. The date ends and Donna reminds Troy that she ate bugs for him. In commentary fashion, Troy says he can't pick his date by "swallowing alone". Way to pack on the sleaze there!

Now it's time for "THE DECISION"! Every episode it takes place in the exact same spot, some random beach in California. After a bunch of stylish editing, one by one the mom's come up and say something in commentary style.

Ada: "He's not picking Alex! I scared him too much!"
Lynda: "I've seen the other moms and there's no way we're losing. We're hot!"
Donna: "Me and Troy connected."

After recapping what Troy did on all three dates, a giant black limo appears. Then it's heartbreak time.

Troy tells Lynda he's not picking her daughter because she's bitchy and cheap. Kristie comes out and you can see the disappointment on Troy's face. Then he tells Donna he's not picking Gina because of the remote control hog thing. Gina comes out and Troy is really disappointed. So now comes the greatest moment in "Date My Mom" history and the whole reason why I chose this episode to review first.

He tells Man-woman Mom there he thinks opposites attract and that her wild side will go well with his quiet life style so he picks Alex. Ida blurts out a ton of obscenities, then brings Alex out of the limo. Alex comes out and she's wearing this...thing and Troy is like "WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?!? REMOTE CONTROL HOG?? BITCHY!! NOO! I HAD TO PICK THE FAT ASS!!"

If you think I'm being mean, you should see how MTV responded. When Alex came out, a song starts playing that goes "my butterball baby!". Troy and Alex reluctantly hug and we get another mean song called "Chubby Girls". In commentary style, Troy just throws up his hands in defeat and confesses he made the wrong choice.

And like in every episode, the "happy" couple goes running down a patch of sand, but in this episode, Alex falls on her ass and starts motioning around like a hurt turtle. Then Alex asks why Troy picked her and he goes "I had a lot of fun with your Mom." That was it. He had more fun with Alex's mom, so he's stuck with Jabba. I'm fairly certain that when the cameras went home, he hooked up with Lynda and Kristie.

So that's it. Just one episode of "Date My Mom". It's painful to watch this show, but I quite enjoyed writing about it, so I will for sure do another episode sometime in the future. Trust me, we only scraped the top of the sleazy barrel.